After being away for a very long time, I've returned. Don't remember me? No worries. I wouldn't remember me either
Anyway, I'm working on something that I think I can actually get serious about finishing and submitting to a magazine (ASF?). I've read a LOT more Asimov since I last posted here (He's now my favorite author, and biggest inspiration) and this one's a bit of a tribute to him. No three laws, but it IS a robot story.
I'm at about 1,300 words right now, and although the story can go on for quite a while, I'm probably going to end it around 2-3,000 words. Gotta leave somewhere to go. It's called "Hello" and it's more of a shallow fun kind of story than anything too serious.
=== “Hello,” said Dr. Martin… Nothing. “Hello,” he repeated. He paused, once more baffled. Still nothing. He tried a different approach. “Greetings,” he said, “I am Dr. Hugo Martin.” He waited once more, but again there was nothing. A man knocked on the door. “Come in,” Martin said, shaking his head in dismay. “Hello, Dr. Martin,” said the man as he entered. “Hello, Dr. Victor,” said Dr. Martin, briefly glancing at his entering colleague. “Still nothing?” “I just don’t know why he won’t respond. He’s making eye contact, diagnostics of his vocal mechanisms all come back with nothing, and I just don’t know what it could be!” === (btw, that IS about 13 lines in Word )
Note from Kathleen Dalton Woodbury: We don't go by MICROSOFT on line count. It has to be 13 lines in 12-point courier font.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 28, 2007).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Interesting, but I think you need to tell us in the first line who, or what, he's talking to. I had many different scenarios working through my mind, from whether he's testing a mike, recording equipment, speaking on a telephone, or trying to get a reaction from a conference. I don't think this sort of confusion is conducive to my being pulled into your story.
Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :
I think some details about the thing would be good, too.
The last line:
quote:The two walked out the door, leaving their little experiment locked inside.
...in particular feels like you are intentionally witholding when you don't need to.
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
Well, the next few paragraphs are a conversation between the two scientists about the experiment. The purpose of the 13 lines is to ask the question, "Do these 13 make me want to read the rest," and I think the mystery plus the promise of answers would make the answer "yes".
Basically what I'm saying is: There IS clarification coming, but do you want it?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Then the answer is "no". I think you might lose me by the first couple lines as I grew frustrated and didn't trust your writing. There's a difference between creating suspense and withholding information, one I'm still struggling with. In this case, the context is not clear--your character clearly knows and sees what he's talking to. To withhold it seems contrived and creates confusion. I'm not going to read on just to find out what he's talking to.
If you showed us what he's talking to right off the bat, you'd give us a whole 'nother reason for reading--why is he talking to it and why isn't it responding? it would be for the answer to these questions that I'd read on. But there's no point in just making the situation unclear. You have to give me a reason to care about the doctor and his inanimate object, and just making me guess what's going on isn't going to do it.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 28, 2007).]
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
How about something like this:
“Hello,” said Dr. Martin… Nothing. “Hello,” he repeated. He paused, once more baffled. Still nothing. He tried a different approach. “Greetings,” he said, “I am Dr. Hugo Martin.” He waited once more but again, the android said nothing. A man knocked on the door. “Come in,” Martin said, shaking his head in dismay. “Hello, Dr. Martin,” said the man as he entered. “Hello, Dr. Victor,” said Dr. Martin, briefly glancing at his entering colleague. “Still nothing?” “I just don’t know why he won’t respond. He’s making eye contact, diagnostics of his vocal mechanisms all come back with nothing, and I just don’t know what it could be!” ===
It's simple enough, but does it seem forced?
[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited November 28, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 28, 2007).]
Posted by JFLewis (Member # 6957) on :
The second version works much better.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
IMHO, there is only one word worth saving in the first six lines: android. All the room entrance and introductions add little to the drama that you want to build up quickly. The names can be added along the way. Here are your last six lines, slightly modified. (BTW, you use "Dr. Martin" for one character and "Martin" (first name) for another in your text.) BTW, professional coworkers don't refer to each other as Dr. So-and-so; they're on a first-name basis, generally.
“I don’t know why the android won’t respond," said Dr. Martin. "He’s making eye contact. Diagnostics of his vocal mechanisms all come back with no problem found.” “Well, Martin (Victor?), this isn’t exactly explored territory. There are no more tests to be done, so it’s really a matter of thinking it out. And we can do that anywhere. . . like lunch.” The two walked out the door, leaving their little experiment locked inside.
There is not much drama here, either, but at least you can jump right into it, whatever it is: As soon as the two doctors/scientists left, the android called home to his mother planet.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited November 28, 2007).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I agree, the second version is better. I still think you wait too long to tell us what he's talking to. The result is an image of a guy just sort of talking into the open air. Not a very compelling image.
I like the dialogue set up, though I see that it's not necessary. I would, however, cut the "hello" introduction for the two doctors--that just seemed a bit slow, and a little odd since Dr. Martin was just saying hello to the android.
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
Well, the name of the story is "Hello" and it's kinda important for later on...
Speaking of...
Anyone want more?
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
I could do with a bit more of a taste...
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
Sent from alex_reichard@hotmail.com.
Posted by nathan118 (Member # 7052) on :
Here's my take.
“Hello,” said Dr. Martin… Nothing. (the ellipses is strange. I'd replace 'Nothing' with 'There was no response.) “Hello,” he repeated. He paused, once more baffled. Still nothing. He tried a different approach. “Greetings,” he said, “I am Dr. Hugo Martin.” He waited once more but again, the android said nothing. A man knocked on the door. (How does he know what's on the other side of the door? POV problem. Perhaps just 'there was a knock at the door.') “Come in,” Martin (he) said, shaking his head in dismay. “Hello, Dr. Martin,” said the man as he entered. “Hello, Dr. Victor,” said Dr. Martin, briefly glancing at his entering colleague. (All the doctor introductions and names and repeated "hello" jumble together. I'm assuming the robot will be learing the word 'hello', but here it sounds strange.) “Still nothing?” “I just don’t know why he won’t respond. He’s making eye contact, diagnostics of his vocal mechanisms all come back with nothing, (Like someone else said, the diagonistics came back 'without a problem' sounds better than 'with nothing.') and I just don’t know what it could be!”
I like where it's going though with the robot work.
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
I agree with some of your suggestions, but a little nitpicking about your nitpicking ( ) :
Martin (he) said. The "Martin" is necessary as it wasn't the person on the other side of the door.
But as for the ellipses (bad habit of mine...) and "A man knocked" things, thanks. Will do.
Posted by nathan118 (Member # 7052) on :
If you don't violate POV, then the clarification of "Martin" isn't needed, and a "he" will do just fine.
I'm far from an expert, and those are only my suggestions. You can take them or leave them. The part that I love about this critiquing exercise is that it lets you see things in a different light. You don't need to tell me it's nit-picking, just ignore it.
)