Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Trapped (working title)

This is topic Trapped (working title) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

“W…will it hurt?” Hannah said in a small voice that barely crossed the damp cell.
Joshua looked up from the flagstone he had been using to sharpen the knife. The mote of elf-light spun a few feet higher to give him a view of the Hannah’s face.
“I don’t know.”
He looked down, away from her large brown eyes.
“I suppose it will – for a moment,” he continued. He tested the edge of the blade with his thumb “ – but I’ll try to do it quickly.”
The blade was razor-sharp. He carefully put it behind his back on the cold floor.
“And you are sure I will be able to come back?”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 25, 2007).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Good, but I don't get the transition from 'Hannah' to 'the Hannah' unless it's a typo. I'd certainly read on.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Yeah, it's a typo. I originally called her 'the girl', but I knew I would get stick for not naming her so I named her quickly before posting, but forgot to remove 'the'.

Sorry.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Very strong opening. Good luck with the story.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Well done. Some will want to read on because of the writing. Others will pass in spite of it because they don't want to know what happens. I have particular angst because of my young granddaughter named Hannah.

For a bit smoother read, I'd drop the "I don't know" sentence and combine the next two paragraphs into one.

I particularly like the image of the "mote of elf-light" spinning higher.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Nicely done indeed. A few nits:

"He looked down, away from her large brown eyes." This is redundant as if he looked down it was also away from her eyes. "He looked down from her large brown eyes." is a little more to the point.

Joshua could be a little more committal. - "...but I'll try to do it quickly." How about something like "I'll do it quickly."

"The lie seemed to close his throat." Somewhat passive. "His throat tightened at the lie."

"He carefully put it behind his back on the cold floor." This is a little confusing to me as his intent is obvious and I'm left wondering why he puts the knife on the floor. Or did he put it behind his back while he was standing on the cold floor? The sentence is awkward. Instead something like "He held the knife behind his back and stepped toweard her." is more direct and threatening - in my opinion.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited October 24, 2007).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Hi,

In terms og Joshua's non-committal replies -- he is an apprentice forced into a situation where he has to perform an extreme act -- he is very unsure of himself. If he was more committal it would flavour the piece differently.

Thanks you for the suggested changes, which I will bear in mind when I re-write the piece. I wrote a bit more of this intro, though only another five or so lines. I didn't want to go for 'direct and threatening' but something friendly yet awful.

Adam

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

I didn't think you were trying to convey something redundant, but it does seem like you want a little more than what is there. I suggest simply replacing "away" with "avoiding".

That simple change makes the line less of a stage direction and gives it more meaning. If Joshua is avoiding looking Hannah in the eye, we know he's lying and he's not proud of it. It's just one of those classic actions in writing (and life) that everyone understands. After telegraphing that to us, you can confirm our suspicions with the line about his throat closing around the lie, or you can be more subtle about his speech, knowing that you reader will have already picked up on it without needing you to spell it out.

I like that Joshua is uncertain and noncommital. I gathered from the first 13 that he either has no intention of reviving Hannah, and hates that he has made the decision to kill her for some other purpose, or that he intends to revive her, but has a great deal less confidence in his abilities than he is trying to convey to her. The uncertainty just works from that POV.

[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited October 25, 2007).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Yeah, I like 'avoiding'. It is meant to be a signal he is uncomfortable.

Posted by dienstag (Member # 5696) on :

Interesting. I'd definitely read more.