Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fallen From Grace (YA Sci-fi/Horror, 1092 words)

This is topic Fallen From Grace (YA Sci-fi/Horror, 1092 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by BlakeR (Member # 7963) on :

Okay guys, throw me your worst. I want a down and dirty critique of this thing. Give me whatever feedback/advice/ideas you have, because I want to make this little thing as good as I possibly can.

Also, if anyone wants to read the full version, just mention it in your post and I will be more than happy to accommodate you.

Aside from that, I'm apologizing because the snippet I'm posting is slightly above 13 lines, but it's over it by two words at most. Now, critique away!

Shouts rife with hatred filled the midnight air of Rochester Village. Torchlight spilled across the sides of the neatly aligned cabins, casting them in a hellish light. Colin huddled in a corner of his family’s cabin with the smell of urine filling the air around him. The warm dampth that had just a moment before filled his pants was chilling to the temperature of a New York night. The Crusaders would reach him soon, and Colin could think of nowhere for him to run.

“Without Mother and Father, I have no one to guide me…God, why did you take them from me?” Colin knew his supplication fell upon deaf ears, but the Lectors at his primary school had drilled the instinct for prayer into him until it had become second nature.

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Edited for a typo I missed. :P

[This message has been edited by BlakeR (edited May 07, 2008).]

Posted by supaflyza (Member # 7965) on :

I'm battling with the stop, start flow of the rhythm here.

quote:
Torchlight spilled across the sides of the neatly aligned cabins

The word "spilled" doesn't work for me here. It induces thoughts of a liquid following the course of gravity, yet you're describing the flow of light here.

quote:
The warm dampth that had just a moment before filled his pants was chilling to the temperature of a New York night

This line feels like is needs some punctuation & "filled" doesn't work for me here either. It makes me wonder if he's wearing a diaper.

In general, it's not pulling me in enough. I'm not engaged to the point where I actually want to know what happens next, who the Crusaders are and why are they looking for Colin.
Those kind of questions didn't immediately pop up in my mind.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I'll read the whole thing, if you are in no rush.

However, there is no sci-fi or horror element evident in this first thirteen, which should be imperative in a flash-fiction piece. (In a way, flash fiction is much harder than most fiction lengths--you've got to have a polished jewel before anyone will accept it.)

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 07, 2008).]

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

I like the hook and the concept. However, for a flash story, I suggest you try removing some of the paraphrases and adjectives and stick to short, clipped, sentences. Short sentences are specially cool to convey action or anxiety, and they suit this fragment well. Try 'em out: if you don't like the result you can always go back to the way things are here.

The first phrase is an impersonal (ie: no human subject). In a normal story, I wouldn't object, but in flash fiction stuff needs to be happening fast. There's very little space to wander. I'd suggest you throw your MC in the mix within the first phrase, cut the description to minimum and convey action which has a human as an active ingredient. People empathize with humans a lot more than they do with situations and flash fiction is all about economy of words.

That said, I'm not reading from the Bible. It's your story: only you know how to write it and so far, to the best of my, admittedly limited knowledge, you're doing fine.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Looks good to me. I'll read the whole thing for you, though I find the concept of flash to be rather bizzare.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I got a horror element from the piece. A horde of angry villagers with torches can't be good news. I don't think "dampth" is a word--"damp" will suffice. And do we really need to linger on that for two sentences? In so short a piece, obviously, you want to keep it moving. The info I'll be looking for specifically is who the Crusaders are, why they want to kill Colin, what time period this is is, what the "rules" are (i.e. is magic possible?), and whether Colin is developmentally challenged.