Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sci-Fi

This is topic Sci-Fi - Hopefully Humorous in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

It's going to evolve into a satire of mandatory sentencing (exciting!). I'm not quite ready to have the second part read, but the first part is done, and should be able to stand alone. If you'd like to read it, it's under 500 words, and I'd love your comments.

But without further ado, here's the decidedly non-funny, non-satirical first 13.

quote:

The young reporter pushed his way through the throng to the microphone at the front of the hall. The prime-minister waved at him from the podium and he began.
“Er… Mister Prime Minister, any comment on the Waxfort Affair”
Henry Waxfort had been a prominent judge and Liberal party supporter, until he had been caught accepting bribes and drugs for acquittals.
“Mr. Waxfort’s problem is that he is human” said the Prime Minister, and sat down.
“Er… can you elaborate.”
The prime-minister remounted the podium. He gestured to his cabinet standing behind him.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Hmmm....is there a reason he sits down, then "remounts" the podium? that seems a little odd and uneccesary unless its leading into something.

quote:
The young reporter pushed his way through the throng to the microphone at the front of the hall. The prime-minister waved at him from the podium and he began.
“Er… Mister Prime Minister, any comment on the Waxfort Affair”

I would do

The young reporter pushed his way through the throng to the microphone at the front of the hall. The prime-minister waved at him from the podium. “Er… Mister Prime Minister, any comment on the Waxfort Affair” the young reporter began.

Well..thats not really right either. But I think the "he began" should be at the end of the sentence, and we should have some atribution of the dialogue to the reporter, rather than the prime minister.

I'll have a look at the 500 words you mentioned if you like.

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

You're right. That seguence is a legacy of the way I first wrote it.

Posted by NicerSimon (Member # 7893) on :

I like it, one problem though with the reporter beginning both his statements with "Er". Definately works in the second sentence, but it is awkward in both. Other than that, it's intriguing. I wouldn't mind reading if you want to send it.

Posted by PaulUK (Member # 7906) on :

I agree that the first 'Er' is a bit awkward, but the rest seems pretty good to me; if I picked it up in a magazine, say, I'd read more.

I'll have a look at what you've got, if you like.

Regards,

Paul

Posted by mrmccoy (Member # 7930) on :

quote:
Henry Waxfort had been a prominent judge and Liberal party supporter, until he had been caught accepting bribes and drugs for acquittals.

This sentence seems to come from a narrator and interrupted the flow as I read it. There's also no sense of the time frame for the crimes...

Consider working the Waxfort crimes into the dialog. The reporter's original question may elicit some emotional response from politician: anger, discomfort, gloating, etc. Then the reporter can start to read off the list crimes, again the reader gets to see a reaction.

I'd be hooked if Mr. Waxfort's problem is that he is a human.