I decided on an action-oriented begining, in contrast to the other two stories with these characters. Open to thoughts on the begining for now, very interested in volunteers to read the whole thing once finished.
Story finished now, he is a new first 13. Still open to readers, also title suggestions. I'm considering Kitsune-tsuki, the Japanese word for the state of being possessed by a fox.
“Where is it now, Tommy?” Ha****o asked, shining his flashlight wildly back and forth amid the shadowed trees.
Thomas stood still behind him, reaching out with his senses. He tried to feel the oni, mostly trying to detect its breath, the disturbances in the air as it moved. “It’s…right behind you, Hashi!”
Ha****o spun around, flinging a glowing paper talisman in the same motion. It seemed to strike something unseen in midair. There was a white flash, and suddenly before Thomas’s eyes stood a hulking figure, human shaped but nearly twice the size of a man. It had bright blue skin, and wore only the hide of a tiger draped about its body. The talisman was stuck to the creature’s head, directly between the two small white horns that protruded from its forehead.
Second version
Hashi-to shined his flashlight wildly back and forth amid the shadowed trees. “Where is it now, Tommy?”
Thomas stood still behind him, reaching out with his senses. He tried to feel the oni, searching for its breath, the disturbances in the air as it moved. “It’s…right behind you, Hashi!”
Ha****o spun around, flinging a glowing paper talisman in the same motion. It struck something unseen in midair. There was a white flash, and before Thomas’s eyes stood a hulking figure, human-shaped but far larger. It had blue skin, and wore the hide of a tiger draped about its body. The talisman was stuck to the creature’s head, between the two small white horns that protruded from its forehead.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited August 20, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited August 20, 2008).]
for example, the commas indicate a pause in these 2 sentences.
“Where is it now, Tommy?”
“It’s…right behind you, Hashi!”
I would change them to
“Where is it now Tommy?”
“It’s…right behind you Hashi!”
also "human shaped but nearly twice the size of a man". The "but" is out of place, perhaps an "and"?
It sounds good so far and I found the story easy to follow.
Brant
quote:
for example, the commas indicate a pause in these 2 sentences.
“Where is it now, Tommy?”
“It’s…right behind you, Hashi!”
My understanding is that whenever using a "proper form of address" you always put a comma before the name or whatever.
quote:
also "human shaped but nearly twice the size of a man". The "but" is out of place, perhaps an "and"?
Perhaps, or perhaps a however. The idea is its conveying that while it's basically human in shape, its definitely not, hence the "but"
quote:
Loved the second paragraph, especially the last two lines and the description of the oni. As far as I know, there haven't been too many onis in English fantasy/sci-fi/horror, so that was a cool experience, something different, with a lot of potential. I like that you're giving them some exposure
My Ha****o/Thomas stories are very, very heavily anime inspired. Ha****o is half japanese and a practicing onmyoji. The oni isn't actually central to this story, but another being of Japanese folklore is.
quote:
My understanding is that whenever using a "proper form of address" you always put a comma before the name or whatever.
You are correct, Merlion-Emrys.
Commas are used for other things than to indicate a pause.
On to the first 13. It makes me laugh that the board's software can't recognize that a naughty word inside another words no longer makes it a four letter word! LOL.
I would probably turn the page here. I'm intrigued by the magic and the oni that they hunt. I don't have much to crit except perhaps the use of adverbs. I think some of the writing could be stronger.
* 'Ha****o asked' in the first line - 'asked' is a fairly casual verb, and doesn't quite fit in with the wild shining of the flashlight just afterwards.
* 'mostly trying to detect' - it occurred to me as I was reading that you could shorten this to 'searching for' / 'looking for', etc. Just a thought, though I think the extra brevity would help build tension.
* 'seemed to strike' - perhaps just 'struck'? The 'seemed to' seems a little unnecessary, since the oni gets revealed in the next sentence anyway.
There's something about the description of the oni (the last three sentences) that sticks out at me. It's like the story pauses so that we can look at it. I got the impression that the oni was hunting them as much as they were hunting it (or, at the very least, it's a bit dangerous ['it's... right behind you, Hashi!']), so if you're going for 'deep immersion' and 'tight point of view', would Tommy have (or indeed spend) the time to stand and notice the oni's hulking figure, human shape, great size, skin colour, clothing, horns, and the position of the talisman on its body? I'll give you the horns and talisman (big horns would probably get my attention too, and if the talisman is right next to them, then fair enough), but I think you could maybe lose a detail or two (or at least change the way in which you present said details).
Anyway, I think I'd read on to see what the oni does. I'd happily look at the whole thing if you want my opinions.
Hope this helped,
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 06, 2008).]
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 15, 2008).]
I'm assuming I don't need to read the first two stories to understand this one?
The one comment I'll make now is my perpetual problem with the use of "seemed." For me, use of that word seems to indicate uncertainty in the description of the scene. It would be much more powerful to say "It struck something in mid-air."
About seemed...what you say is true. However, in circumstances where things are unsure...where the character, or another observer isnt able to see things clearly and that kind of thing...some times when you make a definitive statement others will say "well how do they know?" and that sort of thing. So, some times it can be a quandry. Your probably right in this particular case though.