Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Errands

This is topic Errands - fantasy, 2200 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

Forgot to specify that this is contemporary fantasy. Also, please see revised version in my second post

Hi everyone,
This story is something of an experiment for me - it's more about a journey than anything else. So I'm curious, does the description work? Does it grab your attention and make you want to read on?
Thanks!

_____________________________________________________
She opened her eyes.
The salt spray stung her exposed skin as she pulled the hood of her cloak tighter around her face, her only protection against fury of the waves that slowly wore away the tiny rocky island. Leaning against the wind, she tilted her head up and appraised the position of the moon. Thick dark clouds slipped across the sky, obscuring her vision, but she could still see that the moon had not quite reached its zenith. She shouldered her pack and waited.
Another large rain cloud moved across the moon. When it pulled away, the moon was directly overhead, illuminating the pool at her feet to a glowing aqua. She slipped off her cloak and shoved it into her pack. Clothed only in her wetsuit, she dove..

[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited November 15, 2007).]

Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

I usually like to see the character's name or proper noun in the beginning sentence rather than simply "she, it, he, The something" without being introduced to it earlier.

It seems to me that the moon plays an important role in this, so I'd probably read on just to see what its significance is. If it didn't have significance and was only description, then I'd probably lose interest unless something else happened that would hold my attention.

Is the pool really glowing (like magic) or was it simply the illumination from the moon? I can see it both ways from the description. (Perhaps if I didn't know it was fantasy, I would have thought it was just the light from the moon shining in it).

The only thing that strikes me as odd is the "wet suit". The story seemed sort of mystical at first, so the wet suit seemed out of place for me. Perhaps it would be better if she was nude, unless of course it destroys the plot later.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I can handle the pov being a "he" or a "she" for a few paragraphs in the opening as long as the opening is intriguing.

However, there are worse problems bothering me here.

I’m sorry. This isn’t working for me. You have not introduced any element so far to rouse my curiosity or interest. I have no real feelings for her. She’s not in danger at the moment, it seems. You need to find a way into your story that has something unique about it. This description is more prosaic than elegant. No story is really started enough to draw me in.

Why have her opening her eyes at this point? Has she been asleep? Unconscious? Doesn’t seem so, so why mention it?

Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :

I agree with KP and arriki on a few points: I'm wondering if the moon plays a role, and also wondering about the glowing pool and the wet suit. But, like arriki, this isn't enough to entice me to read on and while this opener might translate nicely to cinema, in purely written format I have nothing to sink my teeth into, nothing to whet my appetite. I might like to see the action start a bit into the future, or whenever you can give us more of the 5 Ws.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Where does the wetsuit come from? At the beginning, whe's got nothing on but a cloak. She takes it off, and has nothing on but a wetsuit?

[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited November 14, 2007).]

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I think this is fine, but there is no grabber. Perhaps you could make it a little more compact so that the exciting thing that is about to happen next makes it into your first 13. Eg, you could mention the clouds only once instead of twice, you could remove "leaning against the wind", and "thick dark clouds slipped across the sky, obscuring her vision" could be changed to "clouds obscured her vision." It's a trade off of course, since it then becomes less vivid, but if you want to hook readers in the first 13 you might risk being a little terse at the very start to get a little more story/action in.

Nits:
"...she pulled the hood of her cloak tighter around her face, her only protection against...": This syntax makes it seem to me as if the face is the protection, but from context I assume you mean the cloak was.

"obscuring her vision": I would say "obscuring her view" is more accurate.

Are you looking for readers of the whole thing?

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

Okay, here's a revised first thirteen that addresses many of your comments... even if doesn't fix the overall problems. Thank you for all your feedback; you've all pointed out issues that hadn't even occured to me.

Also, as I said up top, I forgot to say that this is contemporary fantasy - thus the wetsuit.

And yes Jon, I am looking for readers, so if you wouldn't mind...

__________________________________________________________
Maia opened her eyes.
The salt spray stung her exposed skin as she pulled the hood of her cloak tighter. She winced at the fury of the waves as they slowly wore away at the tiny rocky island to which she had just transported. Maia tilted her head up and appraised the position of the moon. Dark clouds slipped across the sky, but she could still see that the moon had not yet reached its zenith. She shouldered her pack and waited. She would never obtain her prize without patience.
When the moon was directly overhead, it illuminated the pool at her feet to a glowing aqua. Maia slipped off her cloak and shoved it into her pack. Then, clothed only in her wetsuit, she dove into the pool.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

The second version is much better, IMHO. It is much better focused. Send and I'll read.
Jon.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Hey,

quote:
She would never obtain her prize without patience.

This feels like 'hook injection'. I really don't know how else to describe it. I'm not saying that is good or bad, but that line in particular comes off as forced.

Personally I see a lot of stories that start with people that are waiting. The main character is always standing on a cliff, rooftop, beach or mountain staring at the moon in some specific pose.

Hey, why not start when she actually is in the water? Past all the waiting, past the diving, when she just draws for air. You could even throw in some descriptions about the moon as it appears underwater and all that jazz. That might be a cool hook, starting the story with a person that is underwater.

Then again, I don't know the story and I don't know what I'm talking about.