Original Version (See revisions down below)
Untitled 1st 13:
Older folks can't see magic anymore. Grandpa used to say it was because at some point, they stopped looking for it and became grown-ups. Kids, he would tell me, could see magic because they never stopped looking, and expected it at every turn. I like to think he knew from experience, or maybe had an idea what was in store for me that summer. Probably it was just an old man trying to entertain his grandson, or get him outside the house. Either way, the summer my brother disappeared, I found what I was looking for.
The last day of school came finally, and my brother Jake and I were looking forward to three whole months of baseball, swimming, backyard camp-outs and--best of all--no school. The race home that day--which I lost as usual--was faster, more wild
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 26, 2008).]
"or get him outside the house." This breaks the mood, making it sound like grandpa is trying to get the kid out of his hair, while the earlier section makes it sound like grandpa loves the kid.
"I found what I was looking for.
The last day of school came finally, and my brother Jake and I were looking forward to..." I'd avoid the combination "looking for"..."looking forward..."
"The last day of school came finally, and...camp-outs and--best of all--no school." Again an echo: "school...school"
Minor points. The story looks good. I'd keep reading.
Revised Untitled 1st Thirteen
Older folks can't see magic anymore. Grandpa used to say it was because at some point, they stopped looking for it and became grown-ups. Kids, he would tell me, could see magic because they never stopped looking, and expected it at every turn. I like to think he knew from experience, or maybe had an idea what was in store for me. Probably it was just an old man trying to entertain his grandson. Either way, the summer my brother disappeared, I found what I was looking for.
The last day of classes came finally, and I was eager for three whole months of baseball, swimming, backyard camp-outs and--best of all--no school. My brother Jake and I raced home that day like we always did. Even though I lost again, I felt faster, and wilder, like a loosed dog that's been tied up all day.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited July 23, 2008).]
Yep, I'd read on like the others.
Cheers,
Pat
Still interested in reading this one? I am looking for readers and critiques of any kind.
A draft is done at around 5,200 words. I didn't think I would be so nervous about actually sending someone something longer than 13 lines... phew! It's actually the first thing I've ever written, so I can't wait for it to be ripped to pieces. Seriously, be brutal.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 07, 2008).]
Happy to read this, it will take me about a week to get around to it.
Regards,
Nick
Incidentally, I liked the original 13 better than the revision.
What specifically did you prefer about the original?
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 08, 2008).]
Is it true, in the modern world of school and baseball and summer holidays, that kids are looking for magic at every turn? Seems like magic might be the wrong word in describing the natural curiosity and lack of logic walls present in children. Maybe it is magic that you’re talking about but it’s too early to use that word.
Just one more opinion… take it under advisement.
Sounds like YA fiction so far. Do you have a particular market in mind for this?
Tracy
Excellent points. I agree about the vibe, although it is a somewhat more somber tale than those you mentioned.
You make a good point about what kids are looking for these days. Well, Grandpa thinks kids are looking for magic at every turn, and "magic" in this story is somewhat of a metaphor for psychological defense mechanisms, and trauma response.
As far as a market, I am clueless. This is literally the first story I have ever written, so I have no idea what market this might be a candidate for. I suspect its a candidate for no market right now, but that's why I'm here, to sharpen my skills so it can be sold!
Does any of that make sense?
quote:
What specifically did you prefer about the original?
I re-read the two versions, and I've changed my mind - I like the revision better after all 
. One point, though: 'The last day of classes came finally, and I was eager for three whole months of baseball, swimming, backyard camp-outs and--best of all--no school' is quite a long sentence. I'd suggest cutting out 'and I was eager for', and switching round 'came finally' ('The last day of classes finally came: three whole months...' or something).
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 09, 2008).]
I'm looking for readers of the whole thing again if someone feels up to it. Here's the new 1st 13:
Older folks can't see magic anymore. Grandpa used to say it was because at some point they stopped looking for it, and became grown-ups. Kids, he would tell me, could see magic because they never stopped looking, and besides, magic was better than the real world any old day. I like to think he knew from experience, or maybe had an idea what was in store for me. Probably it was just an old man trying to entertain his grandson. Either way, I guess I found what I was looking for.
The afternoon of the last day of school, my older brother Jake and I raced home like we always did. Even though I lost again, I felt faster, and wilder than usual, like a loosed dog that's been tied up all day. We took our regular route across the street, behind the hardware store, through the alley, over Mr.
Is this significantly different from the revised version that I've reviewed? If so, send it through.
Regards,
Nick