Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Labyrinth of Entrails

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Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Hi guys, this piece is a dark fantasy piece. It's not finished yet, but when it is, it'll be 2,000-3,000 words.

A LABYRINTH OF ENTRAILS

Cathy and I are twelve, and we love each other. Bad Joe keeps us locked in his cellar with only a slit of light to entertain us. Cathy has pigtails and blue eyes, which I think are beautiful. We can't leave the cellar, but that's okay; Cathy can take us to magical places. That's the best thing about magic: you can do anything you want without even moving.
'We're going to kill him, Sadie,' she says to me with a smile. She's been putting on violet lipstick and its smudged all over her chin.

I frown. 'How?'

'Don't worry about that,' she says, and kisses me, smearing purple across my face. Her mouth is sticky and syrupy. She brings sweetmeats from her travels and eats them with me in the darkness. And I know she's ready for another voyage.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

This sounds very interesting. The only nit I have to pick at the moment is that the bit -- Cathy has pigtails and blue eyes, which I think are beautiful. -- comes in between sentences about their situation and breaks the flow of the story. Wrong place, but that's just my opinion.

I'll read it if you're looking for critiques any time soon.

Put Hatrack in the email subject line so I know you're not a spammer.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 20, 2008).]

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Thanks, Arriki. I'll send it to you once it's done. I'll also rearrange those lines. How about:

Cathy and I are twelve, and we love each other. Bad Joe keeps us locked in his cellar with only a slit of light to entertain us. We can't leave the cellar, but that's okay; Cathy can take us to magical places. That's the best thing about magic: you can do anything you want without even moving.

'We're going to kill him, Sadie,' she says to me with a smile. Cathy has pigtails and blue eyes, which I think are beautiful. She's been putting on violet lipstick and its smudged all over her chin.

I frown. 'How?'

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

In my opinion...a much better place for the line.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I was thrown by the lack of light in the dark cellar and the description of the blue eyes and violet lipstick.

Also the smearing purple across my face seemed strange considering it was his POV.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Hmmm, okay. I'll need to alter that in the final draft. Thanks. I'll probably say their only entertainment is a small slit of a window, showing the outside world. Then there can still be lighting as well.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Is the POV character male or female? I thought male because they loved each other, but the name Sadie made me think female. Could you work in "we are girlfriends" if she's a she, or change the name if he's a he?

I was confused as to whether or not the MC goes with Sadie. At first I thought yes, but in the end it sounded like no.

Present tense is risky, but so far so good. Keep at it!

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited March 21, 2008).]

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

This story's now ready for those who want to read it . . .

Cheers