Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Still Untitled - SF

This is topic Still Untitled - SF - WIP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Well after I got about six thousand words into this story I realized that it needed to be told from the first person/past tense PoV.

This is actually my first attempt at that PoV so I'm interested in seeing how it turns out.

It isn't complete but should move along quickly as the story is mostly written and I'm just converting the tense. I did start it from a different place so this may seem like an entirely different story to those who read my first 13 post from a week ago.

That can be found here.
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum11/HTML/003169.html

Let me know what you think.

quote:
Something was wrong. Ellen had come inside an hour ago to take a bath but the water was still running.
“EVI,” I said, “where is Ellen?”
“She is in the master bedroom,” a disembodied female voice responded without emotion.
“Is she okay?”
“She has been immobile for thirty two minutes and sixteen seconds. She does not appear to be sleeping”
“Oh God,” I whispered and bolted toward the stairs.
“Ellen! Ellen!” A cloud of steam filled the second floor.
I found her on the floor of our bedroom, lying on her side and wearing only her bath robe.
“EVI,” I yelled. “Get help!”

Thanks for reading.

Anthony

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

This seems compelling enough. I like the dialogue, but I felt there could have been a little more character development. An introduction if you will, because this line:

quote:
“She has been immobile for thirty two minutes and sixteen seconds

Really made me wonder what kind of person would state this in such a way. Raising wonder is good though sometimes. In this case, it interested me enought to turn the page, but I am on high alert for convincing character. I'll read if you need

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I enjoyed this. I got that EVI was a computer or sorts. The "disembodied voice" made me wonder and then when she answered with the exact seconds I knew it had to be. I would keep reading.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hey Anthony, I would probably turn the page. I actually found your other opening more compelling--there seemed to be something more mysterious going on than here.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

This line really throws me

a disembodied female voice responded without emotion.

It makes me think that he doesn't know who are what the voice is. This could be fixed if you changed 'a' to 'the', provided the voice does belong to a machine or ghost. I would consider another word for 'disembodied' as well. You could probably eliminate 'without emotion'.
Perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to show us what EVI is all about.

"She is in the master bedroom," EVI replied in the same flat tone she used to inform me where I left my keys.

I read your previous post. I liked this one better. It sets the story earlier and starts in a dramatic fashion. Nice job.

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

Far better than the earlier draft, but I'm not hooked. The first two sentences didn't quite get me, and then the dialog breaks up the intro.

A couple of question - if EVI (which immediately brings Wall*E to mind) can monitor the house, why wouldn't it have been programmed to monitor for medical emergencies? And wouldn't it have noticed the water overflowing the tub if it had been running for over an hour?

Posted by bakerjw (Member # 8103) on :

EVI and Ellen both start with E. May want to change EVI. On first read I thought that EVI might be a pet name or something for Ellen.

A few lines later, I picked up on the fact that EVI was a household monitoring system. I would read more. Being a computer of sorts they do act up. As for not monitoring the health of Ellen, Ellen may have told it to ignore any strange readings. That can be worked out later as the story unfolds.

I would continue reading.

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Good point about EVI and Ellen having 'E' names.

I'm about 500 words from finishing this. Then I'll need some readers.

Anthony

Posted by marywillow (Member # 8101) on :

I, too, thought this is a better beginning than the original. I would like to read it when ready.