Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Night of The Black Diamond "YA" Fantasy, 6.7k

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Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

See below for information and change request :-)

So in my market searches I came upon an online magazine called "Shiny" that does "young adult" fiction. Which they define as stories with one or more teenage protaganists. Now I'm not real big on designations and pigeon-holes like "young adult" but I thought it would be interesting to do something more "targeted" like that.

So here is the intro, for your critiquing pleasure. I'd also appreciate volunteers to read thewhole thing once its finished.

Tracey let out a high-pitched giggle, causing Sarah to take her cell phone away from her ear for a moment. She turned the volume down, brushed back her long white-blond hair and resumed the conversation.
“C’mon, Sarah, you know you like him. I can’t really blame you; he’s pretty cute with those bright blue eyes and that big goofy smile,” Tracey was saying.
“Yeah, Paul is definitely goofy. He never seems to take anything seriously,” Sarah replied. Well, except for monster attacks, she thought. But Tracey doesn’t know that. She giggled at the thought of what her friend would say if she mentioned it.
“See? Just talking about him makes you happy!”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 30, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited June 06, 2008).]

Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :

Tracey let out a high-pitched giggle, causing Sarah to take her cell phone away from her ear for a moment. She turned the volume down, brushed back her long white-blond hair and resumed the conversation.[...Ouch. Count the stereotypes. To me, opening with "let out a high-pitched giggle" evoked fingernails scraping down a chalkboard. I almost stopped here, but I wanted to know if there was more to these characters.]
“C’mon, Sarah, you know you like him. I can’t really blame you; he’s pretty cute with those bright blue eyes and that big goofy smile,” Tracey was saying.[Another stereotype. If these girls are going to be googly over a guy, I would have liked to at least see something original in what they liked about him. If you're trying to write for teenage girls, they'll want to see something more than a parody of how people think ditzes act.]
“Yeah, Paul is definitely goofy. He never seems to take anything seriously,” Sarah replied.[No need to have her state the obvious.] Well, except for monster attacks, she thought.[Ah. The first thing I care about. But as a young adult I would have needed much more than that in order to be hooked, and would have been a lot less tolerant of the teen stereotypes, as well.]But Tracey doesn’t know that. She giggled at the thought of what her friend would say if she mentioned it. [I don't get what there is to giggle about.]
“See? Just talking about him makes you happy!”
Sarah sighed. [Second thing I care about: an emotion that's not stereotyped.] “Yeah, I guess you’re right. He’s just so…so…”

Overall, I don't think it's targeted. Just because the characters are teen girls doesn't mean teen girls will want to read about them.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Yea, I agree, but thats the market's idea, not mine. One of their requirements is teenage protaganists

As for the sterotyping well...there is a certain amount of basis in that. I was trying for a bit of contrast between them....Sarah is meant to be a bit more thoughtful. Also, I think everyone...male and female, all ages, have probably had conversations like that.

However I do have my doubts about that first line, so suggestions on how to convey what I'm going for would be appreciated.

Also, for the record, its not focused on teen girls. Shes one out of four main characters, the other three of which are boys. She is actually the "unofficial leader" of the group.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 30, 2008).]

Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :

I tried to check out Shiny to understand more about their target audience- but they don't have much of a website.

I'm going to say something that I probably shoudn't. I think the opening stereo types are probably ok, considering the audience that reads these stories don't fit those stereo types at all. Now I personally don't love it- and I'd recommend a catchy title that makes me want to hang in there a little longer. I do like the twist- I didn't see it coming. My main comment is to stay away from making it too sappy, and lay off the lovey-dovey stuff at the end. (Its obvious I'm a guy huh?)

I'm good with the opening sentence. It told me pretty much what I needed to hear to get descent picture of Tracey.

I'll read more if you like- but how long is it?

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

It's not finished yet. But I find discussion helps me work so...

The sterotypes arent going to be a big part of the story. Its mostly adventure. After this I introduce the other 3 members of the group (paul is one of them.) They are all...supernaturally aware in different ways, and end up dealing with various problems in the area.

Paul and Sarah already have a relationship of sorts...but its not the main focus. I also plan to introduce possible chemistry between the other two...handled lightly of course, it being a risky area and all.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

This piece is finished at last. O Dear Changer of Stuff,would you please change the subject line to:

Night of The Black Diamond "YA" Fantasy, 6.7k?

Thanks in advance :-)

I'd love some more volunteer readers :-)