Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Son of the Big Bang II: The Second Coming

This is topic Son of the Big Bang II: The Second Coming in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003116

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

This story is 4680 wds. I just finished it and would appreciate readers for the whole thing, but also would like to tighten the opening. It is kind of a metaphysics/physics piece with a distant third POV.

***newer 13 below***

quote:
The first time Jon Evers performed a miracle, he was as surprised as everyone else. His life before had been as mundane as any, more so maybe. But there was no returning to a mundane life now.
As a missionary, Jon stood in stark contrast to his fresh-faced, born again peers. He wore his hair long and was often unshaven. He sported a ring in his eyebrow because he thought it looked tough. Mission work was clearly not his calling.
Jon had decided to travel before college. This urge grew out of weariness with the world of his parents and their expectations. He was expected to become a lawyer, but Jon was not the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create.

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited June 12, 2008).]

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

You're right, the opening isn't exactly tight, but not all openings have to be.
The first line grabs my interest, as intended.
The only thing that made me stop and think was when you said "Mission work was clearly not his calling" just because he had long hair and an eyebrow ring. He may be deifying stereotypes, but is this look inconsistent with being cut out for missionary work? (I know nothing about it, but it seemed strange to me)
I'll read the whole thing if you like.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

The first time Jon Evers performed a miracle, he was as surprised as everyone else. His life before had been as mundane as any, more so maybe. But there was no returning to a mundane life now. I find myself doubting that the life of this traveling artist with the beard and the ring in his eyebrow can really have been -more- mundane than most.].

As a missionary, Jon stood in stark contrast to his fresh-faced, born again peers. He wore his hair long and was often unshaven. He sported a ring in his eyebrow because he thought it looked tough [I'd have guessed his reason given the rest of your description. A couple more telling details might work better.]. Mission work was clearly not his calling.

Jon had decided to travel before college. This urge grew out of weariness with the world of his parents and their expectations [Not sure you need this sentence, given the rest]. He was expected to become a lawyer, but Jon was not the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create. [This final paragraph starts to wander. You might want to consider killing it and weaving the info in to the story, as needed.]

Be glad to read if you like.

Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :

Cheyne,
I dig, yes- I said 'dig', the opening. I think where you are going with this could be very interesting. The biggest crit I have is that it's too fast. This opening, other than the first sentence, is so compacted with information, its hard for me to distinguish what's happening. I want to hear more about he first time he performed the miracle. Instead, I have the pace of his life, his involvement with religion, his 'rebelious' look, possible confict with parents, and career indecision.

I think you could have a really great idea here, but I personally would like to hear more about Jons first miracle, and let the story itself build some of his background. If I'm a fish.... I'm nibbling- I just haven't chomped down yet, although I want to.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

Here is a slightly tweaked version

quote:
The first time Jon Evers performed a miracle, he was as surprised as everyone else. His life before had been as mundane as any, but there was no returning to a mundane life now.
As a missionary, Jon stood in stark contrast to his fresh-faced, born again peers. He wore his hair long and was often unshaven. He sported a ring in his eyebrow because he thought it looked tough. And when it came to witnessing, mission work was clearly not his calling.
Putting off future decisions, Jon had decided to travel before college. His parents expected him to become a lawyer, like his father, but Jon was not the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create.

Any better?

Toby and Jon: Sent them out-thanks

Illiterate: This was intended to be a flash project but it got out of hand, hence the quick pacing. The first miracle is narrated shortly after the 13. I suppose what I need most is suggestions on the pacing of the plot. I wasn't sure if you were offering to read or not.

Anybody else: I have no deadline for revision so a quick turnaround is not necessary-- if that helps-- the more (crits)the merrier(me)

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited June 12, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Okay, I looked this up after you said you hadn't gotten many comments.

I would probably turn the page here, but after two paragraphs of back story I'm definitely ready to get into story. The contrast you draw of him vs. "typical" missionaries is interesting, but I think it could be stronger. What would keep me reading is the miracle, since I'm assuming it has to do with his desire to create.

