Hatrack River Writers Workshop: BJ's Last Shift

This is topic BJ's Last Shift - 1st 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Stagecoach (Member # 7875) on :

Hi

This is the opening of a SF short story (2,300 words) entitled, "BJ's Last Shift."

I'm looking for any comments as well as readers.

"Okay, Willie Sims, it's time to kill BJ," Willie whispered to himself. He looked over his shoulder at the hatch to the aft cabin where BJ was asleep. There was no one else on the ship who might hear him, but he still whispered.
He sat down at the workbench and removed the multiwrench from the tool pouch. "I can't just stab him or bash him with a hammer. I could never do that. But I can make him die by his own hand. That is exactly what is going to happen on his next shift. He is going to die---and he's going to do it to himself." Willie removed the cover from the space suit's life pack. "I can't believe that it has come to this. BJ's my crew mate. He's the mission commander. He's also my best friend." Willie squinted in the dim light as he looked around the interior to again make sure that he was really alone.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

I think that while this has a potential to be a *great* hook (starting with a character contemplating killing his best friend), I’m not sure about the execution.

The primary problem, for me at least, is that the dialogue is clearly for the benefit of the reader rather than being a natural part of the story. Willie is talking purely to set up the story and it doesn’t sound like natural dialogue.

You might want to think about what actions could show the reader that he’s contemplating killing BJ. You could put a little bit of dialogue (i.e. “No, I can’t do it…”) to help the process, but it’s a bit “as you know Bond” for my taste at the moment. I’m not adverse to doing it myself every now and then, but I personally would look to get the set-up across to the reader in some other way.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

A soliloquy...

I had a hard time finding a way to feel compassion towards the character. Why would I read about someone talking to themselves about killing their best friend?

Best case scenario, the story being told starts with the moment he turned. The inciting moment would be the instant his best friend became a target and why. In my opinion that is the only way this could be pulled off.

I liked the voice, by it faded toward the end. I like insanity, but it didn't show enough psychosis to be believable.

The writing here is pretty good, I just think you might have a false start.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I like your writing style and the short, simple sentences. I'm intruiged by the idea that BJ will die by his own hand.

But as the others have said, Willie's talking for our benefit and seems to feel no anger, no twangs of conscience, little doubt. There's no reason to sympathise with him, and for me it's essential to like the POV character.

Also, the title suggests BJ will indeed die, so there's no hope. If he will die for a good reason I think it's important to foreshadow it, probably in the first 13; if it's going to be one of those dark mysteries, then I think the darkness should be there at the outset.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :

I have to agree with everyone else. The first line where he's talking to himself seemed fine, but then the rest was, "As you know Bob" for a Bob with dissociative identity disorder.

I too liked the voice, and I want to know how he's going to die, but as it stands, it doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

So, I'm hooked, but put off too. Who said writing was easy...

Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :

Hm.

The subject material seems far darker than the voice you've selected for the story's opening. I don't get a sense of regret or really any emotion at all coming from Willie. He seems to be completely cold-blooded. And maybe that's the tone you're going for, but I think even if this was a task he wanted to do, he'd feel elation or an adrenaline rush. I don't get any emotion here. And that, I think, is why I'm not terribly hooked. Unless there's an emotion to draw me in, I don't really want to read about a totally cold-blooded murder.

Posted by Stagecoach (Member # 7875) on :

Thank you to all who submitted comments. Your help is much appreciated. Some very helpful ideas that I will have to munch on for a while.

I'm off to my writer's garret with fresh pen and paper.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

Not much startling or original to add. I'd agree with the others that I'd expect more emotion from someone planning to murder their best buddy (even if he later turns out to be a highly intellignet water cooler, or something)

Also,

quote:

"I can't believe that it has come to this. BJ's my crew mate. He's the mission commander. He's also my best friend."

Might be better shown than mused.

Interesting, though; I'd be happy to read the rest.