Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Church of the Bitter Raygun

This is topic Church of the Bitter Raygun in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002706

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Post-nuclear society, humorous. I'm thinking it will end up as another short - between three and four thousand words.

We started out as two separate congregations: The Temple of the Just Desserts, and the Church of Books on Tape. But when part of the ceiling collapsed above us, leaving both chambers debris filled and difficult to navigate, we had little choice but to leave the lofty heights of the Sales on Four Floor and look for a new church deeper in the bowels of the building where the mutated kudzoo vine prohibited earlier settlers from finding sanctuary.
It was Tiramisu that uncovered the sign “B TTER RAYGUNS”. She looked at me uncertainly. Macheted kudzoo vines lay around her up to her knees. “What does this mean, Oh Lord of the R. . ."
Before she could finish her question, there was a blinding

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

Love it. It has the makings of a very entertaining spoof. I love the names, particularly. Tiramisu, the two congregation names - love it. Kudzoo vines reminds me of the post-apocalyptic computer game Alphaman, so I am expecting some Kudzoo fruit doing something strange later on. When you finish, sent it here.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I love it too, although the sentence beginning 'But when part ...' left me a bit out of breath.

I'd like to read it although there will be a delayed response of a few days due to other stuff to read.

Breathlessly,
Pat

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

Hi deb, I agree that sentance But when... is a little long but I would love to read this story. Please send it my way when finished.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

As a member of the Church of Pot Luck Suppers, I am extremely offended by this thinly veil attack on us. But I'll read it anyway, when you're done with it. Bless you (grumble grumble).

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I'm currently a member of the Temple of the Moving Van, so please be patient. Wouldbe, I apologize in advance for my sins. I'm currently offering sacrifices to the Gods of DSL, and praying fragrant prayers that our service will be not interrupted.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 02, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Moving. Oh, dear. Three moves = one fire in the damage they do. Are you leaving Arizona?

I, too, liked the opening. Since nobody else has done a word by word, I'll do one.

We started out as two separate congregations: The Temple of the Just Desserts, and the Church of Books on Tape. But when part of the ceiling collapsed above us, leaving both chambers xxxdebrisx xxxfilledx ((filled with debris)) and difficult to navigate, we had little choice but to ((move.)) xxxleavex ((We abandoned)) the lofty heights of xxxthex Sales on Four xxxFloorx and look(ed) for a new church deeper in the bowels of the building(,) where the mutated kudzoo vine prohibited earlier settlers from finding sanctuary.
It was Tiramisu xxxthatx (who) uncovered the sign “B TTER RAYGUNS”. She looked at me uncertainly. Macheted kudzoo vines lay around her up to her knees. “What does this mean, Oh Lord of the R. . ."
Before she could finish her question, there was a blinding flash of purple light. For a moment spots danced luridly in front of my eyes, and I had to shake my head to clear my

Are both churches moving, or just one? I don't think "Macheted" really works as a verb. Is "kudzoo" instead of "kudzu" intentional?

I'd like to read it when it's done.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I'll send it to you, Rick. it's only 1700 words. The kudzoo is part of a general lingual drift, and macheted is not a term found in the dictionary. I conjugated it myself. I couldn't figure out the xxxs, but since this is so short, I'll just send as is and await your comments in text. Thanks for offering!

And, no, we're not moving out of Arizona, just across town. Our adjustable rate mortgage shot up just about the same time Chuck had a heart attack, and I am surrendering. We're moving into a rental for a while so we can lick our financial wounds and regroup. Anybody want a goat?

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 02, 2007).]

Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :

This does sound fun. I'll read and comment if you want.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

I like this, but the writing feels jumbled. Having read 90% of Terry Pratchett's lifelong output, I cannot help but sympathise: even he gets jumbled and wacky when the funny action happens, leaving the reader laughing because of what the characters did but also because the writer conned them out of an ending. Dunno if that's deliberate on his part.

Anyway.

We started out as two separate congregations: The Temple of the Just Desserts, and the Church of Books on Tape.

quote:
But when part of the ceiling collapsed above us, leaving both chambers debris filled and difficult to navigate, we had little choice but to leave the lofty heights of the Sales on Four Floor and look for a new church deeper in the bowels of the building where the mutated kudzoo vine prohibited earlier settlers from finding sanctuary.

Long phrase. Chop chop? I'd cut it up into two or three pieces.
The other parts are fine, but that phrase really threw me out of the story.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Books on tape don't work for me, so can I pick the Temple of the Just Desserts? That one sounds yummy.

I gather that the whole community of multiple 'churches' is in one building. Kudzu on steroids has invaded some of the building and keeps people out until they hack their way in with a machete. Kudzu is deserving of so much worse, but I'll go with the machete for now. My problem is that the plant is growing inside the building. What does it use for sunlight? The vine takes a few long runs until it finds light, then it spreads out and covers the top of whatever it's growing on. A mutation that changed that basic growing nature of plants, vines in particular, needs to be explained more. If the mutation goes that far, I wouldn't trust the chopped pieces around my knees.

Good luck with the move, Deb.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

ceiling over the atrium has caved in

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Good luck with your move. For six years, now, the federal government has been doing everything it can to shift the bulk of the wealth from the working class to the idle rich, and people are starting to suffer as a result.

Don't let them get your goat!

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

Thought it was spelled kudzu, so googled kudzoo - amusing.

http://www.yahoolavista.com/kudzoo/index.html

So, the language has already drifted.

I'd be interested to read when you have this done. Good luck with the move!

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

I'd love to read this, too. It smacks of bizarro fiction, too, so you may have a buyer in that area.

I currently have a few other crits to finish, I think, so I may be a while, but I'll get something back to you.

Adam
xxx