It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another.
It was Tuesday when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe.
“Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 26, 2007).]
quote:
It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another.
It was Tuesday[ you are being repetitive here choose 'it all started. . .' or 'it was tuesday' not both] when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe[ you could skip this part and move right into the dialogue].
“Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except she'll probably be telling me I should have used a meat cleaver, instead!”[ this is a very large chunk of dialogue, try breaking it up with mil's reaction to the information, or something else to further the story. The content is good though.]
quote:It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of (This doesn't seem necessary. Leave out "most of" and your sentence will retain the same meaning)the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another. (Is "in one way or another" really necessary? It adds no meaning.)
It was Tuesday when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe. (How about diving into the action right here? Don't just tell me Phoebe called. Show me Milly answering the phone. That way I'll feel more like I'm in the scene when Phoebe starts talking.)
“Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except (what is Milly doing during this conversation? Is this before, after, or during the surgery? Before, after, or during the meatloaf?)
Delete unnecessary words. Always, always, always.
What you've given us is a little narration, and then a piece of a conversation. I don't mind the first line - it sets a nice tone - but after that I want to dive into the action. Show me the scene. Make me experience Milly picking up the phone and feeling exasperated, annoyed, worried, or whatever she's feeling.
I like Phoebe's voice. You tell us a lot about the situation and characters (except Milly) in that one speech. Although it did throw me off that she identified herself. I never identify myself when I call my family.
Ben
A couple of small things:
I think 'the coffee's too light' would suit her frantic tone better, and maybe 'she'll have a big axe sticking out of her head' might sound better.
(I wondered about the axe thing, it seems an odd choice of weapon when she's been talking about kitchen things like toast and meatloaf, and a kitchen knife might be more natural.)
Cheers,
Pat
IAB, thanks again, you're a peach! - a very cool peach
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 26, 2007).]
Maybe there's a story there, too. All the internal daydreaming, torment, idle distractions, etc. that go on during an immensely important Meeting of the Bored.
(I got my copy thru email; thanks deb!)
Regards