This is the first 13 of a fantasy novel with only four chapters complete. What was in a name? For Jason it was one full measure of the tastes of shame. It began with the sweet, guilty shame of knowing that of all the dragons, he alone bore evidence of having parents; or someone who loved him enough to name him before he was hatched. His name bound him to a previous generation, and it was this connection that soured the sweet, distancing him further from his kin. Such traditions and connections were the habits of men, not dragons. In the company of the other dragons the bitter shame of envy flowed through him. They were named not before their hatching by an unknown, but since their hatching and by their peers. They were all called by their deeds, or their positions, or some personal trait that endeared them to the others. In this way,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I find it puzzling and intriguing that he could be named by someone and not know who. I'd be delighted to read - we're moving this week coming up and I'm not sure what that's going to do to my reading time, but if you're not in a rush . . .
Oh, yeah -this is the short stories section.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 03, 2007).]
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
quote:What was in a name?
After mulling this over, I suggest "What's in a name?". Yes, your story is in past tense, but you're refering to an old cliché. In this case, the cliché works, but there's nothing worse than a distorted cliché.
quote:It began with the sweet, guilty shame of knowing that of all the dragons, he alone bore evidence of having parents; or someone who loved him enough to name him before he was hatched.
Don't quite get the semi-colon there, but then again I'm in an anti-semicolon phase.
quote:His name bound him to a previous generation, and it was this connection that soured the sweet, distancing him further from his kin. Such traditions and connections were the habits of men, not dragons.
"Soured the sweet" exemplifies a problem in these thirteen: mushy but vague adjectifying. "Sweet shame" (what is this?), "guilty shame" (why? it's not his fault) "soured the sweet", "bitter shame" So much sweet can make a dragon diabetic. In addition most of these pairs of words are clichés. Second, if an adjective doesn't add real meaning to a story, cut it. I suggest taking out three of the four I've pointed out and modifying the one you leave to mean something really juicy.
Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :
quote:What was in a name? For Jason it was one full measure of the tastes of shame
This jumped out at me because it rhymes. I thought for a second I was reading a poem.
quote:For Jason it was one full measure of the tastes of shame. It began with the sweet, guilty shame of knowing that of all the dragons, he alone bore evidence of having parents;
So not to have the repeat of shame, I'd suggest: It began with the sweet shame of knowing.
quote:His name bound him to a previous generation, and it was this connection that soured the sweet, distanc[ing]ed him further from his kin
There's a quality to this writing that I like, I'll look over a chapter if you want readers.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited September 03, 2007).]
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
And such a common, human name at that.
If Jason didn't know who named him, how does he know of the name? If parents placed that name on an unhatched egg and left before it hatched, who told Jason? It's a male name. How did the parents know he was a he? The story starts with the explanation of dragon naming convention, how Jason breaks that convention and the resulting envy/shame. I'd be expecting a flashback or infodump from an old mentor to explain how it happened. I think the great hook of the first 13 would be broken if the explanation was inserted too soon.
I'll agree that "What's in a name?" fits. That's almost what I read anyway. One difficulty with the class of 'improper' contractions that makes them improper is that tense is ambiguous. "What's" can stand for "What is," "What has" or for "What was." I think you can use the ambiguity to have "What's" mean what you want here.
"reinforce the bond that drew them all together." -- Is Jason an outcast? The first 13 don't say so, but it's a likely conclusion. That's the conflict, other than the normally hard life of dragons.
Posted by SleepingMarine (Member # 6264) on :
Wow! I didn't expect such feedback so quickly. I really appreciate it. Of course I began with "What's in a name?" and changed it after reading some of the tips on this site about glaring tense changes. I agree with you and will change it back. I did not know this was just a short story section. Guess I leapt before I looked. I am paring down the first chapter and will try to send it to those who asked for it today.