Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Byron's Suppression

This is topic Byron's Suppression in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by gobi13x (Member # 6837) on :

Here is the start of a story that I have written for a school project. I have basically finished the rough draft, and was seeing what I need to improve. The idea for the story came in part from people in my thread on literary fiction found in open discussion section.

Byron woke to the sound of thunder. He sat up and looked out the window next to his bed and saw rain pouring down. Great another rainy day, he thought. As he looked at his clock, the reddish glow told him that it was nearly noon. He figured that he should get up, since he had to leave for work at the local superstore, Sal's Bulk Store, as an unloader.
He went to the kitchen in his apartment and grabbed some cold ribs from the refrigerator, sat down, and read yesterday’s paper. When he finished his food, he went to get dressed, by putting on his chemical stained pants and dirty blue shirt. Why ruin another set of clothes, he thought. Byron was glad that since he worked in the backroom, because he did not have to follow the dress code.

Edit: Two things: First I changed the format a bit, because you were right. Second, I agree that it is about mundane things, but the teacher said it was a good start at least content wise. So I do not want to change the meaning of the story, if that makes any sense.

[This message has been edited by gobi13x (edited January 27, 2008).]

Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :

There's not much going on here, just a string of short, choppy sentences describing mundane morning actions in detail. Not much here to make me want to read on.

Seven of your twelve sentences start with "He <weak verb>." Five of them are in a row.

Condense this into one, maybe two sentences, so that you can get to the true start of the story (hits a 30-foot robot with his car? saves a kid from drowning? burns down the store?). Unless this is about him snapping under the angst of a mundane life, most of this can go. And even if it is, there needs to be a hint early on about what's going to happen to keep readers reading on.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I agree with LCastle on this one. To me, it read like nothing more than a list of the mundane things anybody would do on waking.

I read the thread you mentioned and I think you might have taken it a little too much to heart. Some of the most compelling shorts I've read have been by "literary" authors (Ian McEwan springs to mind). So it doesn't have to be about the daily grind, but even it if is about the boring trivialities of life, the writing doesn't have to match the subject matter. In an opening like this, where nothing is happening, you are solely relying on the quality of the writing in making the reader want to read on and at the moment, I probably wouldn't.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

But since this is a school assignment, what gobi13x really needs to know is whether or not it is competent enough for the teacher to read on.

I think you're doing fine here, gobi13x.

Posted by gobi13x (Member # 6837) on :

Thanks Kathleen. That was basically what I was asking. I guess I should have included that in the first post.

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

I'm going to have to disagree with you there...
Good writing is good writing. Period. Just because the assignment is for school doesn't mean your teacher won't appreciate your skills, even if s/he will tolerate lesser efforts. Failing to point out mistakes does everyone a miss-service.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

quote:
Byron woke to the sound of thunder. He sat up and looked out the window next to his bed and saw rain pouring down. Great comma another rainy day, he thought. As he looked at his clock, the reddish glow told him that it was nearly noon. He figured that he should get up, since he had to leave for work at the local superstore, Sal's Bulk Store, sounds repetitive: What about "leave for work at Sal's, the local superstore" ? as an unloader.
He went to the kitchen in his apartment and grabbed some cold ribs from the refrigerator, sat down, and read yesterday’s paper. When he finished his food, he went to get dressed, by don't need this word putting on his chemical need hyphen here stained pants and dirty blue shirt. Why ruin another set of clothes, question mark instead of comma he thought don't really need this thought attribution. Byron was glad that since he worked in the backroom, because he did not have to follow the dress code. don't need "since" and "because" both

I think you are doing exactly what your teacher wants here, in terms of the story itself. But when the story is done, you'll want to go through and make the writing itself shine to the best of your ability, and make your character someone more fleshed out. (It's no fun doing that on a story you don't care much for, though.)

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 28, 2008).]

Posted by gobi13x (Member # 6837) on :

Thanks for the help everyone. I plan to put this story in storage after I turn it in and get back to work on my other stories that I enjoy writing.