The seas lashed at the starboard side of the Lioness, as if trying desperately to grab hold of her and pull the 98 gun vessel under. Ropes lashed wildly and whipped past the stoic figure that gripped the ship’s wheel. Lightning flashed. It showed the grim determination that lined Captain Radley’s mouth, as he defied the maelstrom. His eyes were wide, as if -– in his madness -- he could stare down Poseidon. Though Johnny Brine was only sixteen, he alone stood the deck with his captain. Only he knew the powerful sway which the crystal skull held over the captain. Only he could do what must be done.

The other, more experienced sailors traversed through the rigging like monkeys in the jungle canopy. Even in the fury of the storm, they were fearless. They snapped to and swiftly...

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 21, 2007).]
 

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The seas lashed at the starboard side of the Lioness, as if trying desperately to grab hold of her I'd remove "of her" and see how it reads then. Feels heavy. and pull the 98 gun vessel under. 98 guns! Woot! Ropes lashed lashed appears twice in two consecutive sentences wildly I suggest a comma here and whipped past the stoic figure that gripped the ship’s wheel. Lightning flashed. I'm a fan of short sentences. It showed the grim determination that lined Captain Radley’s mouth, as he defied the maelstrom. His eyes were wide, as if -– in his madness -- he could stare down Poseidon. Though Johnny Brine was only sixteen, he alone stood the deck with his captain. Only he knew the powerful sway which the crystal skull held over the captain. Only he the captain or Johnny? could do what must be done.What must be done?

The other, more experienced sailors traversed through the rigging like monkeys in the jungle canopy. Even in the fury of the storm,I think you could trim this first part of the sentence they were fearless. They snapped to and swiftly...

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The seas lashed at the starboard side of the Lioness, as if trying desperately to grab hold of her and pull the 98 gun vessel(1) under. Ropes lashed wildly and whipped past the stoic figure that gripped the ship’s wheel. Lightning flashed. It showed the grim determination(2) that lined Captain Radley’s mouth, as he defied the maelstrom. His eyes were wide, as if -– in his madness -- he could stare down Poseidon(3). Though Johnny Brine was only sixteen, he alone stood the deck with his captain. Only he knew the powerful sway which the crystal skull held over the captain(4). Only he could do what must be done.

The other, more experienced sailors traversed(5) through the rigging like monkeys in the jungle canopy. Even in the fury of the storm, they were fearless. They snapped to and swiftly(6)...

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1. I'd keep this numerical detail until later - it feels out of place here, so early in the story. Maybe stick with the type of vessel first, speak about her wooden construction, maybe name the class of vessel if you know what you have in mind. 98 guns sounds bigger than just a sloop.

2. I don't want to get into a showing vs. telling battle here, but in my opinion, show his determination through another character detail. You've got the wide-eyed stare in the next sentence. How about just the thin-line of his lips, or the jut of his chin. This is just my taste.

3. This isn't a critique, but a compliment: that's a freakin' awesome line, dude!

4. You said the captain twice in two sentences. It feels a little cumbersome. Maybe reword this section?

5. This is a pretty minor point. When I think of traversed, I think of a climber ona cliff, working his way across a solid surface. For ropes, maybe something along the lines of clambered?

6. An adverb? Talk about an anti-climactic endind to a very solid first 13!

Jayson Merryfield

[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited September 21, 2007).]
 

I know a little of old ships and that would be a huge ship. I didn't say anything, because it's speculative. I assumed that's what you wanted, a huge ship, but few historical ships carried that many, from what I remember. (Size of the guns also matters, too.)
 

Nice orienting me in the setting. I suspect this is another Character or Mileu rather than Events story. It's a bit heavy bit some trimming is all it really seems to need. Most of the comments are nits or cutting.

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The seas lashed at the starboard side <- just the one side? TMI of the Lioness, as if trying desperately AHH! It's an -ly word. I don't think you need it. to grab hold of her < -- "of her" is probably not needed and pull the 98 gun Darn, that's one big ship vessel under. Ropes lashed wildly "lashed wildly" can probably be cut since whipped gives the same image whipped past the stoic figure Captain that gripped the ship’s wheel. Lightning flashed. It showed m'b combine these - "showing . . " the grim determination that lined Captain Radley’s mouth, as he defied the maelstrom. could probably do without the stuff after "mouth." His eyes were wide, as if -– in his madness -- he could stare down Poseidon. OHHH, I like this. Nice detail. Though Johnny Brine was only sixteen, he alone stood the deck with his captain. Only he knew the powerful sway which the crystal skull held over the captain. Only he who? Right now it's the Captain could do what must be done What? I might cut this part - the crystal skull and the writing have hooked me. .

