How is it, that when we did everything exactly right, everything ended up going so disasterously wrong? The asteroid was detected in plenty of time. Spacewatch did its job perfectly; solemnly surveying the skies with unblinking meter-wide eyes, categorizing, plotting, plodding along until the joyful day that they actually turned up something useful. I bet that astronomers and science geeks were dancing up and down with delight when they finally turned up a potential disaster that riveted the attention of the world. The plan, laughably, was pretty much the plot from that old Bruce Willis movie – send up a bird, shoot off a nuke, blast the threatening asteroid into a million bits of dust and gravel. End with the scientist gets the girl. And now, we sit here, waiting to die – or, barely
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 03, 2007).]
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Ya, the Bruce Willis movie. That's hollywood. Actually an asteroid threatening to crash into earth would likely not be hit with a nuke as then the problem is you've got more chunks of varying size out there - and still a threat. More likely would be altering the course of the asteroid, putting it in a different orbit. This might even be done with nothing more than the approach of a space vehicle - the gravitational pull of the vehicle may be slight, but enough to alter the direction of the asteroid. You wouldn't have to change it much to turn a "hit" into a "miss".
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
Nitewriter almost right.
If you start early enough a hit is easily turned into a miss.
its all a matter of degrees (literally) the sooner you apply the change the smaller the change has to be.
Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :
My first reaction was, take out the first sentance, and either delete it completley or move it to the end of the paragraph. The latter option is a little hard to judge, being as I don't know what comes after the first thirteen.
I'm not sure I like the Bruce Willis reference. It's good that you note you're aware of the comparison, but my immediate reaction was "oh, I've heard that plot before, not really interested in reading on."
Maybe try something like "The plan seemed simple and obvious: send up a bird, shoot off a nuke, blast the threatening asteroid into a million bits of dust and gravel. [I didn't like the 'even the scientist gets the girl'] [THEN say] How is it, that when we did everything exactly right, everything ended up going so disasterously wrong? And now we're sitting here waiting to die. [Take out the 'or barely'... I'm guessing that will be alluded to as the story progresses and is thus unnecessary].
Hope that helps.
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
I think the first sentence is a strong hook. The next paragraph tells what went wrong. The problem is that the telling takes the rest of the 13 lines. I don't know what the rest of the story is like and the possibilities are so wide. It could be that 'we' sit around contemplating our doom, which I wouldn't find very interesting. It could be that 'we' do a lot of try-fail cycles with various technology - more interesting to me. It could be a framed flashback about why the nuclear blast didn't work. If the point of the 13 lines on the first page of a submittal is to sell to the editor, that wide range of possibilities should be narrowed whether the story fits the editor's interests.
Your problem is deciding what to remove. In my opinion, dancing scientists and Bruce Willis are less important than showing where your story is going.
'We' as a recurring sentence subject implies a POV character with a plural scope - a single character speaking for a group. I'd expect an introduction rather soon to both the character and the group.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
You've got a Hook:
quote: How is it, that when we did everything exactly right, everything ended up going so disasterously wrong? The asteroid was detected in plenty of time. Spacewatch did its job perfectly; solemnly surveying the skies with unblinking meter-wide eyes, categorizing, plotting, plodding along until the joyful day that they actually turned up something useful. I bet that astronomers and science geeks were dancing up and down with delight when they finally turned up a potential disaster that riveted the attention of the world. The plan, laughably, was pretty much the plot from that old Bruce Willis movie – send up a bird, shoot off a nuke, blast the threatening asteroid into a million bits of dust and gravel. End with the scientist gets the girl. And now, we sit here, waiting to die – or, barely
Everything between seems to be extraneous and incongruous -- not to mentioned riddled with adverbs (you know how we love them) -- and could probably undergo intense trimming. I bet you could trim the section between the hooks to a short sentence or two.
I didn't have a problem with the Bruce Willis reference, I just don't know if this is the right place for it. You should be drilling the hook home.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I liked the first 13, but I probably wouldn't read the story, because I don't read stories that start out, "Here is how we all died". Maybe it is just me, but while an occasional downbeat ending can be great (think: Chinatown) I tend to prefer problems that get solved.
"End with the scientist gets the girl." is bad grammar. maybe intentionally so. Consider leaving out both "the"'s. Aside from that my only thought is that this story is going to require a lot of research. The scientists really do have to be doing everything right.
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
Read "The Hammer of God" By Arthur C. Clark. The Bruce Willis movies was based on it, but not very well. But is sounds very much like this. There have been a number of stories like this one. Even if you don't read the whole book read his sources at the end, it lists just about every other book on the same subject.
I am not saying that you shouldn't write your own just know that there are many others out there. Clark I think does a really good job with his version worth the time to read it.
I forgot to say that his version of this is called space guard, and he actually suggests that it would have been better to call it Space Watch since that is what it did.
