Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Another stab at the opening of "Regn's Rain."

This is topic Another stab at the opening of "Regn's Rain." in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WetherbyOwl (Member # 4967) on :

Here is is. Have at it:

Regn awoke from his dream weeping. The river gurgled and splashed in the dark, the moon was veiled behind the clouds, and Terdom lay asleep beside him. Regn threw off his blue wool cloak and went to the river, the remnants of his dream dissipating like the fog at dawn. He had dreamed of his mother again. “Dea, Dea,” he whispered to the water. Mother, Mother. The water did not answer, but giggled and laughed on in the dark. Regn sat back on his heels, running his hands over his face, wiping away the tears. The breeze was warm and soft, and Regn breathed deeply, trying to breath the stillness around him into his heart.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

*yawns* waking up from another dream- third one today.

Sorry this is really the third or forth waking from a dream intro in this forum today.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

My last post may have appeared rude. It was not my intention.

When I joined Hatrack two months ago, I posted a story Another Day in Hollywood. It was set three hundred years in the future, but I wanted it to be a real day. Naturally I wanted to start the story with the MC waking up, not nescessarily a dream, but getting out of bed. I recieves so many comments on how cliche it was.

I was disapointed at first. Then I started seeing how cliche it really was when every day there was a post in F&F. Then I started to realize how many of these stories editors must recieve. I have come to the conclusion that if you want a story published, never start your story this way. It will never make it past the slush pile, no matter how good it is.

Posted by TheHaldurian (Member # 7842) on :

I'm one of the recent posters who made the waking-up-cliche mistake.

Bent Tree, just as a clarification. Would you say that a story will be rejected out of hand if the character has just woken up?

So, for example, if WetherbyOwl's first sentence talked about the MC weeping, but did not show the MC waking up, and it only became clear a few sentences later that he had just woken up. Would that still be cliched?

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Let's take this conversation to Open Discussion. She who must be obeyed will probably suggest we do so. I will open it up there.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Here is my take.

Regn awoke >from his dream< cut this and it would be a little less cliche weeping. The river gurgled and splashed in the dark, the moon was veiled behind the clouds, and Terdom lay asleep beside him these three things have little to do with each other. Are you sure you want them all in the same sentence?. Regn threw off his blue wool cloak and went to the river, the remnants of his dream dissipating like the fog at dawn. He >had< cut dreamed of his mother again. “Dea, Dea,” he whispered to the water. >Mother, Mother< I'm not sure why this is there. Maybe if you italicized it as his thoughts it might help. The water did not answer, but giggled and laughed The water giggled and laughed? on in the dark. Regn sat back on his heels, running his hands over his face, wiping away the tears. The breeze was warm and soft, and Regn breathed deeply, trying to >breath< second use of 'breath' in same sentence. How about 'absorbed' the stillness around him into his heart. not sure about wanting stillness into ones heart. Sounds like cardiac arrest

Not bad but it is not hooking me. Yes the dream opening is cliche but this appears to be central to your plot.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 18, 2008).]

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

How about simply beginning: Regn wept.

I'm sure this one has been used before, though

Then stick to the short and simple:

The river gurgled and splashed in the dark. The moon was veiled behind the clouds. Terdom lay asleep beside him.

[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited March 18, 2008).]

Posted by Evokka (Member # 7855) on :

I guess my biggest issue with the beginning is that I am confused as to the kind of emotion you are trying to set. He wakes up in the middle of the night all alone and weeping. And yet the river is gurgling, splashing, laughing and playing. Then he tries "to breath the stillness around him into his heart". I have a hard time jumping into the story when the tone contridicts itself. I feel the piece would be more powerful if you set all the water descriptions, including the weeping, to the same rythm.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Well, for starters this is short of 13 lines. Use all 13, even if you have to terminate a sentence in mid-phrase. you can tell how many 13 lines is because Kathleen has kindly formatted the text entry box to accept 13 lines of 12 pt. Courier, not including any paragraph spaces left.

quote:
Regn awoke from his dream weeping.(1) The river gurgled and splashed in the dark, the moon was veiled behind the clouds, and Terdom lay asleep beside him. Regn threw off his blue wool cloak and went to the river, the remnants of his dream dissipating like the fog at dawn. He had dreamed of his mother again.(2) “Dea, Dea,” he whispered to the water. Mother, Mother. The water did not answer, but giggled and laughed on in the dark.(3) Regn sat back on his heels, running his hands over his face, wiping away the tears. The breeze was warm and soft, and Regn breathed deeply, trying to breath the stillness around him into his heart.(4)

Okay, four quick points...

1. Waking from a dream is a cliche, but if you feel you must use it, then by all means, use it. Just be forewarned; if, on the rejection letter you will possibly receive for this story (since we all get rejection letters) if it says the opening "waking from a dream" sequence is cliched and detracted from the overall story, don't be surprised.

2. This is telling, when just a line below the same information is much more effectively shown. Lose this line and flesh out the show.

3. Water doesn't giggle and snort. I cut some slack at your use of human characteristics to describe the water earlier in the story, because I thought it added an effect - crying, gurgling, and splashing are all activities that we generally associate with children, particularly babies, and I thought it reinforced the youth of Regn. Going back to the well a second time in less than 13 lines is a bit much, though. Besides, the idea of a mute and unanswering stream is a much more poignant image than one that laughs back at Regn's plaintive cries.

4. A couple details aren't quite making sense here. One - this is a night scene, but the wind is warm? Even in the desert, the evening is cool unless there is some reason why the nights breeze would still be warm. Two - you state that the wind is "warm and soft, and then mention the "stillness around him." A breeze does not, to me at least, indicate stillness. Also, you've got an egregious adverb dangling there, right when you want to leave us off with a strong impression. The adverb itself isn't particularly grievous, but its use when "Regn took a deep breath" would also have worked makes it a particular sore thumb for me.

This is, likely, the third time I've critiqued the opening to Regn's Reign. How's the rest of it coming along?

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

This needs some line editing:

quote:
the moon was veiled behind the clouds

This should be: "Clouds veiled the moon."

quote:
The river gurgled and splashed in the dark, the moon was veiled behind the clouds, and Terdom lay asleep beside him.

These are three separate ideas. Separate them.

quote:
"Dea, Dea,"

Foreign languages are italicized

quote:
running his hands over his face, wiping away the tears.

If he wipes away tears, then I know he ran his hands over his face. Don't make me read the same thing twice.

quote:
The breeze was warm and soft, and Regn breathed deeply, trying to breath the stillness around him into his heart.

A few things. "The breeze was warm and soft" should become active. "The warm breeze brushed past..." Also, get rid of "soft." A breeze is, by nature, soft. If it weren't soft, it would not be a breeze. Therefore, "soft" is an unnecessary word, and gets cut. I like the idea of breathing in stillness, but if there's a breeze, there's not stillness. That breeze will be rustling grass, leaves, hair.

I think saying "he had dreamed of his mother again" is fine. You could show me the specifics of the dream, but I'm guessing the important part is just that he dreamed of his mother. "Showing" me here adds nothing to the story, and will not allow me to picture the character or the world any clearer.

My advice: Edit down to the word. Challenge every word. If it's not absolutely necessary, cut it.

Just noticed this:

quote:
Regn awoke from his dream weeping.

I first read this as "dream weeping," as if dream-weeping were some fantastic element that was going to be explained later. I think you meant, "Regn awoke from his dream, weeping."

[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited March 19, 2008).]