Crystal Oil
__________________________________________________________
"Energy crisis," bawled Professor Matheson, "that’s what I call it, an energy crisis."
I glanced around the tavern, afraid lest anyone else was listening. An open fire dominated the central wall, giving light and warmth to fend off the gray drizzle that slinked through the oak doorway. Three oil lamps were hung above the tables, lighting several small groups in quiet conversation. I turned back to Matheson with a sense of dread - his alcohol-tainted moods required a humble student - me. Still, at least he hadn't co-opted an adjacent table into the fray.
"Surely it’s not sufficient to warrant the status of a crisis," I said, expressing just the right mix of skepticism and veneration. I braced myself for the inevitable exposition.
How does a fire fend off drizzle? This confused me, maybe a fire would provide warmth against a cold, miserable day but protect someone from the rain? In that same sentence you have drizzle slinking (moving furtively or guiltily) through an oak doorway. I found it hard to imagine drizzle moving like this, and wouldn't somebody have shut the door instead of looking to the fire for protection?
I think somebody in a thread a while back said "lest" was only said by lawyers these days and I'd have to agree with them, it really stands out in a story and somehow doesn't ring true.
"I turned back to Matheson with a sense of dread - his alcohol-tainted moods required a humble student - me." - You mean drunken moods? And required a humble student - to do what? I think you mean listen to him rant, but this just seemed like an incomplete sentence to me.
You start off with the fire lighting the room and then in a later sentence you add some oil lamps to provide more light on some quiet conversations that seem irrelevant to the story which just seems like filler to me, you could have used this space to add more to the hook here.
"I said, expressing just the right mix of skepticism and veneration." - Here I imagine somebody pausing after speaking to congratulate himself on sucking up which makes the MC annoying to me.
As for a hook, there's an energy crisis and I'm not sure when the story is set, I'd probably read on a little to find out which direction the story is going to go, but I'd need to know more real soon.
Oh, and I'll read the whole thing if you like.
The highbrow dialog does show distinct voices. Your POV character's voice is carried into the narrative as well. I think the voice serves a purpose as you intend. There is a cost, though. The reader has to work to understand your meaning through all the big words. Skepticism, veneration, inevitable and exposition aren't bad terms. They didn't stop me, but when used together like that, they slowed my reading - they broke the flow. Your concern is whether readers will go through that much work to keep reading.
Technical:
'Still' and 'at least' struck me as overkill when used together.
If the setting is historical, was the term 'co-opted' used in that sense by that time?
As to whether it's too highbrow, that will depend on where the story's going. If it's truly in character, why not? It's a while since I visited Oxford so if you get any of the local colour wrong, here's one Englishman who won't notice! I can't see it as a problem, indeed, if you can use the local colour and atmosphere and be true to the city past, present or future, I think that would be grand.
I'll read.
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited August 26, 2007).]
One thing I learned living in America was that you guys have kept bits of the English language that we English have dropped. I thought that was something of a surprise; _we're_ supposed to be the old fashioned ones, not you guys. My favourite was 'gotten', a useful little word that's gotten itself lost on this side of the pond.
I do think there is a breed of pompous professor who uses quaint English in order to sound more edumacated that he actually is, so Brendan's highbrow voice might work. Mind, it might sound a bit odd for the student unless said student is trying to ingratiate himself with said professor.
Cheers,
Pat
quote:
well, I'm thinking it's about time Brendan popped back in and straightens us all out, eh?
Thanks for your feedback. It is an historic setting, about 1860s. "Co-opted" good call - making nouns into verbs is a more recent phenomena, so that will have to go. "Energy crisis", on the other hand, is being coined by the professor , and is the key issue of the story. This becomes clearer by about line 17, by mentioning that the lamps burn whale oil.
The science fiction element is posing the question of what would have happened if someone had discovered some more modern (1970s) science a century earlier. Given the science behind it, there is no reason why it couldn't have been discovered - although it goes under a less poetic name than crystal oil, these days (methyl-hydrates).
I'll take up the offers to read, the comments so far are very useful. I think I may have to hack some of the long words out to make it an easier read (thanks Jeff), but not too many, as I do like them being "educamated".
Any thought as to where a market exists for this? I originally wrote it for a magazine that specialised in historical science fiction, but that closed its doors before I had gotten too far.