Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Alien in the Barn

This is topic The Alien in the Barn in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002815

Posted by Bowiemom400 (Member # 7279) on :

The is my very first post of the very first thing I've written... I pretty much wrote this last night. The first 13 lines... I think. All feedback is gratefully accepted.
Thanks.

Georgia found the alien hiding in her barn after she finished picking green beans for tonight’s supper. The alien wasn’t terribly frightening or intimidating. Or, even particularly alien looking. He just looked different enough so you knew he wasn’t from any place on earth.
After a few moments with her mouth gaping open like the Grand Canyon before it collapsed, Georgia took a tentative step forward. She reached behind the alien, and grabbed a small basket for the potatoes still out in the garden. With the basket firmly in hand, Georgia marched out into the frigid August sunshine.
As she shivered with the cold, Georgia wistfully thought of traditional August days with heat so suffocating you couldn’t

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 29, 2007).]

Posted by Plume (Member # 7278) on :

What does the alien look like? As soon as you finish saying it looks like it's from somewhere else, I am left with a blank. What colour is it? Is it short or tall. I see the barn and the beans, but not the alien.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I, too, thought "what does it look like?" If there is an alien and you don't say what it looks like right away, you should have a good reason (which you might...) "He just looked different enough so you knew he wasn’t from any place on earth." is frustrating because it is so vague.

I seems really weird that she sees the alien, is surprised for a moment, then walks out of the barn thinking of something else (but again, you might have a good reason for this)

I would read a little further to see 1) why was her reaction to the alien so mild and 2) why is it cold in August? and 3) was there a good reason for not describing the alien 4) why did the grand canyon collapse?

Nitpicks:
"Georgia found the alien hiding in her barn after she finished picking green beans for tonight’s supper.": The use of "tonight's supper" with the past tense seems odd. Should it be "that night's supper" or something?

"The alien wasn’t terribly frightening...": I would use "it", you used "The alien" on the last line.

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

I like the fact that my mind churned on many possibilities about the alien, but I can see how most would want a description right away. Still, I think you are okay if you give it very soon after this first thirteen.

Do you mean her mouth gaped open like the Grand Canyon, but then collapsed? It sounds like collapsed refers to the Grand Canyon, which makes it a simile of an unknown event, and that's odd. (I wouldn't say it was completely verboten--P.G. Wodehouse could get away with it. But it's odd as it stands.)

So far, I like your voice. It kind of fits her walking away as if finding an alien was no big deal.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Hi, Bowiemom400.

My take:

quote:

Georgia found the alien hiding in her barn after she finished picking green beans for [tonight’s<--I don't think you need this word. It confuses tense, too.] supper.<--Nice hook.] The alien wasn’t [terribly<--Eww. Adverb. Kill it, kill it!] frightening or intimidating. Or, even [particularly<--Ack!] alien looking.<--[How? What did "he" look like?] He just looked [different enough<--Can't picture this. Make me..] so [you<--Me? This reminds me that I'm reading, instead of taking me deeper into Georgia's PoV.] knew he wasn’t from any place on earth.
After a few moments with her mouth gaping open [like the Grand Canyon<--[PoV?] [before it collapsed<--Unnecessary. If it was a "few moments", we assume her mouth didn't lock itself that way.], Georgia took a tentative step forward. She reached behind the alien, and grabbed a small basket for the potatoes still out in the garden. With the basket firmly in hand, Georgia marched out into the [frigid August sunshine<--Eh? Where is she at, Siberia? Ukraine?].[Eh? She just sees something so strange that she stares, mouth agape, but then reaches past it, without a word, and just goes about her chores? Doesn't seem real.]
As she shivered with the cold, Georgia wistfully thought of traditional August days with heat so suffocating you couldn’t[Why isn't she thinking about the "alien"?]

1) If you hook us with Georgia discovering an "alien" you have to let us know:

How she knows it's an alien. Specifically what she sees that determines that.
How she feels about that. She might show the alien ambiguity, but I don't buy that she'd feel nothing.
Why the alien is relevant. For instance, if you were walking through Central Park, you might find a dead body. Regardless of how many bodies have been found in Central Park, you would feel something. Fear? You could have been there at the wrong time; it could have been you. Sadness? It could have been a small child, or an old man that you'd regularly seen joking over a game of chess. Anger. No matter what you had felt, the event--and the feelings--would change the course of your day. That is where the stoy lies. Not in potato picking.

2) The oddness of the "frigid August sunshine" alludes to an uncommon milieu. We need to know where, if that is so. If it's not, you may want to rethink it.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 30, 2007).]

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

I thought that "After a few moments with her mouth gaping open like the Grand Canyon before it collapsed" meant that the Grand Canyon has collapsed sometime before this story, your POV character knew what the Grand Canyon looked like before it collapse, and she's comparing her mouth to what the Grand Canyon used to look like before that event happened. Which seems a complicated way to describe a scene since the recent history of the Grand Canyon doesn't seem relevant at this point.

I guess some people are reading it as her mouth gaped open like the Grand Canyon and the her mouth collapsed. If that's what you really meant, then also know that a collapsed mouth makes me think of a mouth with broken bones and teeth, not a mouth that suddenly closes.

Just how one person is reading it.

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

If my 'first hook' looked like that, I'd be sleeping under Kipling's portrait by now. There are mistakes; grammar, usage and tense but I'd give it a look-see.

[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited December 01, 2007).]

Posted by Bowiemom400 (Member # 7279) on :

Thanks to all for taking the time to comment... it's appreciated.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I thought this was a nifty concept, seems like you have a lot of fun ideas converging. I concur with other posters, there are a few grammatical things to clean up. I also suggest you think about what elements of world-building you want to insert into this first part of the story. It can be a challenge to balance it all, but it sounds like the story takes place in a post-apocalypse future (ha ha, see my post on same concept! it's the week for apocalyptic stories.)

There are probably ways to do this, tease at the world your character lives in, that are a little more subtle than the character thinking about august heat. Plus, just a plausibility point, if it's frigid in august and she's getting a basket to pick potatoes, and has just picked green beans, does she have a greenhouse? Potatoes in cold weather, OK, green beans, not so much. They die w/frost. At least the ones in my yard do. Actually, they die much earlier than frost since they peak in July/early Aug and frost doesn't hit here until early/mid Oct. But I digress.

What are you looking for from here? Do you have a finished story? Would you like critiquers for the whole thing? If so, just let us know the length and any warnings (warnings: bad language, graphic sex or violence, that sort of thing.) I'm sure you can find some readers. Good luck!

Posted by leodinas (Member # 7333) on :

I am curious as to why this alien doesn't phase Georgia. If she saw a baby child there I am sure she would have reacted the same in initial shock. Instead she merely picks up the potatoes and moves on in her daily routine. What exactly has Georgia witnessed in life that would render her perception of an alien in her barn as moot?

I guess this makes me interested.

Also, I agree with everyone else who thinks the Grand Canyon is out of place.

Posted by bigdawgpoet (Member # 7046) on :

Definitely interesting. I have some comment to make, but I would like it if you would send me whatever you have finished first, so I can take a better look.

Well done!!

~Ben (bigdawgpoet)

Posted by Bowiemom400 (Member # 7279) on :

Thanks for all the feedback... it's been very helpful.
I'm still trying to finish the story... but as soon as it's done... I'll forward to those who requested a copy.