"I shall pop there, to yonder grove, and pray to God, my father," he said and smiled serenely.
"Right, er..,pop?" Peter said, he glanced at the grove, "Shall we shall wait for you here, Jesus?"
"Yes." Kevin forced himself to walk slowly across the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden behind the trees, he wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. It was getting too close to 'hammer-time' and the Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no travel was possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble.
"S***. S***. S***."
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake? He pressed the tachyon pulser. Next to him the air
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]
I am a die-hard Christian myself, and I must say......
I like it. :-)
I can't help but wonder: 1) What "mistake" was made, and 2) whether he dies or not.
Please send it along whenever it's ready.
"I shall pop there, to yonder grove, and pray to God, my father," he said and smiled serenely.
"Right, er..,[three dots, not dot dot comma?]pop?" Peter said, [as?] he glanced at the grove, "Shall we shall wait for you here, Jesus?"
"Yes." Kevin forced himself to walk slowly across the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden behind the trees, he wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. It was getting too close to 'hammer-time' and the Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no was travel [no time travel was possible?] possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble.
"S***. S***. S***."
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake? [nice hook] He pressed the tachyon pulser. Next to him the air
We're in Kevin's head and I don't think he'd think of 'hammer time' as something that needs inverted commas, he'd think of it as something normal, right? So the inverted commas around the term feel like an author intrusion.
I'd read on--send it my way if you'd like.
Cheers,
Pat
Didn't get the "S***. S***. S***" - did the system censor some profanity? If so, I got it.
This story is unwritten, I squeezed as much as I could into this intro to give a flavour of where I was going--really to see how offended people may be about it.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]
That may depend upon the nature of his "tiny little mistake" ;-)
Pat
I can't see anyway for the mistake not to offend when first mentionned...I can make it more palatable, but not until the end..
“Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.” Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run as he crossed to olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane.
As soon as he was hidden from sight, he pulled out a packet of Marlboro’s from inside his tunic and lit one up. He inhaled deeply.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring. Forlornly he looked down at the Chrono-gen strapped halfway up his forearm. It hadn't changed, the display was still locked solid by the paradox bubble around him--he was still stuck. He had to hope
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 12, 2007).]
But it's lost "Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake?" and that was a great hook. The second version lacks the sense of menace that the first has with the mention of crucifiction.
Hope this helps,
Pat
The second version is still hooky though isn't--hooky enough?
In other words, the crucifiction line was, for me, what made it stand out. It depends on how much you believe in the first 13 theory.
Just a thought,
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited December 12, 2007).]
"Take this cup from me, Dave."
I am going to try to incorporate as many famous lines as possible in the story, which is from now until the resurrection.
But, to tell the truth, that doesn't bug me as much. I like the first 13 feedback, but I'm going to get pulled in by the premise, so the overall disconnect of "Kevin" talking to Peter is already a hook for me, as well as him flaming up and checking the Chrono-gen...
I'd keep reading.
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 13, 2007).]
Love the "thank God" line for it's ironic value. Would a man who is worried about getting crucified within a few hours really be relieved about anything, though? Maybe so, and you will sell me on it once I read a little farther and get some more context. Just pointing out something that jumped out to me.
Love the Marlboros, too.
So far, I don't see anything that would offend anybody. I don't think even the hard-liners who think Harry Potter is teaching our children witchcraft (along with literacy and a love of exercising their imaginations...damn that Satan!) would be offended by what you've got here so far. It's clearly just whimsical fiction. But, then again, so is Harry Potter. It's mind-blowing what some people will be offended by.
The hook has hooked me. I would offer to read the whole thing when you get it done, but I've sworn to myself that in my month off school I am going to get my novel completely polished and mailed out to some agents, and after that grad school starts back up, so no time. Your first thirteen made me want to read the rest, though.
Don't forget the Kevinists.
Pat
quote:
Love the "thank God" line for it's ironic value. Would a man who is worried about getting crucified within a few hours really be relieved about anything, though?
The whole story is going to chock full of irony. The guy is an atheist and has faith, misplaced, in his friend and the professor getting him out of said paradox bubble.
That's a point...no mentioned any problems with 'a paradox bubble'--so I guess it works as a concept.
quote:"Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.” New paragraph
Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run as he crossed to olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane.As soon as he was hidden from sight, he pulled out a packet of Marlboro’s from inside his tunic and lit one up. He inhaled deeply.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring.
Forlornly <- you could lose this "ly". he looked down at the Chrono-gen strapped halfway up his forearm. It hadn't changed, the display was still locked solid by the paradox bubble around him--he was still stuck. He had to hope
If it t'were me, which it t'wern't, I'd switch the "forlornly" section with the "wrenching up the sleeve" section from the first version. You've got me hooked with the smoking and "Kevin" being "Jesus" but the other few lines including the site edited profanities was much more hooky.
You could also delete the "Hammer time" reference and have it still work something like:
"Peter,” Kevin said, “I must go to yonder grove of olive trees and spend time alone in the presence of my father, God.”
“Yes, Jesus,” said Peter. “We shall wait for you here.”
Kevin gave his most serene smile, then tried not to run (to the)olive trees on the far side of the Garden of Gethsemane. Once hidden from view, he (yanked) out Marlboro from (the pack) inside his tunic and lit one up.
“Thank god,” he muttered, blowing a smoke ring.
He wrenched up the sleeve of his robe. The Chrono-Gen's paradox indicator was still flashing red--no travel was possible--he was still locked in the paradox bubble. [u] S***. S***. S***. [/u]
Would he have to get crucified, just for one tiny little mistake
- that's 13 lines.
Good luck
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 13, 2007).]
My only trouble with the Marlboros: Tobacco has a very distinctive smell which Peter and the others would have never experienced. Not what you want if you're trying to avoid attracting attention.