These are the first 13 of a short story that I want to work on. I've been struggling with how to start it, and think I've found a way.
All comments are invited. I've little beyond this written yet (deciding if I want to write this or start a book first). ------ The first sign that Earth was gone was when the mail cast stopped mid-stream. I was sitting in my cabin, watching the cast from Robbie, my step-son, and then nothing. My cabin phone chimed five seconds later. I pressed the answer button.
“Drake here.”
“Mister Drake, this is Fellows in Comms. All feeds from Earth have gone flat, sir.”
“Flat? On all spectra? Laser and radio frequency? All at once?”
“Yes sir”, Fellows was panicking, and I didn't blame him. ”All channels, all feeds, all spectra are down.”
The enormity of this washed over me. We were in the twentieth year of our colonial voyage from Earth. Losing the feeds now meant that Earth stopped... existing over fifteen months ago.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 10, 2008).]
Posted by JCarroll (Member # 8061) on :
I think it would be more interesting if your narrator called down to the comm station. I think that they would be a little busy, (not to mention panicked, scared etc.) to reply that quickly in such a calm, ordered fortune. Otherwise its good. You have my attention and I'd like to know more.
Posted by tommose (Member # 8058) on :
The reason I did that is that the narrator is the Communications Officer on the ship. He'd be the first one they'd call, and would know that they would call him first, when they had a clue what was going on. I thought about the other way. Don't know which is best.
Tom
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'm hesitant to critique this because it hasn't been completed. I encourage you to write it out before you seek opinions. At this early stage, I'm afraid of stifling your creative process, and injuring a nascent story.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
I'd agree with annepin. However, one little issue - be careful with your timings - you can lose the audience if it doesn't feel realistic. 5 seconds is far too short for the duty personnel to establish that everything is down, ring the supervisor and start to get panicky. Give it 5 minutes, at least.