Hatrack River Writers Workshop: War Shell

This is topic War Shell in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. Please forgive this moment of nostalgia.

Ok...on to business. Genre is SF. Target length is 16-17k. This is the first draft, and I'd appreciate any comments you might have.

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Edge groaned into the warm fabric of his pillow, the heat from his breath spreading through it like the throbbing pain in his head. An alarm blared from his bedside console in angry, screeching tones that bored into his temples and bludgeoned the backsides of his eyeballs. One arm flailed awkwardly toward the glowing control panel. He slapped frantically at the display in an effort to silence the dreaded siren.

Edge cocked his head to one side, fixing a blurred, semiconscious eye on the offending device. One stabbing finger was enough to kill the beast, though the dull ache in the center of his skull refused to give up the ghost so easily.

You drank too much again, stupid. The thought seemed to shake an accusatory, pain-wielding finger at his mind’s eye.

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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

First off:

1) For a short story you are spending a lot of time on a seemingly unremarkable event of a guy waking with a hangover and turning his alarm clock off.

The alarm clock drilled into his head. He reached out and slapped it until it stopped.
Christ, I shouldn't have drunk that much, he thought as he sat up.
He turned and noticed the tentacled alien female lying next to him.
Oh, no. Not again.

2) Nothing to suggest that anything speculative is happening or about to.

3)There is no conflict or hint of conflict presented, except perhaps in terms of his hydration levels.

4)The prose and descriptive elements are good, although perhaps at times a little overdone.

quote:
Edge groaned into the (warm) fabric of his pillow, (the heat from his breath spreading through it like the throbbing pain in his head.)(The screech of the) (An) alarm (blared from his bedside console in angry, screeching tones that) bored into his temples and bludgeoned the backside(s) of his eyeballs. One arm flailed (awkwardly) toward the glowing control panel(. He) (and) slapped (frantically) at the display in an effort to silence the (dreaded) siren.

(70 words)
Would become:

quote:
Edge groaned into the fabric of his pillow. The screech of the alarm bored into his temples and bludgeoned the backside of his eyeballs. One arm flailed toward the glowing control panel and slapped at the display in an effort to silence the siren.

(44 words)

I think they pretty much cover the same ground--I am basing this on the 13-line principle of trying to hook people in. You have not established a hook and the extra wordage may allow you to that.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 01, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

This opening I have seen enough to where it almost seems cliche (opening a story with an MC hangover). Still, I still see it so it must still work.
This guy is experiencing one hell of a headache, that is for sure. I don't like this first line.

quote:
Edge groaned into the warm fabric of his pillow, the heat from his breath spreading through it like the throbbing pain in his head.

How heat from his breath spreading through the fabric of a pillow could be like a headache is something I cannot fathom. I think this headache scene needs to be little less poetic. Still I am intrigued enough to keep reading on.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

There are too many adjectives/adverbs in this 13. It would have more impact if they were pruned. Even then the impact would be minimal since really, nothing is happening. This is a description of a scene - it needs dialogue, at least a hint of conflict, character interaction - something more compelling.

"Edge woke up. His head throbbed from drinking too much the previous evening."

Now, what have you told me in your 13 that I haven't told you in these two sentences? Minus the not needed details and adjectives/adverbs - I would argue nothing. The essential information is that he awoke with a hangover. Writing is as much about knowing what not to say as it is knowing what to say.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 01, 2008).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Hey Inkwell. It's been a bit.

I know your writing well enough to know that you know about the cliche opening. Why I think THIS ONE works is the level of detail and the wonderful writing. I'd be willing to give you another few paragraphs for something to happen and the spec element to sneak in because the writing hooks me .

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

HI,

I think the prose is good (smooth), but over-done. I think if you pared it down it would improve. Then it would be tight. You don't paint the full picture for a reader, they do some of the work in their own head, yet here you have tried to explain every nuance. A reader then has to try and conform what they imagine with what you write, if it doesn't make sense you lose them.

So, I would have to disagree with King's Falcon assessment.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]

Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

Some good points, all around. I'm not going to spend a helluva lot of time reworking the intro right now. I want to get the bulk of the story written first and then go back over it with a fine-tooth comb.

But here's a quick rewrite that might address some issues, whilst sustaining others:

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Edge groaned into the fabric of his pillow, the heat from his breath spreading through it like the throbbing pain in his head.

