I followed her. She could not see me, but then had I been visible, she would not have seen me--for her mind was elsewhere. The energy that moved through her was erratic and weak, only embers, not the bright flame that life should be. She was poisoned, and it robbed her of vitality, leaving her to stumble through life. I’d seen others like her before--many of them. Beneath my ghostly feet the grass glistened with life. It was marvellous in my vision—like a bed of jewels. All seemed ethereal to me—a sort of featureless grey--but life shone through, hard and bright. I, too, walked as a man on this earth, though it was centuries, nay millennia ago. A time of swords and spears, at least, that is
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 07, 2008).]
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
This seemed to lack the punch that I associate with your openings, Skadder. I would be tempted to start with "She was poisoned...." and trim down what follows and let us know why he's following her after all these years. Perhaps it should be, "Her spirit was poisoned," since that seems to be what you're aiming at.
Her spirit was poisoned and so she stumbled through life without the bright flame she once had. Her energy was erratic and weak, making it simple to follow her. Though I was barely visible to her, her ethereal presence shown through to me, like jewels....
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
quote:I followed her. Who? She could not see me, but then had I been visible I had to re-read this several times. I think you mean "but even if I had been visible," but I'm still not entirely sure. , she would not have seen me--for her mind was elsewhere. The energy that moved through her was erratic and weak, only embers I don't think of embers as erratic. This imagery made me pause as I tried to figure it out. , not the bright flame that life should be. She was poisoned, and it robbed her of vitality, leaving her to stumble through life. My first thought was that you literally meant she was poisoned recently and is dying rapidly from it. But the mention of "through life" makes me confused about what's really wrong with her and how long ago this "poisoning" occurred. I’d seen others like her before--many of them. All of this is happening in a white room--as in, I have no sense of place or time. I also feel like you are deliberately withholding information from me, or you're at least being maddeningly vague. Every new sentence is only making me more confused rather than settling me into you world. Beneath my ghostly feet the grass glistened with life. So the MC is a ghost and the grass is NOT poisoned. Okay, good. It was marvelous in my vision—like a bed of jewels. Um, don't tell me, he isn't a ghost and this is just a dream/vision? All seemed ethereal to me— since he's a ghost, wouldn't it? This seems to repeat what you already established in the previous sentence. a sort of featureless grey--but life shone through, hard and bright. I, too, walked as a man on this earth Ah, finally, so our POV is a dead male and the story takes place on earth. Good. , though it was centuries, nay millennia ago. A time of swords and spears, at least, that is
The first problem for me is that you take too long to give me any background on the MC and where he is. The second problem is that I have no idea what the story is about or what the stakes are. Also, the girl is mentioned in the first line as if she's important, but she rapidly is forgotten as the writing gets sidetracked. Stay focused.
Hope this helped.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited February 07, 2008).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I am not sure if anyone saw my post on 1st and 3rd. This is the story.
This is a first fairly small paragraph that introduces the 'ghost'. It is meant to be slightly vague and unclear, representing the ghost's perception. (a gamble) Next it cuts to third as the prose snaps to 'normal' concise prose for the human the ghost is following. This is meant to create a striking difference between the two bits.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Revised:
I followed the woman. Beneath my ghostly feet the grass glistened with life, like a bed of jewels. Though everything else seemed featureless and grey to me--as though the world were only a shadow of it self--life shone through, hard and bright. The woman could not see me. I doubted, had I been visible, she would have seen me, either--for her mind was focused elsewhere. Her energy moved erratically and glowed weakly--only embers, not the bright flame that her life should be. Her body and mind were being poisoned by something and it stole her vitality, leaving her to stumble through life. I’d seen others like her before--many of them. I, too, walked as a man on this earth, though it was centuries, nay millennia ago. A time of swords and spears, at least, that
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 08, 2008).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Okay, I'm going to try and stay serious for this one. I've had the pleasure to read this story. I know what the purpose of 13 lines is. Yes, it is to grab an editors attention to read on. Your first version is good enough for anyone to want to keep reading. Saying who the MC is this soon won't work. In fact it will ruin the entire story. This is the best short story that I ever read. It breaks a lot of rules on what I've read on here as far as what a writer should do and shouldn't. Switching POV's, going from first person to third person, large stretches of italasized text, keeping important information from the reader, IT ALL WORKS! Adam, I've seen you ruin greats pieces of fiction because you wanted to improve your first 13 lines. Don't make the same mistake here. Your first version was tight and gripping. It's 2500 words long but I've read flash pieces that seemed longer. Anyone that wants to read a great piece of fiction, BEG Adam to send it to you. This may not be the best story you ever read, but I defy you to say it's not good enough.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 08, 2008).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Heh! With a accolade like that, how can I resist? I'll give it a read, skadder.
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
If you are still looking for readers, I will read as well.
Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :
Wow. I wish that snapper guy was MY marketing agent!!!