I'd be happy to read, if you like, and you don't mind a turn-around of about 2 weeks or so.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I need to pony up and get back on to critiquing.... can't do a full read, but I'll massage your first thirteen for you.

In retrospect, that sounds creepy. Let's move on.

quote:
The first time Jon Evers performed a miracle, he was as surprised as everyone else. His life before had been as mundane as any, more so maybe. But there was no returning to a mundane life now.(1)
As a missionary, Jon stood in stark contrast to his fresh-faced, born again peers.(2) He wore his hair long and was often unshaven. He sported a ring in his eyebrow because he thought it looked tough. Mission work was clearly not his calling.
Jon had decided to travel before college. This urge grew out of weariness with the world of his parents and their expectations.(3) He was expected to become a lawyer, but Jon was not the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create.

Not a whole lot to comment on here.

1. This is a wording issue for me.... I'm not crazy about sentences that start with "but", though I know it's a common enough rule to break. Still, the informality of it contrasts against the somewhat majestic feeling of a miracle worker. Is this contrast intentional? For me, I'm seeing less juxtaposition and more amateurish writing in the wording of this line.

2. For some reason, this sentence here reminds me of the classic line from Strunk & White, "As a mother of five, with another on the way, my ironing board is always up." Your line is gramatically correct, I believe, but the wording feels.... stiff, at least to me. Could you find another way of getting this across to me?

3. I think I see what's bothering me. There's an awful lot of telling going on here. This line is a terrific example. Actually, it's all pretty much telling after the first paragraph, which is the hook in and of itself. Coudl you get this information to me in another way?If you're going to tell, maybe spice up the narrator's voice, give it some cheek, like a flippant angel who is watching the next messenger of God come into his own or something. I'm hooked, but all of this telling is making me wriggle free.

If this landed on my desk, I'd probably turn the page, but I'd do it with a cup of warm skepticism close at hand. Don't you know? Warm skepticism can dissolve manuscripts!

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

Jayson: Thank-you for taking the time to massage my first 13, but there is a second 13 lower down--that is kinda creepy isn't it.

Annepin: sent it out--thanks

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

Cheyne, might you open with the miracle? Until the action draws me in, I find myself not caring much about Jon's biography. The opening sentence, however, is highly intriguing. I'd love to look at the whole story. Send it along.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Cheyne, my bad... I see your edited version. My comments about telling still stand, but the organization of the lines is much improved. If you intended to tell the intro to more economically introduce certain facts into evidence, then you seem to have succeeded. I'm still of the mind that showing is preferable, but it's your story.

At this point, I'd read on.

Jayson.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

Okay, I have received four solid crits and am going to proceed with my second draft. Thanks all for your thorough attentions. Many of your suggestions will help shape this into a fair story. I have a sense of where to go with this and after I sit on it awhile I will draft it. Thanks again to those who have already responded.
As I won't be attacking this immediately I will gladly send out this draft to anyone still interested.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

You had me at the first line, but my interest is starting to wane as you dive into seemingly far back history. I'd still give you a bit more to get back to it, but not a whole lot on something this size.

My take:

The first time Jon Evers performed a miracle, he was as surprised as everyone else. nice - a paragraph break would help punch this up

His life before had been as mundane as any, but there was no returning to a mundane life now. I'd assume this sentance so it's not moving your story for me.

As a missionary, Jon stood in stark contrast to his fresh-faced, born again peers. He wore his hair long and was often unshaven. He sported a ring in his eyebrow because he thought it looked tough. And when it came to witnessing, mission work was clearly not his calling.
Putting off future decisions, Jon had decided to travel before college. His parents expected him to become a lawyer, like his father, but Jon was not the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create.

Assuming we need this background, could you cut these three different thoughts (1) not good at mission work, (2) not a lawyer type to his parent's disappointment and (3) he wanted to create - into one? Ex:

And when it came to witnessing, mission work was clearly not his calling. His parents wanted him to be a lawyer, but Jon wasn't the type. He was an artist; he wanted to create.

Now you've told me the same thing but it half the space.

Hope this helped.