There probably isnt going to be a lot of conflict in this story...its something a little different. I'd like thoughts on this bit, and volunteers to read it all once its finished.
Caden ran into his room, and slammed the door behind him. He threw himself down on the bed, and tried not to cry. It didn’t work.
He had gotten into another fight with the bullies at school, and like always his mom had blamed him. And like always, his dad didn’t say anything.
He laid there, tears pushing their way past his eyelids as he tried not to sob. He wished he didn’t have to hide what he could do; while his mother was yelling at him, telling him how he had better stop causing problems it had been so hard not to reach out with his power. He wondered how she’d act after having to go around blind for a few hours.
I can't find a lot wrong with this. The only thing that bothered me was that so many sentences start with 'He'. I counted 5 of the 8 that start that way and one other starts with the boy's name. Seems repetitive.
Also, depending on the PoV you are going for, I think that the mother/mom character should be addressed as either Mom or Mother depending on how the PoV character/narrator views her. Here is my rework, I'm not sure it's any better.
quote:
Caden ran into his room and slammed the door behind him. He threw himself on the bed as he tried not to cry. It did not work.
The bullies in school had cornered him again; He had to fight them. As usual, his mom had blamed him and his dad didn’t say a word.
Laying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, he tried not to sob. Why couldn’t he show off his powers? Perhaps if it wasn’t such a secret he wouldn’t have felt such a strong urge to reach out with his gift when his mom was chastising him.
Caden smirked as he wondered how she would act after being blind for a few hours.
I'd love to give it a read when you're done.
Anthony
I didn't see much wrong either, just a little phrasing. I have to say I'm really nit-picky on that stuff sometimes.
First the commas I think. With just "and" and the one line of business following it, I don't think it's necessary. Also I think maybe vary up the "and"'s because they come off as choppy. Here: He had gotten into another fight with the bullies at school, and like always his mom had blamed him. And like always, his dad didn’t say anything. I like the "and"s though.
Also, I agree with Anthony about the "he"'s.
This reads well though and I'm interested like I said before. I wouldn't mind reading over it at all. You'd be my first 
Laying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, h
I have to ask, laying WHAT there? Laying requires an object. You can say -- laying an egg there or laying a book there or laying down the law there. Just not Laying there.
The correct term is Lying there, tears squeezing....
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 16, 2008).]
quote:
I'm sorry -- it's my big problem, but when this was rewritten to sayLaying there, tears squeezing through closed eyelids, h
I have to ask, laying WHAT there? Laying requires an object. You can say -- laying an egg there or laying a book there or laying down the law there. Just not Laying there.
The correct term is Lying there, tears squeezing....
Agreed.
Anthony
Rather wordy. For example:
quote:
Caden ran into his room, and slammed the door behind him.
Either he ran into his room and slammed the door, or he slammed the door to his room behind him. Once I know he is in his room, I don't need to read "behind." I already know that.
I think the whole first 13 could stand a trimming. Great hook, though.
Anthony
Also, could I get the "unfinished" removed from this, and add 4.6k please?
You'll need to go and put your email into your profile here so I can send it to you.