Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Lucky

This is topic Lucky in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tommose (Member # 8058) on :

This is the first 13 from something I wrote based on the latest Micro-Fiction contest. I'm really interested in feedback on the whole piece (literally 180 words).

I'd like feedback on the first 13 (basically, 70% of the story) or on the complete piece.

Tom

Lucky
-----

"I'm the luckiest girl in the world", you think to yourself, walking out of the restaurant. "He loves me, and now we're going to get married." The warmth of his kiss is still on your lips.

Your senses are alive. The colorful smells of a fruit stand, oranges and lemons, followed by the yeasty smell of a bakery wash over you. The wind plays in your hair, whipping it into a moving corona floating overhead. Flashes of sun through the trees make you squint. The sounds of the street sound oddly musical, more pleasing than you can ever recall.

Each step is a promise of tomorrow's possibilities.

Your phone rings. It's him, and you just left him a few minutes ago. You answer. "Hey honey. I love you." He chuckles in reply.

[This message has been edited by tommose (edited August 13, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hey Tom,

I commented on this before. There really isn't anything wrong with it BUT it has the feel of a perfume commercial to me. That's the vision I get when I read it. This second person POV is so different that I find it jarring.
When the narrator says 'you' and 'your' I feel like a puppet being manipulated. In other words, instead of enjoying your piece and getting out of it what I see, I feel like I'm being dictated to by the narrator.
Just my thoughts, others may feel differently.

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I totally agree with snapper about the perfume commercial. The descriptions were very vivid, however, which is always a plus. The second person POV, I'm afraid, caused me to laugh, b/c I was forced to imagine myself in a situation that I haven't been in in a long time and it felt ... I don't know ... silly. But my personal reaction aside, I'm wondering what the point is. I assume that even in micro-fiction there's supposed to be an intriguing conflict? So, I guess, right at the end, something shocking happens. Like she's talking on her phone, not paying attention, and gets squished by a car? OK, that's really stupid, but at least you left me wondering. I'll look at the rest, and I promise to take the piece seriously.