Thanks! - Inevitably, they find my garden. Its dulcet silent song draws them, and these unhappy droves cannot resist forever. Men and women, young and old, they climb in over the high stone wall, break in through the boxwood hedges, sneak in by the gate; some fall in from the passing clouds or rise up from the green waters of the lily pond. They come as if tugged on a string, though not by me. I’m just the caretaker. I’ve observed them for ages. I see their faces fill invariably with wonder. They are amazed to find themselves standing among the roses droning softly with bees. One moment they were laboring in the office, bathing the dog, tucking in the children; now they find the luxury of rest, the indulgence of solitude. They watch the koi flit about the stones beneath the trickling fall. They stoop to bury their noses in the perfume of
In general, I feel the intro waxes on a little too much. You talk of the garden being this magnet that draws people in, but spend very little time on the garden itself (yes it has boxwood hedges etc, but that ain't enough). You focus mostly on the people's reactions. As you don't supply the description apart from the rose garden and the koi, I am left trying to imagine a garden that would seem to inspire people to this extent. I can't.
I would suggest describing the garden more, focusing on the 'magical' aspects of the garden (the drifting fog above crystal waters, scents that took people on journeys etc.), before describing the people's reaction to the garden. This is obviously my opinion.
'One moment...' I would prefer to followed with '...the next they...' rather than now.
As far as hooks go, I can find none. Perhaps the hook is the question 'what is so amazing about the garden'. I feel you have had some time to tell me, but haven't. It seems like a million gardens I have seen on TV. Koi are nice and peaceful and so are the other things you mention--but special enough to draw people from passing clouds? Doubtful.
Also no conflict evident or suggestion as to where the story may go.
The prose is nicely written though, and I like the voice.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 11, 2008).]