The other, more experienced sailors traversed through the rigging like monkeys in the jungle canopy. Even in the fury of the storm, they were fearless. you can probably lose the first part. I know it's a dark and stormy night (at sea) already. They snapped to and swiftly...

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I'd read on. Feel free to ship this my way when you are ready.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 21, 2007).]
 

I thought the first three lines did a great job introducing the setting, but it introduced the characters in a very passive way, and without being firmly grounded in POV. It's not until halfway through that we figure out the main character is Johny Brine.

However, the image successfully hooked me. Very "Treasure Island". I also loved the line "Only he knew what needed to be done." When you switch, then, to the sailors, I felt a little disappointed, since I thought we had finally settled down on Johnny, and instead the focus yanks away back to the rigging of the ship.

And yes, I'd like to read it, when you're done.
 

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The seas lashed at the starboard side of the Lioness, as if trying desperately to grab hold of her and pull the 98 gun vessel under. Ropes (lashed wildly and)don't need this, especially with the use of 'lashed' in previous sentence whipped past the stoic figure that gripped the ship’s wheel. Lightning flashed. It showed the grim determination that lined Captain Radley’s mouth omit comma as he defied the maelstrom. His eyes were wide, as if -– in his madness -- he could stare down Poseidon. Though Johnny Brine was only sixteen, he alone stood I'd replace this with 'he dared to stand' or 'he stood firm'. Age in itself did not seem related to why he was the only one there the deck with his captain. Only he knew the powerful sway which the crystal skull held over the captain. Only he could do what must be done.

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The crystal skull bit got me hooked. When you want reviewers, feel free to send it my way.
 

As to the adverbs: I usually try to cut them all, but in this piece, I feel they are necessary. Yes, it's an odd beginning, even odder as the thing progresses.

As to the 98 Gun ship, that was how they described ships-of-the-line in the Napoleonic Wars: 98 gun ships, 48 guns ships (aside from "Frigate", "Man-o-War", and "Flagship", the gun-count let you know how many gun-port to a side, and such...)

It's ready for full critiques. And, I have already seen some good points.

PS - Jayson, Traversed gives you the exact image that I intended. Oh, and this started out as a Liberty Hall, timed, flash fiction piece. I have a few raw examples that I can show you. They are complete -- beginning, middle, and end -- stories.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 21, 2007).]
 

I like the 98-gun reference. It says a lot about the size and style of ship - I picture multiple gun decks and tall, square rigging. I also picture the wind of the maelstrom, although that term is often used for disturbances of the water like whirlpools.

I have some trouble with two points: Even in those days, the captain rarely held the wheel himself. I'd expect a helmsman to be on the deck with the captain and Johny. The idea is that the helmsman can pay attention to keeping course while the captain decides what the course should be - and so many other things that draw a captain's attention.

The other point is that I doubt the men in the rigging are fearless. I get from the second paragraph that they are foolhardy. They may be skilled and strong but they probably follow the rule of one hand for the ship and one hand for yourself. That's a safety measure. Maybe later we'll find out that they're brave, but not foolhardy enough to swing like monkeys in a storm. Maybe it's just the simile.

"Only he knew the powerful sway" points to Johny as the POV character. "Only he could do what must be done" points to withholding. He knows what must be done, right? Should we?

The crystal skull is a good fantasy hook. That, combined with the sailing ship setting have me interested. I'll offer to read.

 

Here are my nitpicks (most have been pointed out already):

I also think 98 should be spelled out, and would get rid of "of her" in "trying to grab hold of her".
I would change "Lightning flashed. It showed..." to "Lightning flashed, showing...", and then maybe get rid of the comma after "Captain Radley's mouth" later in that sentence.

Although I don't say this often, I like the ambivalence of the POV. You anchor the POV by making him have the first definitive thoughts of the story: "Only he knew the powerful sway..."