Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 of "Regn's Rain" a short fantasy story

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Posted by WetherbyOwl (Member # 4967) on :

This is the opening of a short fantasy story I wrote a little while ago. I'd love to hear some comments. The story itself is about 4500.If anybody wants to read it, just let me know. Enjoy!

*********************

It began with a raindrop. They say that no single raindrop believes it's responsible for the flood, and Regn certainly didn't mean to cause any trouble; not to the people, only to Fira. The flood itself was scarcely deep enough to cover the grassy knoll to the west. But Regn did cause it, and through it, wakened a far greater storm.

The day had begun simply enough. Regn was apprenticed to Terdom, the greatest wizard and mage in all the wind's twelve quarters. Terdom was very old, and it is said that he saw the light of the hundredth day in all the world. Though Terdom had come and gone with the passing of the ages, no mage or wizard had lived as long, or learned as much as Terdom.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

If you're going to begin the story with a metaphor in the first paragraph, then I think you should spell out the metaphor's meaning in the second. Regn did what to Fira? But I think you've over-milked the metaphor with the sentence beginning with "The flood itself was scarcely deep enough...."

As written, you introduce the MCs, but there is very little about the story. If you stop the metaphor sooner, you'll have at least three or four lines to pitch the story. (Your writeup was only 11 lines per Hatrack rules.)

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I would read on, though I'm not too keen on the name Regn, I had to pause for a moment to consider how it's pronounced.

You mention the name Terdum four times in that short second paragraph, maybe cut a couple of those out?

Looks interesting though, I'll read more if you like

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I love the first sentence, so simple.

I don't think raindrops have beliefs, even in fantasy worlds, do they? So I'd suggest something like 'They say that no single raindrop can be responsible for the flood ...'

I read this literally, not metaphorically, so I thought that Regn had actually caused a flood.

I suspect there's a tense problem. For me the first para would read better if it said, 'Regn certainly hadn't meant to cause trouble ...' and 'But Regn had caused it.'

Also, I think 'awakened' instead of 'wakened' would, um, sound better. I don't know what the word is, but the sentence would have a better ... beat? rhythm? meter?

The second para is comparatively disappointing. The first sentence introduces the thought of the start of the day, but the rest of the para is about Terdom. He sounds maybe interesting, although we're a bit distant from him in viewpoint. But for me the last sentence says nothing that has not already been said; I don't understand what 'Terdom had come and gone with the passing of ages' means.

Also, and maybe it's because I don't often read fantasy, I don't understand the difference between a wizard and a mage; according to my Oxford English dictionary they're pretty much the same thing. (Mage: noun archaic or literary a magician or learned person.)

Either way, Terdom is less of a hook for me than the raindrop and what Regn has been doing, and why.

All that said, I still love the first sentence ... and I wonder how it ends.

Pat

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I took it literally as well, and therefore wanted the second paragraph to follow up on that concept, and tell us more about what Regn did. The first line, the imagery in the first paragraph, really worked well for me. If it were meant figuratively, I think I'd be disappointed that there wasn't actually a flood.

In the second paragraph, I was wondering why we were spending all this time on Terdom. It smacks of an infodump and a lot of the momentum of the story was lost for me. Unless Terdom is going to be a major character, I say, stick with Regn, because if Terdom is a major character, he should be in the first paragraph.

I'd like to read it. Send it my way, if you like!

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I agree with the general sentiment already here - the first paragraph is a little too pie in the sky. Kill it entirely.

The second paragraph is an info dump too - and all telling, when these particular points on information would be much more effectively and gracefully shown through character interaction, etc. Kill it too. Of note, though...

quote:
Though Terdom had come and gone with the passing of the ages, no mage or wizard had lived as long, or learned as much as Terdom.

He literally came and left like a traveller of sorts, or he died and was reborn/reincarnated? Ages seems to say to me something longer than even an extended period of human years, bordering on hundereds if not a thousand years. Just wondering.

Back to the drawing board then...

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Just to be clear, I neglected to mention that, perhaps like Annepin, I was attracted by the imagery of the first para.

I like the juxtaposition of images of weakness (raindrop, grassy knoll) and of power (flood, storm).

Just a thought,
Pat

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

That first paragraph is full of metaphor and imagery. It works to paint a picture and set Regn in his/her role as a cause. Whatever (s)he caused, it appears to be tempestuous. OSC says that the first paragraph is free. You can use it for this sort of introduction without losing readers. It only costs you if there's something better to do with it. As it is, I like it.

The other paragraph starts introducing Terdom, wizardry and Regn's role as an apprentice. It doesn't serve to hook me as much as the first paragraph. A specific problem is with Terdom - is he still alive? I read "Regn was apprenticed" to mean that Regn took on apprenticeship and is still at it. "Gone with the passing" implies Terdom is no longer with us. If that's the case, is the character important enough to take up half the first 13 lines?

Together, this opening raises questions that need answers soon - soon in terms of text, like on the next page or so.

First is a way to picture Regn: Male? Female? Probably young as an apprentice. Built large? small? not at all like a human? Anything else important to the story? (That's beside the question of how to pronounce Regn. I have to say "Rain" or I choke on the 'g.')

Who or what is Fira? This seems to be the conflict - an attempt to trouble Fira brought other consequences. Why trouble Fira? What has he/she/it done? This might be a better use of the second paragraph. I'd be unhooked if Fira and the conflict weren't engaged soon.

What sort of wizardry was Terdom into? How much did Regn learn, and how good at it is (s)he?