I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I WAS fishing at a hole in the ice. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-alumuno cable with fifty fiber optic threads inside it. What’s more, I’d fallen asleep three other times this past hour without ever once dreaming of cold or ice or fishing. I did not want to be out here. The “fishing hut” was a Super Quonset hemisphere a mile away and I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside right now, breathing algae re-filtered air and sipping a warm beer with John and Mack.
But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little red telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in that water.
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 10, 2008).]
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quote:I'm afraid this doesn't quite hook me, mostly because I don't know where he is (Europa?) or why he's there. The problem is that you tell us plainly that he's not on Earth, and then fail to follow it up. You might (if you don't want to try to fit all that into the first thirteen) neglect telling us that he's not on Earth. Then the questions don't arise until they're significant. For example, you could start with the little red telltales doing whatever he's waiting for them to do, and then make things clear as needed.
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I WAS fishing at a hole in the ice. That doesn't make it strange. "Which shouldn't have been strange" would make more sense. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-alumuno Is this word made up? The spelling doesn't look right. Hydro-alumino would be more reasonable, but it would be better still without the -o at the end. Hydro-aluminate, perhaps? cable with fifty fiber optic threads inside it. What’s more, I’d fallen asleep three other times this past hour without ever once dreaming of cold or ice or fishing.Insert paragraphI did not want to be out here. The “fishing hut” was a Super Quonset hemisphere a mile away and I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside right now, breathing [algae re-filtered-->algae-filtered] (as is, it sounds like "breathing algae") air and sipping a warm beer with John and Mack.
But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little red telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in that water.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 10, 2008).]
My mind was busy wondering:
hydro-alumuno => Some kind of futuristic aluminum designed for water efforts?
Why does it have fiber optic threads in it? Is it carrying data or light? Why do they need data or light down in the water?
What the heck is a "Super Quonset hemisphere"?
How exactly does "algae re-filtration" work?
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I'm already lost on the story because my mind is trying to grasp all these new concepts in one paragraph.
[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited February 11, 2008).]
So, how's this?
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I never do that – dream about what I’m currently working on. You see, I was fishing at a hole in the ice. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-aluminate cable with fifty fiber optic threads. The “fishing hut” was a Super Q prefabricated hemisphere (suitable for landscapes with or without atmosphere) a mile away and right now I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside, sipping a warm beer with John and Mack.
But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little green telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in Europa’s seas. Overhead Jupiter’s cold red eye stared at
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2008).]
And I still don't get what he's doing there. Watching fish, but for what purpose?
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 11, 2008).]
There's nothing wrong with all the concepts, but you are just trying to introduce them all too quickly, I think. And I still don't understand what he's doing there, what his kind of "fishing" is, why he's doing it, or anything about it. In fact, with all the new concepts, my mind is still wandering toward those and not even thinking about what he's doing there.
I agree with annepin about the guy's attitude. It doesn't make me care about him....doesn't make me want to know what happens to him next.
I'd like at least some hint of the wonder and the excitement to come by the end of that paragraph. Even in the second paragraph when we get a hint of excitement the MC is not bothered, hence the reader is not particularly bothered by the latest development either.
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange. I never do that – dream about what I’m working on. You see, I was fishing at a hole in the ice. Only, this ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter cable with fiber optic threads inside running down to a probe at the end. Around me the thin air registered a balmy minus 270 degrees Fahrenheit while overhead Jupiter’s malevolent red eye glared at me. “Yeah,” I said. “The same to you, too.” And dialed up the heat for my feet.
Here I was, out on the ice, watching a panel of little green telltales for some sign of life way down below in Europa’s seas.
The radio crackled to life. “We have big fish incoming.”
Oh, god. Suits from MarsCorp
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He just nodded off and jerked awake but had the dream during those few moments. How to make that crystal clear?
I'm a little puzzled by "Suits from MarsCorp". Is it that the suits aren't sufficiently effective because Europa is a lot colder? You might have the answer in the completion of the sentence, which would be good enough for that problem--but I also don't see why you're talking about it at all. If he(she?) is out there waiting for fish, I should think that the radio telling him that some big ones are on the way ought to focus his mind on his task, not make him go on about his suit.
I think the reason this doesn't have much hook for me at this point is that I've read enough other stories about whatever might be below the ice on Europa that the topic alone won't hook me. And if that's taken out, not much is left--someone sitting out in the cold, uncomfortable but in no apparent danger, occasionally drifting off.
The line: "Here I was . . . Europa's seas" is a very small info-dump, but it still feels like one because of its placement, right between "dialed up the heat for my feet" and "The radio crackled to life." It seems to have nothing to do with either sentence. You might want to move its two pieces of information ( 1) Europa, 2) watching for life ) up to the first paragraph where he's actually (with some reason) describing what he was doing and the circumstances under which he was doing it.
Definitely improved over the first version, though. And the writing itself is fine.
The pov is one of three guys who've been out there doing boring research in the cold and isolation for two years.
Would it help if I either Capitalized the "Big Fish" or italicized it (put in all caps here since I cannot figure out how to indicate italics otherwise)?
I really like their referring to the bean counters (another term they use a few sentences down) that way. It feels to me that these particular three after being down there together so long would do that.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 12, 2008).]
It's just fun. A real fish story about the one that got away. I'll write something serious next.
Italics are done similar to html: <i>This is italicized</i> in html. Here you substitute <> with []. It will look like this: This is italicized. When entering something in the textbox, look over on the left and click the *UBB Code is ON link to see the whole list.
A couple of other nits. "Which was strange because I never [do that – ]-->omit dream about what I’m doing." Also, I think you need a "had" before "started to doze off again".