Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Dog Named Katrina(Slipstream)2k

This is topic A Dog Named Katrina(Slipstream)2k in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Iknow. I know. I should be writing my WOTF, but this one was inspired.

Probably not the most engaging hook, what do you think?

I probably wouldn’t have stopped, were it not for the dog. The fat man beside the road holding the piece of cardboard that read: Newport didn’t look menacing at all, but I had a bad experience six months ago with a hitchhiker.
But the dog—there was something about it. A fine looking dog, at first it looked like an intricate carving, so still and perfectly colored, fawn with faded white spots. Even as the tired brakes squealed as I pulled the old Subaru wagon over, I found my eyes locked on the dog in the rear view mirror. The fat man got up from his canvas tote bag he sat on and wobbled up to the passenger door. I tossed all the trash from the floor of the front seat into the back and turned down Diane Rheems.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Good job! I'm hooked - I want to know more about that dog. The prose is very good, the scene compelling - not much to pick at with this opening.

This is a real nit. You might consider the sentence: "Even as the tired brakes squealed as I pulled the old Subaru wagon over, I found my eyes locked on the dog in the rear view mirror." This seems too long, it could be broken up and streamlined to better effect. "The tired brakes squealed as I pulled the old Subaru wagon over. My eyes were locked on the dog in the rear view mirror." Or something similar.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I'd say for the way your doing it, you probably don't need the colon in the bit about the sign. Just say "piece of cardboard with "Newport" written on it."

I agree with nitewriter.

Also

quote:
The fat man got up from his canvas tote bag he sat on

I'd say "The fat man got up from the canvas tote bag he was sitting on."

Posted by Wordmerchant (Member # 7778) on :

quote:
...piece of cardboard that read: Newport didn’t look menacing at all, but I had a bad experience six months ago with a hitchhiker.

Unless this bad experience is germaine to this story, I don't think it matters at all.

Posted by Dvorak (Member # 7976) on :

Definitely hooked. I want to know what happens! I'm going to nitpick a couple things, though:

I probably wouldn’t have stopped, were it not for the dog. The fat man beside the road holding the piece of cardboard that read[:] remove colon [Newport]add quotes didn’t look menacing at all, but I had [you actually need two "had"s here: I had... simply means "experienced" and is past tense. I had had... shows that the experience completed before the time you are writing about.] a bad experience six months ago with a hitchhiker.
But the dog— [m-dash, or use two hyphens as the correct substitute.] there was something about it. A fine looking dog, at first it looked like an intricate carving, so still and perfectly colored, fawn with faded white spots. Even as the tired brakes squealed as I pulled the old Subaru wagon over, I found my eyes locked on the dog in the rear view mirror. [This sentence is a bit awkward; consider changing one "as" into a "while" or splitting it in two so it will read better.] The fat man got up from [his] the canvas tote bag he sat on and wobbled up to the passenger door. I tossed all the trash from the floor of the front seat into the back and turned down Diane Rheems.

Very nice, though. In terms of general story I don't see anything personally that needs improving--that's why my critique is just nit-picking. Hope it helps.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Other than the problems with punctuation that previous posters mentioned, I don't see what's wrong with this hook.

It's a good idea to throw in the SF or Fantasy element fairly early, but you still have plenty of time to do that in the first page and the description and situation are sufficiently interesting to keep me reading.

Good job.

Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :

A seemingly normal guy intrigued by a seemingly normal dog is a hook, because it implies something seemingly NOT normal is going on. I'd continue reading.

The first sentence in the 2nd paragraph - But the dog--there was something about it - could probably be deleted. You told us right off the top that he stopped because of the dog. And, presumably the rest of the story will show us what it was about the dog. So this line here feels a bit cheesy. Just describe the scene and let the situation develop.