Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I Run

This is topic I Run - Flash 579 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tmoraca (Member # 8080) on :

These faces – I will never forget.

Bright, wondering eyes sparkling youth, vigor, determination… life. Did I look like them, too? The wind caressing the beaches and the trees, curling through lush hills and valleys, the curiosity of a strange land.

Now overcast, rain, harsher winds, flying above with my fellow soldiers, flashes of the terrain below bathed in lightning, then darkness again. No one laughs now; the nervous knot lodged in my chest grows and trembles. I clutch my rifle with these cold, prickly hands, careful not to let it slip from my grip.

The Earth rises before me, my feet flail for solid ground, long reeds and grasses bend to the weather and the squashing of my

Have at it! Want to read the rest? Let me know.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
These faces – I will never forget.

Whose faces? What faces?

quote:
Bright, wondering eyes sparkling youth, vigor, determination… life. Did I look like them, too?

You started to dig deeper than you went to describing the landscape. Why?

And then there is the setting. You write...

quote:
The wind caressing the beaches and the trees, curling through lush hills and valleys, the curiosity of a strange land.

which leads me to believe this is an alien world then you write

quote:
The Earth rises before me

which adds to my confusion. Maybe I'm reading to much into it but this is a very, very short story, that is looking long on a explanation. Your first 13 is very infodumpish. Not good for a flash length story.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 30, 2008).]

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I feel this falls more along the lines of poetry, than flash fiction. I can sense the emotion in your writing, but it is disjointed and difficult to follow as the beginning of a story. I expect you feel strongly about what you have written - you may want to develop it separately as a poem.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I liked it quite a bit. The hook to me is the quite literary look at the world below by a soldier flying above clutching a rifle. I'd want to see what transpires and how the MC views the subsequent conflict. I assume (s)he is a paratrooper touching down, possibly in Asia. I'll read it if you're still looking.

Nit:
Bright, wondering eyes sparkling youth, vigor, determination… life.
--->
Bright, wondering eyes[,] sparkling youth, vigor, determination...life.
or
Bright, wondering eyes[ of]sparkling youth, vigor, determination...life.

Edit: of course, at Hatrack, I would not be surprised if this was a stormtrooper landing on Mars.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 31, 2008).]

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

I'm intrigued, and I'd love to read. Feel free to send it along!

Posted by tmoraca (Member # 8080) on :

Well, I should have mentioned up front that this is a flashback/dream sequence I cut from another story - hence the disjointedness and the poetry feel. Not an excuse, just an explanation :-)