Looking to see if this opening hooks.
quote:
Brad set the silver block on the conference table. Nearly all the people sitting around the table leaned in. Brad spoke to the block.
“Car!”
Domino shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a manipulated Rubik’s cube. It took twenty seconds, but a silver replica of a Buick now sat on the table.
“This is just one of a dozen shapes this metamorphrocube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to design hundreds more.”
The executives fawned over Brad’s new toy as they passed it around. Brad glimpsed at Lance out of the corner of his eye, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and glaring at Brad. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back.
quote:
Brad set the silver block on the conference table. Nearly all the people sitting aroundI would prefer a description of those people that did lean in] the table leaned in. Brad spoke to the block.
“Car!”
Domino shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a manipulated Rubik’s cube. It[The transformation maybe?] took twenty seconds, but a silver replica of a Buick now sat on the table.
“This is just one of a dozen shapes this metamorphrocube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to design hundreds more.”
The executives fawned over Brad’s new toy as they passed it around. Brad glimpsed at Lance out of the corner of his eye, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and glaring at Brad[There is some subject confusion in this sentence]. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back
I'm hooked I have a feeling something bad will come because of this toy.
I like that the maker, I presume, is selling his revolutionary idea, and getting enjoyment by the disproval of one in particular. Makes me think conflict.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 01, 2008).]
quote:
Brad set the silver block on the conference table. Nearly all the people sitting around the table leaned in. Brad spoke to the block. ##It's just minor, but since the cube is inanimate, I'd use 'toward', not 'to'##
“Car!”
Domino## dash ##shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a manipulated## I don't think you need 'manipulated'## Rubik’s cube. It took twenty seconds, but a silver replica of a Buick now sat on the table.
“This is just one of a dozen shapes this metamorphrocube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to design## technically, the cube doesn't design them. It stores the designs. ## hundreds more.”
The executives fawned over Brad’s new toy as they passed it around. Brad glimpsed at Lance out of the corner of his eye, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and glaring at Brad. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back.
I'm hooked. If it had been me in the room, I would have gasped at the result. Also, I would have tried to give it commands.
Nicely done.
(edited for a typo)
[This message has been edited by slocum (edited May 01, 2008).]
This confused me a wee bit:
“This is just one of a dozen shapes this metamorphrocube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to design hundreds more.”
Can it make a dozen shapes or hundreds of shapes?
"Fawned" is a cliche. Specifically, what did they do?
Did all the people around the table but Lance lean in? Some description of the people--the executive management team, the venture capitalists, whatever--might give it more colour.
In my world, dominoes are rectangular blocks with a thin, rectangular cross-section. A Rubik's cube is made of cubes. So are the blocks oblong (hard to imagine them shuffling) or cubes? And, how big are they? The only Buicks I can imagine wanting to make models of are old, curvy ones, so the little blocks would have to be very small compared to the big silver whole block. If that's right, it might be worth giving us some sense of scale.
I almost like "metamorphrocube" but it's hard to say the "orphro" bit--maybe, "metamorphacube"?
Hope this helps,
Pat