I hate neuroburn, a remote, semiconscious part of his brain complained, and an alarm blared hostile agreement from his bedside terminal. Its angry, screeching tones bored into his temples and bludgeoned the backsides of his eyeballs. One arm flailed toward the glowing control panel, and he slapped frantically at the holodisplay with a string of slurred curses.

And you drank too much again, stupid. The thought shook an accusatory finger at his mind’s eye. Edge cocked his head to one side, fixing blurred, monocular vision on the offending device. One stabbing finger was enough to kill the beast,

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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited March 03, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 04, 2008).]

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

Dial back the modifiers.
You might have a great idea, but unless the intent of your passage was to be faintly comedic, it's not coming across.

quote:

Edge groaned into the fabric of his pillow, the heat from his breath spreading through it like the throbbing pain in his head. This simile doesn't make much sense, I would remove it
I hate neuroburn, a remote, semiconscious part of his brain complained, and an alarm blared hostile agreement from his bedside terminal. Wait, the alarm ALSO hates neuroburn Its angry, screeching tones bored into his temples and bludgeoned the backsides of his eyeballs. Most of those adjectives are unnecesarry. One arm flailed toward the glowing control panel, and he slapped frantically at the holodisplay with a string of slurred curses. Again too much description. Also I'm not sure what's wrong with One arm flailed, but I know it's not right.
And you drank too much again, stupid. The thought shook an accusatory finger at his mind’s eye. It is sentences like this which convince me this is intended Edge cocked his head to one side, fixing blurred, monocular vision on the offending device. One stabbing finger was enough to kill the beast, though the dull ache in the center of his skull refused to give up the ghost so easily. It's passages like this which make me wonder whether this is supposed to be humurous. Unless your story is one man's struggle against a hang-over of epic proportions, you are probably playing this up too much.

[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited March 03, 2008).]

Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

Actually, the intent is comedic, but not farcical. If that's what you got out of it, something's working.

Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

Well, in that case, excellent job.

Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

Thanks. I disagree on the subject of adjective use, but that's neither here nor there.

Inkwell
------------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited March 03, 2008).]

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

I actually agree with skadder AND king_falcon (ironic because they don't agree with each other). I read you're re-write but I liked your original a lot better; in the original, you used your words to paint your world, it was vivid, entertaining and I would have kept reading. With the original version you could have gradually introduced us to the sci-fi portion of your world. In the new version, I'm left thinking what is 'neuro-burn' and since I don't know I get frustrated. I don't know if anyone here has read William Shatner's (yes folks, it is Captain Kirk) TekWar series, but he was notorious for saying crazy sci-fi terms and not explainining them for pages. It's that memory that makes me cringe now when I read crazy sci-fi terms now. Captain Kirk took sci-fi away from me...but that's my own personal issue.
I also like what skadder wrote because, although it lacks your poetic technique, it was fast paced, and as a reader, I got the sense that I was rushing towards something (ala James Patterson). Either way though, I think ditch the rewrite. You have a good style and there's definitely an audience for it. One of the thing's that made Robert Jordan's 'Eye of the World' work was his descriptive style. Some readers like guessing the details, but I don't. I want to be told what the characters look like, how they feel and think. So, Kudos man. Good job. Great style.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I think one of the things that we get drummed into our heads as a "rule" which doesn't always work in reality is to limit the modifiers. But sometimes the modifiers are what make the story work.

The first version promised me wonderful writing and a rich world. The second version - yawn - is just another sci fi story in which the cliche opening of waking up is just another reason to put it down.

Sometimes the modifiers are required.

One problem that sometimes happens in critique groups is the story gets "normalized" ie made to sound like anyone could have written it. The first version isn't normalized. The second is dangerously close to it.

I like the first version much better. It has a hook - the writing. The second version is hookless for me.

Posted by Jo1day (Member # 7800) on :

I'm going to have to agree with kings_falcon. I like the first version of the opening much better than the second. There are a few flaws, but it's interesting.

The thing about all the modifiers in the first version is that they serve the story--they keep us in the moment, and they do a lot to give us the feel of everything. Usually the objection against modifiers is that they're unnecessary, slow down the action, and draw undue attention to themselves. The modifiers in the first version of the opening do not do any of the above.