Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Decision - SF

This is topic The Decision - SF - Rejected in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bakerjw (Member # 8103) on :

This is the first 13 (I hope that I got it right) of the first short story that I ever submitted. Rejected as I fully expected, but I am looking at polishing it up, cleaning the POV and tidying loose ends and resubmitting. Total words of about 6,700. Any thoughts?

Yves Marchant... The name of my once best friend and a name that I’d hoped to never hear again. I had once sworn a personal oath to never speak to the wretch of a man again but now stood on the verge of consciously breaking it, and all because a courier hand delivered a pleading hand written lunch invitation.
Years had weakened my old oath and perhaps as I aged I let sentimentality get involved, or was just curious. For whatever reason, I was tired of hating him and missed him as a friend and felt in my heart that meeting Yves for lunch was something that I knew that I must do.
In the cold drizzle of the Boston winter afternoon, I stood outside the Boars Tusk waterfront restaurant. My watch read 1:45 PM and the invitation stated 2:00 PM sharp. If Yves were still

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I'm interested, but I think it could be stronger hook. There's a lot of winding up to unveil the first scene, when I think one paragraph could do. I suggest lopping off some of the back story in the beginning and start with the action. You can work in the pertinent parts as you go. Make us anticipate Yves Marchant and show us how this character feels about him rather than simply telling us in a few neat paragraphs.

The writing, generally, was smooth and engaging.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 01, 2008).]

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

I agree with annepin on the biggest point: there's a lot of build up here and it's all telling with little showing.

Unlike annepin, I didn't find the writing smooth and engaging. I thought the middle three sentences, where you explain everything, were distracting run ons. The way you do that exposition prevents the hook, what happened to destroy an old friendship so many years ago, and what desperate event has Yves pleading for reconcilliation, from carrying the emotional weight it should.

Break it up. Drop periods in place of commas in a few places and dump the conjunctions unless needed to complete an idea.

Also, don't punt on explanations of anything and make yourself look like a lazy writer. The words "For whatever reason" set off alarm bells. Because it's first person, your narrator may be avoiding explaining his own motives, but unless that's intentional (and you're prepared to give the right cues to the reader), then avoid using phrases like that.

The concept behind your story is a compelling one. Almost everyone has lost an old friend at some point in their life for reasons they don't fully recollect, and almost everyone has at some point been curious about renewing that friendship. The added hook of the other person being the one bridging the gap, and in desperation for an unknown reason, is a good hook.

The first 13 as written, however, don't grab me.

[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited August 01, 2008).]

Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :

I can read the whole MS, if you still need readers. Might take me a week or so; I've got some school assignments bothering me at the moment.

I'm intrigued enough by the situation to read on. The opening could stand some tightening, but the voice of narrator comes though well--an old, perhaps, overly wordy fellow. You want to keep that feel but still keep things moving for the reader (basically, the appearance of meandering, without actually meandering!)

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

quote:

Yves Marchant...[not sure I'm mad on ellipses so early on. Two words, and you trail off – change your focus] The name of my once best friend and [Needed here? Cut this?] a name that I’d hoped to never hear again. I had once sworn a personal oath to [redundant] never speak to the wretch of a man again, but now stood on the verge of consciously breaking it, and all because a courier hand-delivered a pleading hand written lunch invitation.

I think the phrasing of the last sentence could stand some tightening up: and all because of a lunch invitation.

quote:

Years had weakened my old oath and perhaps as I aged I let sentimentality get involved, or was just curious. For whatever reason, I was tired of hating him and missed him as a friend and felt in my heart that meeting Yves for lunch was something that I knew that I must do.

A little long winded. I'd trim the 1st sentence.

quote:

In the cold drizzle of the Boston winter afternoon, I stood outside the Boar[n]'[/b]s Tusk waterfront restaurant. My watch read 1:45 PM and the invitation stated 2:00 PM sharp. If Yves were still

This is where it begins—so why not begin here?

I'd be interested to see where this goes and will read, if you like.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Happy to read this.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Just thought I'd follow up on this one as I've some trouble with both internet and email. I won't be able to review your story after next week.

Cheers,

Nick

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I'd be more interested if you touched on, however briefly, what the conflict was with Marchant: stole my fortune/insulted my dog and shot my wife/screwed up my ladder logic...something like that.

--WouldBe

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

i thought there were some incongruities in the language - small stuff, but marchant was pleading for the meeting, then told the MC to be there at 2 sharp. That sounded more like a demand.