Many thousands of years before the flood, in a small fishing village by the sea, there lived two brothers, twins; Tiger and Ford were their names, and they were as different as night and day. Tiger was dark and wild, with curly black hair and a kind heart. Even as a small child, if he had two honeycakes, he would give them both away to a stranger. But if someone did him a wrong, he would lash out in a blind rage, and sometimes cause more harm than he intended. Ford was pale and humorless, with long blond hair and cold, blue eyes. He always demanded his due, and was a shrewd trader. But he was also a hard worker and he always kept his word. From the time they were old enough to wrestle, rolling on the floor as naked babes, the two brothers fought.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
nice clear picture of the twins, but no hook yet. Got Hook?
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I think the story of feuding twins has been done so often before (I love the Wars of Light and Shadow by Janny Wurts) that we really need something new to arouse the interest.
Here we have the dark haired, short tempered brother and the fair haired cold one. Seems a touch cliche to me. I think if you show us some indication of where this is going - why are the twins special? Then you could have a good hook here.
Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :
I have a similar complaint to those above. Opposing twins are common - what makes your pair special? I like how you are trying to make this sound like a fable or fairy tale. But if you have a different world or time, maybe tailor your introduction to fit in with your different culture.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I'm immediately thinking that the tale will be mythological, and will turn the page just to see where you go with it. I love this kind of stuff, though, and the slush reader may be less hooked.
This might be the kind of thing that you leave in, but edit pretty heavily to be able to fit something more hooky in.
I note that you say, "Many thousands of years before the flood," which leads me to think that this is introductory material. You might frame this in a tale told by a person in the present time of the story. (Might.)
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
The story got harder and harder to write as other stories were rejected, but I finally finished it. It came in at 3200 words. Anyone want to read and critique?
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
Oooh, oooh, over here.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
Throw me a copy too if you like, Rick. I've been wondering how this one turned out Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I'd be happy too, if you're not over-booked.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I'm always in Posted by Kevin (Member # 6195) on :
I'm interested in reading it also.
-kevin
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Many thanks for some very helpful advice. The story is now at Weird Tales.
