Hatrack River Writers Workshop: It of the Lake

This is topic It of the Lake in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WordViewer (Member # 7892) on :

I re-edited this so that the story fits into the box by it self. I could have sworn it did the first time but I guess not, sorry about that. I measured this one by creating a new post and pasting the new edit into it with out the intro, it fit without the blue side bar. If I am doing this wrong please let me know.

This is a short I've started working on. First draft is complete and I am cleaning and tightening right now. Would like feed back on the first 13 and to find people to read the short when I'm finished with the cleaning. It is 3,752 words right now but will probably be a little shorter after that.

Thanks,

Pound

It was a large lake created a long time ago by a sinkhole. Jason heard a house was swallowed by it and Kris once found a dishwasher in it so they believed. They sat down by the diving tree. So many people used its limb to jump in the water that no leaves or small branches grew from it anymore. Shorts only, Jason was the first one in. He leaped up, did a complete flip and landed in the calm, cool water. Jason began to splash Kris with the cool water.
"Hurry-up."
"Stop it, you're getting my books wet."
"Well, hurry-up."
"My shoe lace is knotted, hold on."
"Just pull it off."

[This message has been edited by WordViewer (edited April 27, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 27, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by WordViewer (edited April 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 28, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
It was a large lake created by a sinkhole a long time ago. Jason had heard that a house was swallowed by it and Kris once found a dishwasher in it so they believed it.

A bit of an abrupt start and a little awkwardly put maybe.

Perhaps something along the lines of "Jason and Kris walked out to the large lake (in wherever it is). They had heard the lake was made a long time ago, the result of a sinkhole that had swallowed an entire house. Kris once found a dishwasher sunk in the shallows of the lake, so they believed it was true."

Not super, but something along those lines.

quote:
They sat down by the diving tree. So many people used its limb to jump in the water that no leaves or small branches grew from it anymore.

Basically the same problem here. "There was a big tree by the lake, with a large branch overhanging the water. The branch was bare from being climbed on or ropes tied to it for people to dive into the lake."

Honestly you could probably do without the descreption of the branch.

quote:
Shorts only, Jason was the first one in

Skip the mention of the shorts, or show them changing/undressing into swimwear

quote:
"Hurry-up."

Dont need the dash.

I will definitely want to read this at some point. I'm assuming theres something in the lake. Water and water monsters are of great interest to me.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 27, 2008).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Who is saying what? You need some speech tags.

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

I don't think you need dialogue tags. It's evident who is talking since only one is in the water and the other isn't yet. Tags would only serve to break the flow of the conversation.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Yeah, I think it's clear from context who is saying what. The opening paragraph was kind of rough for me. Maybe reword so you're not using the word "it" all the time. Especially with the title containing "it". Or was that the point? If so, it didn't work for me. Also, your first lines feel very passive--use of the verb "to be" as well as the amount of descriptions, and none of them very interesting or unusual. I like the bit about the sinkhole, but I think any potential mystery about it is lost in the rather abrupt, matter of fact way you state what's going on. I suggest cutting the description about the diving tree and expanding more on the two boys.

My 2 cents.

Posted by WordViewer (Member # 7892) on :

ANNEPIN:
[quote] Yeah, I think it's clear from context who is saying what. The opening paragraph was kind of rough for me. Maybe reword so you're not using the word "it" all the time. Especially with the title containing "it". Or was that the point? [quote]

No, thank you. That was not my point. I see now how that could be confussing. IT hasn't arrived yet.

[quote] Also, your first lines feel very passive--use of the verb "to be" as well as the amount of descriptions, and none of them very interesting or unusual. [quote]

I'll work on that, thank you.

I like the bit about the sinkhole, [b]thankyou[b] but I think any potential mystery about it is lost in the rather abrupt, matter of fact way you state what's going on. I suggest cutting the description about the diving tree and expanding more on the two boys. [b]I will look at that,l again thank you[b]

Pound

Obviously I need to reread your post on how to do these bracket things. Sorry.

[This message has been edited by WordViewer (edited April 28, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Lol. you're just missing the / to close the code. The slash goes between the two square brackets but before the command, so [/b] is what you'd put at the end of the bolded section, and [b] at the beginning. (Was it my post? I don't remember doing it!)

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 28, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
It was a large[the lake was] lake created a long time ago by a sinkhole. Jason heard a house was swallowed by it and Kris once found a dishwasher in it so they believed. They sat down by the diving treeI know what adiving tree is, but it doesn't read right. So many people used its limb to jump in the water that no leaves or small branches grew from it anymore. Shorts only,[cut/ we assume if he is diving into a sinkhole, he is only wearing shorts] Jason was the first one in. He leaped up, did a complete flip and landed in the calm, cool water[sommersaulting into the cold water]. Jason began[he did or didn't. he didn't begin to] to splash Kris with the cool water.
"Hurry-up."[Says who?]
"Stop it, you're getting my books wet."
"Well, hurry-up."
"My shoe lace is knotted, hold on."
"Just pull it off."
"Here I come."
Kris did a cannon ball right next to Jason, making him sink and come up coughing

having grown up with eight geologic sinkholes in the forest which is my back yard, I can appreciate this. The water is alwayscold a constant sixty something, I forget.

But there was no hint to the speculative element. This could have been a story of my teenage years, minus the well never mind.

Go ahead and send it over. I'll be glad to help.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll be happy to read this when you have it.

Although some editors may differ, I'm OK with not seeing the speculative element yet. The dark foreboding of the lake swallowing houses, and the title, indicate to me that All Is Not As It Seems.

Posted by WordViewer (Member # 7892) on :

Thank you all. I will send it out to those who expressed interest once I get through the cleaning pass. I have also committed to reading several shorts and feel I need to accomplish first as well. I should send out by Thursday. Thanks again, great notes.