Just an opening and some ideas at this point. I'm wondering if you can try on this intro for size and see how it fits. I promise I won't measure your inseam.
Space Truckin’ (working title)
Glenn slammed the reverse thrusters to full, causing his precariously balanced mug to slosh coffee over the nav panel. “Asshole,” he yelled at the tiny shuttle that had zipped in front of him. He killed the reverse thrust and resumed his approach to Stanton Terminal dock. “Dammit, I hate fringe stations. Where’d these yokels learn to fly?” He flipped the comm switch. “Yo, Stanton, this is GW Trucking requesting docking permission.” The response came a fraction of a second later than Glenn expected. “GW Trucking, please stand by for a routine cargo scan.” Something about the word routine made him pause.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Love the title. I'm a Deep Purple fan. I'd keep it personally.
The intro is very engaging, I think. A little space-based traffic frustration...not sure I've seen that before.
I'm trying to find something to actually critique, but I honestly can't think of anything. I think the writing quality, and engaging nature of the character and situation are more than enough to garnish interest.
Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :
Yeah.. I'd read on- sounds like theres alot to come... what else you got?
...I'm just wondering, was Glenn doing bicep curls while he was breaking... on his way to an arm wrestling match?
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Road Rage, not bad. Actually, pretty good in my opinion. A few things I might suggest.
quote:Glenn slammed the reverse thrusters to full, causing his precariously balanced mug to slosh coffee over the nav panel.
You could shorten this. Glenn slammed the reverse thrusters to full, spilling his coffee over the nav panel.
quote:“Asshole,” he yelled at the tiny shuttle that had zipped in front of him.
I would lose the "had"
quote:“Dammit, I hate fringe stations. Where’d these yokels learn to fly?”
The first sentence read a little off to me. I'm drawing blanks here for a suggestion. It could be me, it just, didnt seem like something someone would say. "Damn fringe stations. Where'd these yokels learn to fly?" But at anyrate you need that new punctuation mark, we discussed in the writing section, the wonder mark, !?.
I liked it. It wasnt over bearing, but kept moving.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
"...causing his precariously balanced mug to slosh coffee over the nav panel." This is hard to believe. Aside from the problems of getting liquid into the circuitry, there is the problem of it just floating around the cabin. Wouldn't liquids be contained in such a way to prevent such spills?
Other than that, nicely written.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I'm guessing there is artificial gravity of some sort, am I right?
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
Glenn sounds as slap-dash as the yokels he's cursing. While it's not logical to have coffee precariously balanced over a nav panel, nor even to have not noticed the shuttle zipping towards him, I'd read on because I like the pace and the hook with the routine thing.
I hesitated over the fraction of a second later than Glenn expected because a fraction of a second is barely perceivable.
Yep, I'd read on--provided he don't spill his coffee over the manuscript. Pat
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Pretty good...
I'd give it a go.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Yes, I liked it. I can sympathize with Glenn because it feels like what he's going through is a lot like sitting in a traffic jam! I like that he's got that "just another trucker" feel about him, and yet you've managed to make him smart--he senses something--and to tease come trouble for him in the near future. Very nice and smooth!
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Nice. Not a whole lot too add that hasn't been said before. Be glad to take a look at the whole thing, when there's a whole thing to take a look at Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Double. <shrug> I can't be giving high praise that enthusiastically, It'd ruin my reputation.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 23, 2008).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Rockin'! Good, clear characterization, I know where he is, when he is, who he is, and the hook is subtle, yet striking: is it the authorities who've usurped intergalactic weigh station, thieves or worse? I couldn't ask for more.
Anything I'd have to add would be nits. I'd read on.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
The man's gone crazy. Quick, somebody, take away his adjectives.
Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :
Thanks for the kind words and encouragment. When I have something ready to read, you guys will get first crack.
