Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bring Out Your Dead- Horror 1482

This is topic Bring Out Your Dead- Horror 1482 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003150

Posted by JCarroll (Member # 8061) on :

Here's a story inspired by a weird experience I had yesterday. While its' not particularly gruesome I wouldn't recommend reading it as a bedtime story to a six year old. I'm kind of unhappy with the ending so any help with that would be appreciated. Let me know if you want to see the whole thing.

When the taxi pulled up to the little blue house at two in the morning Mabel Walker was waiting for it out front like a good passenger.
“What a sight I must be,a n old lady getting into a cab in the wee hours wearing nothing but a night gown and a hair net.”
A young man with light brown hair got out and opened the door for her.
“What a nice fella you are. I'm Mabel Walker.”
“Arthur Ferryman Ms. Walker Pleased to meet you.”
Arthur flashed her a grin which she returned. Mabel got into the back seat. Before she had time to think of the action as odd she had buckled her seat belt.
“Tell me the truth Arthur. I'm dead aren't I?”

[This message has been edited by JCarroll (edited July 06, 2008).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

I presume this is an updated "boatman across the river Stynx" story (vis Arthur Ferryman), so that has me intrigued (and the end hook, "I'm dead aren't I?" is nice).

The first line of dialogue from Mabel is a real problem for me. If you intend for Mabel to be speaking to Arthur (which would paint her self-depreciating character nicely), make it clear and make sure it's physically possible (right now she's speaking to Arthur while he's still inside the car). If she's speaking to herself, it seems like dialogue intended for the reader as I can't imagine someone saying that *whole* sentence to themselves.

Some of the sentences need commas, but the more I read this opening, the more is appealed. It's very simple, but it worked for me.

regards,

Nick

Posted by Shi Magadan (Member # 2260) on :

“Before she had time to think of the action as odd she had buckled her seat belt.”

The action, I assume, is buckling the seat belt and it is odd because she believes herself dead. Doesn't feel right. She probably buckles out of habit and would give it no thought regardless of whether she's dead or not. Actually, if she realizes she is dead, she may actually want to buckle, to cling to security in ultimate uncertainty despite the knowledge that it will do her no good.

Also, the opening sentence feels cumbersome, not sure exactly why.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

mmm... I like it. I would read on. I actually want to.

Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :

I second what Bent Tree said. Useful, huh?

Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :

I like the premise and the beginning is sold, but the dialogue is a little rough. Her first line just is structurally distracting, I think.

Original: “What a sight I must be,a n old lady getting into a cab in the wee hours wearing nothing but a night gown and a hair net.”

For me this read too long and a little stilted. I don't know many people who would say all that in one breath, and I think the content should change a little. Maybe you could change the order of what she says is odd: is it odder that she's old, getting into a cab in the wee hours, or the way she's dressed? For me the oddest thing is how she's dressed. I'd start with her commenting on that.

Secondly, her introduction feels non-sequitir. "What a nice fella you are. I'm Mabel Walker." I think if anything the cab driver should introduce himself first. Social protocol doesn't seem to dictate anyone introducing themselves to cab drivers, even if they are "nice fellas." I think it would read better if she just commented on his manners, and after he introduces himself, she reciprocates.

Sorry if that seems picky. Those are just a couple of things that ruined the realism of the scene for me. The rest, including the premise, sounds fantastic.