Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rats.....

This is topic Rats..... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Darth Petra (Member # 7126) on :

I don't have a title yet. It's about rats.

Regera was dreaming. His mate, Eran, could tell by the way he was moving strangely in his sleep. He often had strange dreams from Rattus. Eran wondered what the rat god was telling him now.
Regera jerked again in his sleep, and then opened his eyes.
“There was a new litter born,” he said. Regera didn’t need to explain any more. Eran knew that the new king had been born in that litter. Some day, the pup would lead the family.
“I must go to the nursery,” Regera crawled from the nest and down the tunnel.
“Sire,” the sleep door guard jerked himself awake.

Posted by bigdawgpoet (Member # 7046) on :

OK, this is interesting.

Is the piece ready for readers?

Posted by Darth Petra (Member # 7126) on :

No, it's not ready at all. I've got bits of a beginning, a whole middle battle sequence, and a bit of the end. I'm filling in the holes.

Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :

We find that Regera has 'heard from' Rattus more than once...

quote:
Eran wondered what the rat god was telling him now.

...which, on the surface, is a good way to get me interested in the story (I've always been curious about the subject of meanings and messages derrived from dreams), but the sentence, as written, loses so much potential. Consider mentioning the content or topic of a past dream, or the theme of consecutive dreams, to establish in the reader's mind why being spoken to by Rattus is important / traumatic / horrifying.

My opinion not withstanding, it's an interesting start.

S!
S!...C!

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

Heya

Well, I've always liked animal-based stories (Watership Down, Duncton Wood, etc), so I was bound to be interested by it.

No huge complaints, just a couple of things. Firstly, the name 'Rattus' is a little predictable for me, though others might not agree. Next, 'Eran knew that the new king had been born in that litter' seemed a little... unexpected, I suppose, especially since she's just been wondering what the rat-god is telling Regera. How does Eran know that the new king had been born? Lastly, '“I must go to the nursery,” Regera crawled from the nest and down the tunnel. “Sire,” the sleep door guard jerked himself awake' - NOW I'm a little confused. Is Regera the current King? That's how I'm reading it, because the door guard seems to call Regera 'sire' as he walks past. That wouldn't make any sense, because that would make Eran the queen, and she'd obviously know about it if 'a new litter was born' (since she'd be doing the birthing).

Hopefully I'm just being dense and misreading it for that last point. Anyway, I'm still interested and would read on. Hope this helped .

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 22, 2007).]

Posted by Darth Petra (Member # 7126) on :

Thanks everyone. This isn't my first attempt at anthropomorphic stories...hopefully, this will go somewhere.