Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled 1st 13

This is topic Untitled 1st 13 - SF in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

I've stolen an opening from a failed fantasy story of mine and am re-writing as SF. Any comments on 1st 13 appreciated.

Regards,

Nick

Winston tried not to look at his client, Ricky, as they waited for the foreman to return with the verdict. Their gazes met for a second. Ricky’s eyes like wet black stones, filled with nothing but cynical amusement.
Winston watched as Ricky stared at the priest-judge and then at the empty wooden pews where the jury had sat. Ricky smirked and then leaned over to whisper in Winston’s ear. “They’re gonna be coming back with ‘guilty’ ain’t they? I’m gonna get death and you be experiencing mandatory Empathy for those dead whores.” Winston removed his glasses and rubbed his face. The man was about to get hung by the neck and he still took a vicious pleasure in Winston’s misfortune.

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

This is an opening of two halves. The first half was poor - it felt like you were saying (in your best New York accent) "This is the information you wanted, so here it is!" (slam).

The second half was excellent. I'd suggest start with the dialog, which throws you straight into the context, then add some of the information quickly before leading to the crux of the dilemma. For example

“They’re gonna be coming back with ‘guilty’ ain’t they?" Winston heard whispered, just behind his ear. Winston turned and looked at Ricky XXX, trying to guage his client's mood. Ricky's eyes were wet black stones, filled with cynical amusement. He nodded toward the priest-judge and then at the empty wooden pews where the jury had sat.

"I’m gonna get death. But you," Ricky said, "you'll be experiencing mandatory Empathy for those dead whores." Winston removed his glasses and rubbed his face. The man was about to get hung by the neck and he still took a vicious pleasure in Winston’s misfortune.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

I don't know. I think the first paragraph needs to be there to set the scene. If you start with the dialog, the reader isn't going to know where they are or what's going on.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
Winston tried not to look at his client[[Concise, crisper verbage...Winston avoided eye contact with his client?]], Ricky, as they waited for the foreman to return with the verdict.[[But]] Their gazes met for a second. Ricky’s eyes like wet black stones, filled with nothing but cynical amusement.combine the two privious lines...concise]]
Winston watched as Ricky stared at the priest-judge and then at the empty wooden pews where the jury had sat. Ricky smirked and then leaned over to whisper in Winston’s ear. “They’re gonna be coming back with ‘guilty’ ain’t they? I’m gonna get death and you be experiencing mandatory Empathy for those dead whores.” Winston removed his glasses and rubbed his face. The man was about to get hung by the neck and he still took a vicious pleasure in Winston’s misfortune

POV was an issue here. It seemed to teeter from Winston to Ricky at the end.

Other than that this was interesting. I would likely turn if it were clean and clear. Alot of these lines need focus, sharper verbs and better organization.

The dialogue isn't confusing to me. Some of the best intros start with dialogue in my opinion.

Hope this helps

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated. I generally try and avoid opening with dialogue, but Brendan's take on matters actually works for me. Bent Tree, great feedback as per normal.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

OOps, I thought I offered to read this one. Send it over if you need a reader.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Bent Tree,

It's still in its infancy. I'll repost once it's written, I just wanted to get my 1st 13 fixed before going too far.

regards,

Nick

Posted by JCarroll (Member # 8061) on :

It certainly has the potential to be interesting. I like the idea that lawyers get punished if their client is found guilty. I have some idea of where things are going but there is plenty of room for a twist.

The first paragraph needs to be tightened up a little.