Good information, but info dump. The place in the midst of the woods was old, storied and sacred to the People. It was a mound of earth and stone twenty feet high on which green grass grew and purple flowers bloomed. Here the People came to pay their respects to the spirits of their ancestors. Here were kept the Long Knives, blades forged of star metal for the People in the First Days by the stone brethren. Here were the graves of heroes pledged to guard the holy weapons against unclean hands.
All this history lay heavy on Lyr’s shoulders. He stood in the dying shadows of the mound at dawn and all the expectations pressed down upon him like a great weight. Excitement and fear warred within his soul; ambition clashed with self doubt.
Is this any better? Does this make anyone want to read the rest?
History lay heavy on Lyr's shoulders, his own and that of the place to which he'd come. He stood before a mound of earth and stone twenty feet high, covered with green grass and purple flowers.
Lyr shivered at the thought of the generations of heroes buried within to guard the most sacred treasure of the people. As a half breed, born of violence, he felt like an intruder in this sacred place. He was not accepted by the tribe and would never be unless he entered the mound and returned with the weapon the tribe needed to fight against the invaders. Excitement and fear warred within his soul; ambition clashed with self doubt.
[This message has been edited by JCarroll (edited July 05, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by JCarroll (edited July 06, 2008).]
quote:
The place in the midst of the woods was old, storied and sacred to the People.
I at fist thought this wordy and distant, but soon chalked it up to the "native" voice of the narration.
quote:
It was a mound of earth and stone twenty feet high on which green grass grew and purple flowers bloomed.
Here the voice seems to fade and it seems more of an information dump.
quote:
Here the People came to pay their respects to the spirits of their ancestors.
I did a 180 here because up until this point I thought POV character was also a native. So this negates the voice I noticed before and really makes me question who is telling the story.
quote:
Here were kept the Long Knives, blades forged of star metal for the People in the First Days by the stone brethren. Here were the graves of heroes pledged to guard the holy weapons against unclean hands.
Good information, but info dump.
quote:
All this history lay heavy on Lyr’s shoulders. He stood in the dying shadows of the mound at dawn and all the expectations pressed down upon him like a great weight. Excitement and fear warred within his soul; ambition clashed with self doubt
So this is the heart of the moment, the MC, the POV, but it comes too late. It is also a little vague. It gives just enough information about the current situation to feel like a device planted to stir up interest.
So My advice is to start with this last block, clean it up, sharpen the POV, because this is the true inciting moment. It is here where the story begins all the other details will find thier way to the surface through the exposition, especially at 25k.
25k is alot to look at, but I will go over it if you want.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 04, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 04, 2008).]
.Just to clarify, am I right in thinking that you've posted two versions of your opening, not two sequential paragraphs from your story?
Assuming that's the case, I prefer the first version. Yes, it's one big fat infodump, but as snapper said, it's so nicely written that I don't actually mind. Indeed, I almost don't notice. Theoretically, your second version should be the better opening (you're working from the character's POV, you're inside Lyr's head, etc), but it's not. It too is an infodump, and that's much harder to disguise when you're trying to write from a character's perspective. Personally, I'd say stick with the first opening, but follow it with some real, solid first person prose. Thoughts and observations directly from Lyr himself (''Bloody hell, that stone is big,' thought Lyr', instead of 'Lyr looked at the stone, and it occurred to him that it was pretty large.'). Indeed, I'd be tempted to cut out 'Excitement and fear warred within his soul; ambition clashed with self doubt', and start with the first person stuff there. Don't telll us that excitement and fear warred within him, have him do / say / think something that implies it. It's the old 'show don't tell' rule.
Aside from that, I'll make one observation: al lot of the ideas here are quite cliché. Now, this is where your original opening also works, because I want to read on despite it, but be careful. Woods and forests are stock 'mystical' places; dawn is a predictable time for important things / ceremonies, etc; 'the People' has been used in countless fantasy stories already; big numinous stones in sacred places are hardly a new idea, let alone obelisks in burial shrines to ancestors; 'star metal', 'first days', 'stone bretheren' (dwarves? giants? golems, etc?), 'holy weapons'? It's all extremely familiar territory. Now, that doesn't mean your story is doomed to failure, but it does mean that you're going to have to come up with an entirely new / innovative way of using these old ideas, and your prose is gonna have to grab hold of the reader from the first word and not let them go. Otherwise, people will just assume they're read this story a thousand times before in a different form, and pass on it.
Hope this helped .
Daniel.
I'd agree with Blue Phoenix here. The 1st attempt works better because the info-dumping is disguised within some nice use of repetition in your phrasing, but it lacks the conflict/hook. The 2nd version has your conflict put up front, but the writing is stiffer and the info-dump more obvious. I think you've got your opening somewhere between the two versions, but it will need a little bit of fiddling.
I'm happy to look at the story, but it won't be happening this week. If you're happy to wait for a critique, I'll do it in about a week's time.
regards,
Nick