-Jeff
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited July 04, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
per the papers sent to congress June of 07 by nasa on the NEO (Near Earth Orbit) conference in washington, nukes are still a viable defense plan to avoid collision of a "civilization killer" asteroid with earth. Anybody willing to read the full story? anticipate getting it done this weekend, and, yeah, I think I've got a pretty fresh take on the killer asteroid thing, why don't you offer to read it and see?
P.S. Spacewatch is the actual name of the program that NASA implemented. I wouldn't be surprised if they named in in Clark's honor, although I don't know.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 04, 2007).]
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
Fine you got me.
I can't read until next week but if you don't need a fast return...
I will have to read the notes at the end again, but think that you are right it probably was a nod to him.
hope you took good notes in orbital mechanics, and missile school. If not I will hook you up.
-Jeff
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
Okay, I'll offer to read it. That first sentence is still a good hook.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks, you guys. No rush at all, this is strictly a for fun gift to myself. and Mr. Hite, i so appreciate the offer of science help. I'm a decent researcher, but its not my area of expertise.
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
No Mr!
I am father of 7 and older than I look, but please... No mr. We are all informal here. Jeff will do, or if you just want to copy and paste jeffrey.hite.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Mother or six, here. calling you Mr. makes me feel a little younger, but, more prosaically, there were two jeffs responding. How old are your kids? mine go from 23-7 girls on both ends, boys in the middle. Actually, very tired husband in the middle, but that would belong in the erotica thread
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 04, 2007).]
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
mine are younger.
10 to not born until next month. Boys in the beginning girls in the end. don't know about the new one. I like surprises of that type.
Very tired husband. That is my job title. And why I do mostly reading for folks on this board and a lot less writing then I would like.
-Jeff
Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :
You don't say how many words this is. I'll have a look for you if you want. It sounds interesting.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks, Darklight. I don't have a word count yet, because I haven't finished it yet. I haven't ever tried to write short fiction for publication before. Anybody have a suggestion on preferred would length for scifi mags?
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
The preferred length, even the maximum length accepted for some mags is up to 5,000 words. Of course, the larger mags will take a story much longer than that.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks, nitewriter. I don't think I have to worry about shooting for the larger mags, yet. But it is nice to have a target length.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 04, 2007).]
Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :
I'll read it, so send it along!
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
Sorry that was not really the site I meant copy and paste error. It is still valid site but some of the info is buried kind of deep, this one is much better as all the calculations are right there. I think, IMHO, that you don't need to have these listed out or really worked out on you missiles projection before you write, but it is a good idea to have an idea of that they are and what they mean so that you don't trip up those NASA nuts (ME) with an inaccuracy. Once I read it I can help if you have glaring stuff. Total geek thing here, I have written programs that calculate some of this stuff, so I understand it pretty well.
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited July 05, 2007).]
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
If you want more readers, I'm in. I think you have my contact info. I agreed w/previous posters about what you might want to look at w/the first 13 - adverbitis, the hook being the first and last sentences, some trimming possible, but I'm tired tonight so - if you want another reader, send it when it's done! Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Now this page works fine. Probably just Windows letting me know who's boss, one more time.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
finished asteroid up last night, came in a just under 3,000 words. KayTi, i would love to have you read, but think I accidentally purged your email address. If you feel like flipping me a note at debhoag@juno.com, I will send it right out. thanks everyone! deb
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I've changed my mind, and would like to read Alchemy Asteroid. (Anybody who says nice things about my writing must be a great writer herself.)
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
Ah this discussion is a perfect example of why I don't write Science Fiction. The world is full of author eating geeks just waiting one to trip so they can leap upon them and munch them to shreds... just kidding. But fantasy types are much more forgiving of authors who say stupid stuff.
I'd offer to read it, Deb, but I would so not be able to help on tech stuff you might want a SF expert to do so. However, if you'd like a non-SF expert opinion, I'd be happy to read it for you.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited July 07, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
And, see, this is exactly why I love it here - all these wonderful brainiacs with all their odd and helpful pockets of knowledge, devoting time and attention to my stuff, so i can get it perfect. JeanneT, I'll send you an email with asteroid in it - the tech stuff is just to sell the idea - but don't tell these guys, okay? They still think there is w remote possibility I know what I'm talking about!
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
Deb, I emailed my crit. I hope I fulfilled my promise to be totally inexpert in hard sci-fi, honest, and courteous. Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
If you think fantasy types are more forgiving, just confuse a crossbow with a longbow and watch what happens.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I just found out i had the galapagos islands on the wrong side of south america! Acck!
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
Rick I think a reader's forgiving nautre depends on one's investment in fandom.
Fantasy has its share of SCA Freaks just as SF has its share of Uber-tech geeks.
