Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Intergalatic Nuisance

This is topic Intergalatic Nuisance in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

This is my attempt at humor. Its Sci-Fi and 3850 words. I am considering sending it to a publication that will close submissions in a week, so if you would like to read it I would appreciate a quick response.

quote:
Harold Travis stepped out of his house and onto his bone-dry land. Here he stood every morning, clouds permitting, to watch the sunrise. The great red fireball rose over the trees and changed to orange, shrinking as it went. Just as the ball of fire turned into its trademark yellow, it disappeared behind the purple alien ship. Eight minutes of sunshine a day; all his ranch saw for the past year. The hills to the west kept the ranch from capturing the sun’s fading light.
Harold’s glared at the purple monstrosity. The Nagoona parked their city-size ship over his ranch outside of Houston. Here it floated, not moving more than a foot in the last year. The alien ship chased away his family and neighbors. The constant shadow robbed his ranch of life-giving rain and nourishing sun. Only

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Interesting.

You have the wrong tense in -- all his ranch saw the last year.

You're talking about a continuing condition -- all his ranch had seen for the past year -- is the tense you're looking for.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thanks Arriki,

Hmmmm, I can never quite understand the difference. Isn't 'saw' the same as 'had seen'. 'Saw' is past tense, 'seen' is present. Writing 'had seen' makes it past tense. Why add the had? I've read that you should throw out all the 'had's, 'was'es, and 'were's that you can in your prose. Still your not the only one to tell me to change it so I shall.

I'm fixing it right now, or is it 'I'll fix it right away'?

Damn verb tenses.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 25, 2008).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I'll read if you wish. When I read:

quote:
Just as the ball of fire turned into its trademark yellow, it disappeared behind the purple alien ship.

I was hoping that the ship wasn't parking there, because I wanted to use that idea, but I was soon disappointed. (I.e., I liked the idea.)

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

"had seen" is NOT past tense. It is the past perfect tense. It shows action that took place in the past and is completed. The year you speak of is a completed time. If you you want to show started in the past, present now and continuing into the future -- all his ranch was seeing...which sounds a tad awkward. I think the past perfect suits your phrasing better.

Am I right, grammar gurus?

I think a lot of people confuse the tenses in English.

Not every "had" or "was" is bad.

When you want to indicate that something began in the past, is going on right now in the present, and continuing into the foreseeable future...you need the -ing. I was walking along the river.... That is NOT the same thing as "I walked along the river." similar but different.

I walked along the river when I met a personable young dragon. This is awkward because the when clause does not fit with the plain old past tense.

I walked along the river until I met a ....
Works. The walking stopped at the point of the meeting.

I was walking along the river when I met a personable young dragon -- can you feel the difference?

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 25, 2008).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

The only "Hu?" moment I had was here: "constant shadow robbed his ranch of life-giving rain." The connection between an obstruction between the farm and the sun and how that obstruction would stop rain wasn't clear for me. I understand the being in the shadow of the ship of death but not how that keeps the rain away.

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I can work on the crit today and get it back to you tomorrow.

Posted by Enna (Member # 8172) on :

arriki, you're dead on with your description of the verb tenses.

I teach ESL, and it seems to help my students to see a timeline:

Simple Past: saw

______1 moment________NOW

Past Perfect: had seen

______1 moment^^^^^moment we are writing about________NOW

(this is the correct form for this sentence because we are writing about the "past year", not NOW)

Past Perfect Continuous: had been seeing

_______--continuous action that stopped in the past--_______NOW

Well, it helps when I draw it on the board, it's a bit more difficult on the computer!

Hope I haven't made this worse, I'm sure I have.

Snapper, I like this story and I would be happy to read more. I happen to be in Houston right now! (Damn Nagoona have been ticking everyone off...)

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thanks for all the offers. I really, really appreciate it.

Those verb tenses are the death of me, or will be the death of me, or will about to be the death of me,

oh just kill me already.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I will read also, FWIW. Send it over.

Posted by BBPaul (Member # 8161) on :

I like what I read. There is a definite grandiose event causing a relatively small problem. But not small to Harold. There is a dichotomy there that works well for humor. How he deals with it should be very interesting.