Send it on to me, Adam. I'll give it a read too.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I only have one glaring problem with the original:
quote:She could not see me, but then had I been visible, she would not have seen me--for her mind was elsewhere.
This is either a PoV violation (as the ghost wouldn't know the state of her mind), or I need her name (because the PoV character knows her that well). Other than that, it's a good hook.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 08, 2008).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Nope, disagree IB. If this is a corporeal being, it wouldn't be a stretch for it to know how someone is feeling. Besides, you can tell if someone's 'mind is elsewhere' just by looking at them. If someone had for example a parent that just died, you wouldn't even need to know the person to tell they have something heavy weighing on them by the look on their face, how they would walk without paying attention to anything else, the way there shoulders slack. The lines fine.
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
quote:Your first version is good enough for anyone to want to keep reading.
Actually, I wouldn't have read on because I was so confused. I like the second version much better and would certainly have continued reading it. I also don't see how it gives away any information that the other one didn't--the information just seems rearranged so that I wasn't so confused.
All that said, you know what comes next, snapper, so maybe it does give away something "too soon." I also don't suppose it matters that I wouldn't read on since obviously plenty of others are willing to take a look at the old version.
As always, good luck, Adam.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks for everyone's comments. Always helpful to have many opinions.
Debbie the second version is the same as the first, but basically re-arranged, with a few words extra to try and improve clarity, based on the comments you made.
Adam
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
quote: Nope, disagree IB. If this is a corporeal being, it wouldn't be a stretch for it to know how someone is feeling.
First off, snapper, I already know your opinion. You've stated it clearly. Also, it doesn't change mine. From your original comment, I believe you have a biased opinion anyway. I think Adam is a very capable writer, but my opinion--no matter how you protest--is also valid. I am an unbiased reader.
As far as the corporeal being knowing someone else's thoughts: that's magic not being a ghost. Magic has rules, and I need to know them. Being a spirit--contrary to what you think--doesn't mean telepathic.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 08, 2008).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I don't want to fuel an argument, but I will explain my view on what I have written, so you can judge if I have failed to achieve what I set out to do.
Earlier on a I used the word ghost with '' around it (e.g. 'ghost'). I know I also used '...ghostly feet..' However to call this entity a ghost is semi-accurate. It has a far more complex role. Obviously, who and what it is requires more space than a 13-line info dump would allow, so it is drip-fed into the story.
The 'spirit' can read energy within a person and, having done that for millennia the entity is able to interpret what the flows mean (a better and more accurate way of assessing someone's mind and body than we have at our disposal using our eyes, etc.). Since this is his POV these, his interpretations are written as facts. It's not meant to be telepathy--but is it magic? I don't know...it may appear so.
Any thoughts.
P.S. Is this what they call Magical realism?
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Adam, it would be enough in the beginning to know that it's magic. Eitehr way, as I said, it was the ONE thing that glared at me. I thought you'd like to know. (Which is the whole point.)
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
No, I am always interested in your viewpoint. The reason I posted on the site was to get everyone's viewpoint. I only posted the explanation to see if you thought I had achieved what I set out to do.
Are you saying that I should clarify that it is magic (which I wasn't certain it was), and that I haven't done it i.e. my references to energy flows aren't sufficient to do this?
I am always interested in everyone's viewpoint. Obviously, as we all know, you can't take everyone's opinion on board all the time--I don't always agree with everything everyone says. I tend to pick and choose from the advice, (as we all do) but I do consider everything everyone says.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 08, 2008).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Revised again:
It was always the way--I went where I was sent. Plucked from a hillside and swept across a vast ocean, my vaporous being reformed behind a woman who staggered through the darkness of a vast city. Beneath my ghostly feet the grass swirled with life—glistening like a bed of jewels. Everything else was featureless and grey to me, but life always shone through, hard, bright. She could not see me. Had I been visible, she would still not have noticed me, for her mind was elsewhere. Her energy was erratic and weak--barely embers--not the bright flames it ought to be. Something poisoned her, stole her vitality and now she stumbled through life. I’d seen others like her before, many of them. I, too, had walked as a man on this earth, though it was
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 11, 2008).]
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I really liked this one, massive improvement over the second revision. I liked the short punchy paragraphs, keep the action moving along nicely and there's just enough information to keep me interested while keeping a nice sense of mystery.
I know you've had a few readers of this already but if you want one more feel free to send it my way.
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
Adam, this last revison has me thoroughly hooked. If you need another critiquer, send it my way.
One quick question:
quote:It was always the way.
Did you mean "It was always this way"?
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited February 11, 2008).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Yep, I 'gree. I like this opening lots better. Bravo!
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 11, 2008).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I have sent out the story to those that requested it.
It was always the way (it happened)--(mildly archaic, as I want it to be)
Sounds right to me, although your version would work too.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 12, 2008).]
This seems to repeat what you already established in the previous sentence. a sort of featureless grey--but life shone through, hard and bright.
