This is the start of a short story that I have been writing I am at around 3000 words and near completion. Just interested in the reaction to the first 13. I would also like to know if you would continue reading. Nearly out of breath, Davis finally found Dr. Steffen just outside the docking ring leaning against the wall, rubbing his eyes, slowly sliding to the ground. Steffen looked like he'd just given up on life. “Dr. Steffen, sir?” said Davis trying to conceal the shock he felt over seeing “Ironheart” Steffen in this kind of state. “The captain sent me to find you sir.” “It would seem Mr. Davis, that you have found me.” Straightening himself Steffen continued. “Care to inform me what our illustrious captain requires of me?” “He would like you to be there when we open the hatch sir.”
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Definitely, just to find out the answer to: open what hatch? On what?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'd skip or reduce paragraph 3. ("It would seem you have found me...") All it adds, in my view, is an image of Steffen straightening himself.
I strongly recommend doing your best on the punctuation *before* posting -- give it to us as close to what an editor would see, as you can.
I'd keep reading, to find out what's wrong with Steffen.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
You've got two hooks! Well done.
Can't say I've ever seen short story to do it quite so well as you have.
First, I wanna know what's up with the slouching officer, and second what's under/behind the hatch.
Grammar is improving as well. Keep up the good work.
Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :
quote: Nearly out of breath, Davis finally found Dr. Steffen just outside the docking ring leaning against the wall, rubbing his eyes, slowly sliding to the ground. (This sentence feels a bit choppy. Plus, I don't think we care too much about Davis. Could be tightened up, like "Davis found Dr. Steffan just outside the docking ring, leaning against the wall, rubbing his eyes and slowly sliding to the ground.) Steffen looked like he'd just given up on life. (Can delete this sentence. You're telling us what you just showed us in the previous sentence.) “Dr. Steffen, sir?” said Davis trying to conceal the shock he felt (his shock) over seeing “Ironheart” Steffen in this kind of state. “The captain sent me to find you sir.” “It would seem Mr. Davis, that you have found me.” Straightening himself Steffen continued. “Care to inform me what our illustrious captain requires of me?” (I like this line -- it shows a lot of the character of Steffen) “He would like you to be there when we open the hatch sir.”
Yes, I would continue reading.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Steffen is sounding a lot like CSI: Miami's Horatio Caine. Not a bad thing, necessarily, but the dialogue does sound a touch canned.
Over all I'd read on. You've got a good hook in the hatch, Davis's reaction to Steffen's appearance, and Steffen's fatigue: all hint at an interesting set up.