Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Monumental

This is topic Monumental in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by jaycloomis (Member # 7193) on :

It's an idea for a short story about China's dominance over every other nation in the world. After the war, the new Emperor forces the millions of prisoners to begin construction on a great wall, all the way around China's borders as high as the eye can see -- with human bodies as the mortar.

"The only thing that separates us from them is that we came out the winners." Captain Hsin stood, arms crossed behind his back, gazing out the broad observation windows.
"Look there, at that one." His voice nearly a whisper, he pointed to an area on the grounds below us. I looked down into the labor yard, and saw what he was pointing at: a thin, dirty man struggling to lift the mangeled corpse of one of his fellows, and throw it into the mortar.
"The emperor says we need to pick up construction, Lee. Why aren't you down there taking care of that?" His voice was stern suddenly, and he turned to look at me.
I glanced out at the man again. He managed to dump the body into the the mortar, and the stirring machines whisked it away into the grey-red mixture.

[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 24, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

You tell us the idea, and then give the idea in the opening of the story. Now what? Where is the sympathetic character with a problem?

Compare the following sentences, first your version, then my suggestion:

A: "The only thing that separates us from them is that we came out the winners."
B: "The only thing that separates us from them is that we won."

A: "Look there at that one."
B: "Look at that."

A: "I looked down into the labor yard, and saw what he was pointing at: a thin, dirty man..."
B: "I looked down into the labor yard and saw a thin, dirty man..."

A: "I glanced out at the man again."
B: "I glanced down."

Rule #1: Omit unnecessary words.

Also, unless the Captain is Mr. Fantastic, he cannot cross his arms behind his back.

Rule #2: Picture what you write.

Good luck.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Also avoid indefinites. It is a weakness of mine to sometimes not quite spot most of them.

quote:
His voice (was)(nearly-cut) a whisper, he pointed to (an area on--cut) the grounds below us

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 24, 2007).]

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

I like the image of bodies in the mortar--bulding the nation on the bodies.
I'd think you'll want play with that and find 'clever' ways to describe that every time it comes up. Use "bodies into the mortar" exactly once--and not at first: my suggestion.
Yeah 'arms akimbo' seems little more appropriate.
Try looking up 'Systemic Shock' by Dean Ing. I think you might get inspired.

Posted by jaycloomis (Member # 7193) on :

Thanks much for the pointers Rick and Adam (that's your name right skadder?) This was really a throw-together, I wanted to start work on a short story but was short on ideas. This is the revised version of the first thirteen. Let me know what you think.

"The only thing that separates us from them is that we won the war." Captain Hsin stood gazing out the broad observation windows.
"Look at that one." His voice quiet, he pointed to the grounds below us. I looked down into the labor yard and saw a thin, dirty man struggling to lift the mangeled corpse of one of his fellows, and throw it into the mortar.
"The emperor says we need to pick up construction, Lee. Why aren't you down there taking care of that?" My heart lerched. I couldn't bring myself to go down there and crack the whip.
I glanced down again. The man managed to dump the body into the the mortar, and the stirring machines whisked it away into the grey-red mixture.

[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 24, 2007).]

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

He thinks:
I couldn't bring myself to go down there and crack the whip.
He says:
"Yes sir."
He does:
Cracks the whip.

Remember me=duality freak. Works with Adder, work it here. (:

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

What supraturtle said. There's your conflict. How does a soft-hearted man avoid winding up as part of the morter.