Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster in the alley, waiting for the zombie horde to pass. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by. There must have been thirty of them moving down Second Avenue. They usually kept to the wide, straight streets once they gained critical mass, but sometimes they’d turn down alleys. And this one led to a dead end.
Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. Austin huddled on his other side, head in hands. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” Keith whispered, eyes mischievous. The butt of his Glock poked out of his waistband.
“Five.” Jimmy flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 17, 2007).]
I'd prefer breathe to "exhale", I think it would keep the tension better.
I was a little confused what "critical mass" meant, is that what they call it when the zombies gather in such large groups?
I know I read the original, but if you want me to take a look at the rewrite feel free to send it my way.
Edited to say: Er, I just thought of something that I think needs to be changed, so I'll send it along shortly.
Also, I guess I should mention, it does have gore and quite a bit of cussing... so if that sort of thing bothers you, you might not want to read.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 18, 2007).]
quote:
Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster in the alley, waiting for the zombie horde to pass. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by. There must have been thirty of them moving down Second Avenue. They usually kept to the wide, straight streets once they gained critical mass, but sometimes they’d turn down alleys. And this one led to a dead end.Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. Austin huddled on his other side, head in hands. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” Keith whispered, eyes mischievous. The butt of his Glock poked out of his waistband.
I think that paragraph should be broken up. It has Keith's actions, Austin's actions, and dialogue. Who spoke there? It might be clearer if the dialogue began a new paragraph.
quote:
“Five.” Jimmy flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in
I'm still not sure why the flipping off occurred, or the punch in return. It seemed a rather tense scene, now they're playing around. It betrays the tension that grew before this. I'm hooked enough at this point to read on and find out.
I like the tone and the tension. Everyone loves a well-told zombie story with good characters. They're in a dead-end alley, so we know the zombies won't just slip past and be forgot.