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Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too. The flesh grew sick with the mind, until only the lightest footprints of a human being survived. So they grew for him the parts of a new body in their gardens of weird science and threaded him together with electricity and mojo. Bolted the pieces together, welded them, fused and melded them, on steel tables; under knives and lasers and complicated computers; using perfect mathematics and perfect pentagrams; unlocking the secrets of reality and fantasy in the place where they met. With the drugs they gave him for blood they bolted his mind back together too, as best they could. Recycled, the whole worked, even if the output was different.
But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first
I question a bit of the vague psychological literary bent taking place, though. "Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too. The flesh grew sick with the mind, until only the lightest footprints of a human being survived." What is this supposed to mean? Are you trying to say something important, like your MC went crazy before he died and was reborn? Or are you trying to make a point about the significant role the mind and body play with each other, only to have it obscured by much word-wrangling?
I also revolt against starting that last line with but. Your initial tone is more mature, but that but kind of takes a step back from that.
I don't know that these points are deal breakers - I'd certainly read on, and if the explaination of the mind issue is explained in the very near future, I might be able to live and let live. Just on the basis of these 13, though, I'd prefer a little more clairity.
Jayson Merryfield
Thanks for your comments. Yes, the 'mind' issue is a big part of the story. Basically, the MC has no memories when he awakens, and he is unsure who he is. I envisioned that he went mad first, then his body suffered because of this, until something unknown happened and he died. It's never revealed in the story who he is, what he did or why he went mad, but there are suggestions.
That last line runs onto:
'But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first time that he could remember, he nearly lost his mind again.'
I wanted to set the second paragraph up in contradiction to the promise of the first, for a little conflict.
Would you like me to send you the full story? The first half has been edited much more than the latter half, however, so it's really the last bit that needs the most work.
Jayson Merryfield
Anyway, I had similar confusions as Jayson. I didn't understand the second sentence at all. I like the concept of their patching him together with "electricity and mojo". I thought the rest of that para got a little repetitive.
I wondered about the "But" as well. It almost read like a little kid protesting, as in "but the ceiling is so _shiny!_" though I don't really know why I had such a strong reaction.
anyway, if you're looking for readers, send it my way!
All the above would have me reading on and wanting to know more.
I had no problem with the but at the beginning of the second paragraph but the second sentence did lose me a little.
quote:
Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too.
You're going for a bizzare way of explaining this which "matches" the state of the MC's mind. However, this may be looking for a weird way of saying something easy. How about: "His body cracked not long after his mind broke." It still has the weird poetic quality of your first sentence and it doesn't end in a clumsy preposition. Also, there's a simetry to the phrase that might be interesting.
quote:
So they grew for him the parts of a new body in their gardens of weird science and threaded him together with electricity and mojo.
I love the mojo part.
quote:
Bolted the pieces together, welded them, fused and melded them, on steel tables; under knives and lasers and complicated computers; using perfect mathematics and perfect pentagrams; unlocking the secrets of reality and fantasy in the place where they met.
quote:
Recycled, the whole worked, even if the output was different.
quote:
But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first
In general: you have complex language. It drags the reader in, but if the rest of the story is like this, it might be a bit hard to read. If you keep using these techniques to spice up the story here and there, it'll work better.
Hope that helped
"Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too."
and Sara's comment suggesting,
'How about: "His body cracked not long after his mind broke." It still has the weird poetic quality of your first sentence and it doesn't end in a clumsy preposition.'
'Too' is an adverb and it's ok at the end of the sentence. The Longman English Dictionary explicitly defines 'too' as "used at the end of a sentence or clause to mean 'also' ". Had it been a 'to' it would have been a preposition, and wrong.
(Although interestingly, the dictionary says that 'to' can be an adverb too: 'The wind blew the door to.')
Just to clarify,
Pat
Good luck!
Cheers