Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled 13, sci-fi(ish)

This is topic Untitled 13, sci-fi(ish) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

Hey everyone, here's another opening I'm reasonably happy with. It's a bit more sci-fi than I'm used to, but hopefully it's ok. All comments welcome

quote:
I hate doing portrait work, thought Carrie. It’s always somehow my fault, all the imperfections this thing picks up. It’s not like I make the damn pictures; I just point the camera. Hardly my fault if people don’t like what they see.
She squinted through the viewfinder again, watching her client perch awkwardly on his chair.
‘Like this?’ He said. ‘It don’t feel right, posing. Them things don’t like posers.’
They don’t like anything much, she thought. ‘Just sit up straight please, Mr. Trent - it’s best to keep things simple with Candid Exposure.’
‘Damn C.E. cameras,’ he muttered. She almost agreed with him.
‘Looking this way please,’ said Carrie, ‘and smile.’ Click.

Main concerns:
* I've never opened with a character who's in a bad mood, before. Does it put anyone off?
* Considered cutting 'Hardly my fault if people don’t like what they see' from the opening paragraph. Was I right to keep it?

Thanks for reading .
Daniel.

Posted by lor (Member # 2481) on :

Nah, the character in a bad mood is great. Instantly draws me in and makes me want to know more.

lor

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I felt you did well expressing the foul mood without telling. Little polish wouldn't hurt. Not a big hook but the characterization was good, yet I haven't felt compulsion to wonder or care about the conflict the character might face, and there is no real hint of that to come.

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

Hey Bent Tree and lor, thanks to both for reading

Unfortunately, the real hook gets introduced in line 14 when she takes the picture (I was counting on characterisation and 'Candid Exposure' / 'Damn C.E. cameras' to get people there [i.e. trying to suggest that this isn't a normal photo / camera]). I did toy with adding 'Time to see who you really are, Joe' / '... Mr. Trent', but I couldn't decide where to put it (after 'Candid Exposure' or 'agreed with him', or before 'Click'), and it seemed a little... I don't know, 'deliberate'. Would it help?

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 12, 2008).]

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I liked it - I'd keep reading (not just to line 14). However, since we are imprisoned in the land of 13 lines, I would substitute "Time to see..." before "and smile."

Here are a few comments:

quote:
I hate doing portrait work, thought Carrie. It’s always somehow my fault, all the imperfections this thing picks up. It’s not like I make the damn pictures; I just point the camera. Hardly my fault if people don’t like what they see.(You might consider using something like italics to set off the thoughts from the narration)
She squinted through the viewfinder again, watching her client perch awkwardly on his chair.
‘Like this?’ He (full "?" and he instead of He) said. ‘It don’t feel right, posing. Them things don’t like posers.’
They don’t like anything much, she thought. ‘Just sit up straight please, Mr. Trent - it’s best to keep things simple with Candid Exposure.’
‘Damn C.E. cameras,’ he muttered. She almost agreed with him.
‘Looking this way please,’('Time to see who you really are, Joe' / '... Mr. Trent') said Carrie, ‘and smile.’ Click.

I hope my suggestions help.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 11, 2008).]

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

Hey philocinemas, thanks for reading (sorry I didn't reply until now, only just saw your comment) - glad you liked

I did consider italicising Carrie's thoughts (I've had this dilemma in other stories as well), but somehow, it always ends up looking untidy if I do (essentially because there is a lot of text to italicise. She thinks about things a lot, lol). Besides, I quite like the narrative and my characters' thoughts being semi-indistinguishable. I think it brings character and reader slightly closer together (i.e. if the narrative is the framework of the story, and my characters' thoughts are partly what that framework is made of... you see where I'm going with this).

Thanks again .