Starting a new story. My last few have been set in the present or near future, so I'm trying something different with this one.
"Tiny fairies with butterfly wings flitted about the open-air gardens. They looked like inch-high human children with wings, but their brains came from mice – no matter, mice can be cute, and these were an order of magnitude cuter than mice. One hovered in front of my face. I kissed her bare belly and she giggled.
I was wearing my academic body – tall, thin, Van Dyke beard – it came with glasses and a tweed jacket with pads on the elbows. My SO was set to hetero. The winding garden paths, amid orchids and passion fruit, led to an arched wooden door which split down the middle and opened at my approach. A distant choir sang Gregorian chants.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
The sentence about his SO did not work. First, I didn't know what an SO was, and second, it was out of the flow of the rest of the description.
I'm wondering why you left the fairies and went to a self-description at this point. It was something of a jerk. For me, I'd like some sort of segue because the fairies paragraph was so interesting in comparison.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
tasty, Mr. Norwood! I had one nit:
They looked like inch-high human children with wings. Already mentioned the wings, this is a little reduntant, but I understand you need to transition into the mice brain idea. Maybe, "they were adorable/darling/delightful, but, their brains came . . .
When you want a reader, send it on. Sounds delightful and adorable to me!
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Baffling. In only 13 lines you've managed to introduce butterfly winged fairies, A Van Dyke bearded MC who has a thing for puckering up to fairies, mouse brains, Gregorian chants and open-air gardens. I would read on with this - if for no other reason than to see just how it is you're going to tie all this together from this opening "stew."
Provocative to say the least.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
It seems like you accomplished what you wanted: an interesting character, setting and style. I'd read on. I wondered about the size of the MC since he/she could kiss a one-inch fairy's belly. Until then, I took the MC to be human-sized or at least badger-sized. It is curious why S.O. took such a prominent place in the first 13.
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
I liked the first sentence, but I got lost after that.
Unless you're trying to convey that the MC is very small himself, you might want to think about the mechanics of a normal-size person kissing the bare belly of a 1 inch fairy. As in, I think the belly would be too small a target for him to be able to just kiss the belly.
Also, "...but their brains came from mice – no matter, mice can be cute..." threw me. Are the mice brains are visible, and does the MC find mice brains cute? Otherwise, what do the brains (which are hidden) have to do with their physical appearance ("be cute")? Or do you mean that mice can act in cute ways and the fairies are acting even cuter than mice do? Which brings up, would mice really giggle if you kissed their bellies? I wouldn't think so. Anyone have a pet mouse they're willing to try this one? (Just joking.)
I also don't really follow the first two sentences of the second paragraph--why is he suddenly thinking about his appearance..and whatever?
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
Hmm. If he can put on a body like a suit of clothes and he has a knob where he can dial his SO setting, he can kiss a fairie and land it on the belly. I'll agree that a giggling kissed bare belly is 10x cuter than mice. Mice brains, I'm not so sure about.
I think you're using that free first paragraph to build a larger setting or frame than you use in the second. The step doesn't bother me.
Now this guy with various bodies hanging in his closet has me hooked. The hook is all on the strangeness of the fantasy. Curiosity about whatever is behind the door helps. Maybe the chants are important, too.
I'm hooked enough to read when you want to sent it.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I'm with nitewriter and jeff barton; i think it's cool, and I'm in for the whole proverbial pound. I must say, when you speak of cute mice, I rather think of Pinkey in a fairy suit. He's my favorite mouse ever.
Plus, I feel kindly disposed to any man who would kiss a fairy on the belly just to make her giggle.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 29, 2007).]
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I got out a tape measure and -- oops, the fairies are 4 inches tall. Thanks for catching that.
I'm about 16 pages into the story, and realize that I did not keep up the exotic feel I really wanted -- I slipped back into the mundane. I don't usually rewrite until I finish, but I think I need to go back to the beginning and rethink the tone.
And I agree, while I need to get into the story that the character can change his SO as easily as his body, I don't need that in the first 13 lines, and it jars there, detracts from the mood. I'll move it.
Many thanks for the help.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
The rejection slips paralyzed me for several days, but this morning I felt like writing again, and brought this story in at 9400 words. If anyone would like to critique it, I'll send it along.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I'll take a look if you like Rick, looks an interesting one.
Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :
I'll read Rick, but I'm away until next weekend and got a couple of other commitments too, but if you don't need a quick reply send it across.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
me too. (can read - not the "slow turn around" part).
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Many thanks for the critiques.
I submitted the story to Baen's Universe and it was rejected almost instantly. I don't know which is worse, the quick rejection or the long wait. I gritted my teeth and sent it off to Interzone.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Rejection from F&SF: "I thought this one got off to a good start, but I'm afraid it started to come off the rails when the character of Oscar came in: his character just didn't work for me, and after he arrived, I felt the story never recovered."
He was kind enough to fix a typo -- "pealing" for "peeling".
And so, off to Interzone.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
kudos for keeping on - and for getting a individual reply instead of a form.
Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :
Send it to me and I'll give it a look over, if you like?
Adam xxx
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Thanks for the offer, but it is already on its way to merrie olde England, and Interzone.
