Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Compassion Cycle

This is topic Compassion Cycle in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Klynt cursed the stare of the little girl with the long blonde hair. Her large round eyes followed him everywhere as he moved around the auto-cafe. _She'll attract attention to me._
Seated at a table with an empty meal box, he tried to look as if he was eating. He spotted a woman getting ready to leave. _Good, she's left some and she looks clean._ Moving quickly as she left, Klynt adopted her table and the remains of her meal.
On the other side of the cafe, the little blonde girl had watched his move with a smile. Was she pleased he'd avoided detection? -- Or hoping that Security would eject him? Sooner or later they would, of course; he couldn't fool the cameras for ever. But he needed a decent meal before that.

This is a short SF story of 2700 words. I'd value comments on the first 13 and offers to read.

Thanks,
Pat

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I'm hooked. The two characters are interesting. The setting is interesting with the hint that the woman customer is "clean." I'd be happy to read it.

Minor suggestions:
...he tried to look as if he was [were] eating.
...for ever [forever]
But he needed a decent meal before that [then].

The little girl is describe somewhat repetitively.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

count me in, Pat!

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

This situation is very intriguing. Why is he wanting a meal without paying? Why does he want a clean person's leftovers? Why is he wanting to be invisible? Is the MC an animal? I'm hooked.

Put me down for a read, if you want.

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited August 26, 2007).]

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Good use of the MC's thoughts for a close, deep POV. Conflict is implicit in the apparent poverty. There isn't much of scifi or fantasy yet.

The circumstances and the large-eyed girl have me hooked. I'll offer to read.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I'll read.

Why put thoughts between underlines instead of in quotes?

Note to Brendan: you've never been poor?

[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited August 26, 2007).]

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

quote:
Note to Brendan: you've never been poor?

Would living as a student, snatching sleep in a laboratory and working part time in a fast food outlet, count?

I hope I was not misleading with my questions. They are questions that the story set up that I would want to find the answer to (not necessarily straight away, and definitely not in the first thirteen). In other words, these questions are the hooks to me. They may not be sufficient to form a whole story on, and are most likely not the ultimate direction of the story. No problem, the purpose of the first 13 isn't always to set up the initial conflict - it is to keep the reader interested enough to turn the page.

quote:
Why put thoughts between underlines instead of in quotes?

That is a type setting method to indicate itallics. If you have the right settings, MSWord will put it in itallics for you

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited August 26, 2007).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Thanks a million for your encouragement and offers to read - it's on its way to those who kindly offered.

Brendan, your thoughts and questions are understood. These are indeed the small hooks that just get the story going, yet they also establish key characters and relationships, and Klynt's poor status.

No, Jeff, there's little scifi in the first 13, and I wondered about that. But to Klynt this is his world and it's his POV, so too much scifi detail would look like an infodump. I tried it in an earlier draft and it sucked. Instead I went with establishing key characters and relationships, Klynt's poorness and the cameras. The story is set in the very near future and this emerges, hopefully naturally, as the narrative continues.

Rick, I'm following formatting guidelines I found at Strange Horizons here: http://www.strangehorizons.com/guidelines/fiction-formatting-detail.shtml#Convert_To_Text

I kept the link to this guidance because it's easy to undertand and follow, and I'm assuming other mags are pretty much the same. Of course I'll check with the guidelines for the market I'm submitting to before doing so. I have noticed, however, that many writers use underlines instead of underscores to indicate italics.

I want italics rather than quotes to indicate MC's thoughts to avoid slowing the narrative down with 'he thought' tags.

Cheers, and thanks again,
Pat