Thanks to all of you who gave me feedback on my first attempt. This is the second try. I should be finished with the story in a couple of weeks. If anyone is up for reading the whole thing, please let me know. It will be between 5,000 and 6,000 words, and I am toying with three possible endings.
This is a humorous horror story, so the names are weird on purpose. I am not striving for literary greatness in this one, just fun.
Here are the first 13 lines:
Black Friday turned out to be very black indeed for Penelope Primrose. But not profitable, no, quite the contrary. Even though her boutique was only one block off of Union Square, and even though she had trained her Labradoodle, Poopsie, to sit in the display window behind the sign that announced the store's name, "Poopsie's Place", in large purple and blue neon letters, and even though that day was the one after Thanksgiving--the one day of the year when EVERYONE SHOPS, the first day marking the Christmas Season--that Black Friday resulted in a huge disappointment, because only two women wandered into her store. And they didn't buy a thing.
Okay, sorry. It is two lines over 13 inside this little square. However, on my manuscript it is only 8. Forgive me, and feel free to voice your honest opinions. Thanks.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Dont forget, its 13 lines double spaced in Courier font. Thats probably why your off.
Looks good, aside from the fact that it appears to be like all a single sentence. Is that on purpose?
You can put me on the list to read the whole thing.
Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :
I'll partake in a proofread of the Primrose Poopsie portrayal por favor.....
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Holy Elbesem, my mind just exploded.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
quote:Okay, sorry. It is two lines over 13 inside this little square. However, on my manuscript it is only 8.
Is it properly formatted? Are you using the correct font with the correct line spaces and margins?
It's risky to use your manuscript because of the formatting differences. A handier guide is this one, which is browser based.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
it should be Alliterate, instead of Illiterate
Posted by Pancho629 (Member # 7999) on :
this is my first time posting, so bear with me. personally, i really liked the the writing in your 13. ridiculously long sentences contrasted with short ones are great literary devices that show the type of character the person is. and its great for dramatic effect. with that said, i would keep reading because of that literary device, and not so much the story. although i dont think the hook of the story is very exciting for a horror story, the style of writing serves as its own hook for me.
Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :
Thank you for the guidance regarding the 13 line formatting. I will read the link and examine what I am doing in the future to try and post the 13 lines correctly.
Yes, the sentence is intentionally long. I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull off the narrative, but I'll try. The humor and horror that follows is built into the narrative, the characters and the evolving situation. I don't know if it will satisfy the reader by the end. This story is something new that I am trying.
Thanks to those of you who have agreed to read it. I will email it to you when I am finished, perhaps by the end of next week (I hope!)